Anxiety 2.0

It feels hard and disappointing to share that once again I experienced a lot of anxiety during UNGA this year. I am not sure if writing another article about how I feel is the right thing to do. But the outpouring of love I received last year when I first wrote about my experience with anxiety, as well as the kind emails and texts I got from friends checking in before this year's UNGA, makes me want to share. Writing helps me to process things, and I hope in some small way it can help others too.

Of course, I wish I was writing with a more positive update, I would love to be looking back on a week of lightness and ease, where I had successfully overcome my worries and self-doubt. Unfortunately, that’s not true. The anxiety was back again in full force. And there were moments when things felt really, really, hard.

I naively went into this trip thinking everything would be fine. I even thought I was maybe “over my anxiety”. But of course, that’s not how it works. It’s a life-long journey. I was just out of practice. I had in fact felt a lot of peace over the past few months and I wasn’t prepared for the sudden rush of negative thoughts and emotions.

At times it felt like my chest was going to explode. It was hard to breathe, as if I had something stuck in my throat that wouldn’t go away. There was no let down. Every morning, I would wake up with clenched teeth, a rush of adrenaline and a loop of thoughts usually around the same question “when will this end?”

Sometimes the anxiety comes from a deep sense of guilt that I'm not doing enough. If I’m not running around working, meeting people, getting things done, then I'm not being useful. I had a brilliant team with me in NY this week (shout out to Kim, Sean and Anita!) who were doing the heavy lifting and I think enjoying it too. But in my head, I was being lazy if I wasn't pounding the streets with them. I know logically that the older and more experienced I get, my value at work is measured more by how I show up and lead through the hard moments and curveballs. I know this logically. Only slowly getting there emotionally.?

The masking of anxiety is another aspect that feels painful. During the week, some friends and colleagues, who had read my post from last year, came up to me and said "so, things look much better for you this year..." And my response made me feel like a fraud, "urm, no, not really. I feel a lot of anxiety actually." One friend responded "wow, well you really mask it well."?

It left me wondering whether we are being untruthful if we limit our external persona to the happiest version of ourselves. And does putting on a brave face actually make the anxiety worse? Over the weekend, I started reading the latest novel of one of my favorite authors, Sally Rooney, in which she writes “a person’s outward appearance does not define the boundaries of their internal feelings.” This sense that we are not defined by binary emotions really resonated. Yes, in a way, I am faking it by only showing outwardly that I am bubbly and having fun, laughing and being gregarious, when inside I am hurting too. But these joyful parts of me are real, they’re just also accompanied by other less fun feelings rattling around inside of me too.

The most counterintuitive and frustrating part of anxiety is the way it gets worse the more you want it to go away. You can’t work at getting rid of anxiety. The only way to find ease is by accepting the anxiety is there. Or as I wrote last year, by “riding the wave”. And learning to accept that feels like the hardest part of all.

Yet, in the midst of all the difficult emotions, something beautiful always happens. This year, I was lifted up by a group of women, brought together under the directive “Gather Women You Love”, who showed me what it feels like to be loved, even when you are struggling to love yourself. This group of women got me through the week. They demonstrated that having a community where you feel safe, regardless of how safe you feel inside, matters a great deal.

So, if there's one lesson I can offer from this week it is to find yourself a group of people who you can laugh heartily with, who you can be vulnerable with and who will always show up for you, no matter what.

Until next time. Thanks for reading. As always, I appreciate your feedback, advice, and stories of your own, if you feel you want to share in the comments or send to me directly.?

Alex?

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