ANTICIPATION SHORT-CIRCUITS LISTENING

Sometimes in a conversation with someone you know or talking about a subject that has been discussed before, you may feel like you already know what is going to be said. In anticipation of what you THINK the other person says or means, you begin to formulate your response. The major problem with this is that if you are actively planning your response, you have actually stopped listening.

Listening is critical

This causes tremendous difficulties in conflicts. Oftentimes people in conflict assume they know what the other person is going to say or what they mean based on prior discussions. You've had this fight before — many times. You already know what the other person is going to say, and you have your response prepared. Not only is your response prepared, you are eager to get your comments in and may even interrupt. This can lead to responding to something completely different than what is being discussed or responding in a way that doesn't reflect the nature of the discussion. 

When one or both parties are not listening to the other, the conflict has a tendency to grow. 

Communication requires focus

Hearing what someone is saying is a critical component to communication. It involves thinking about what was said, how it was said and why it was said. But it does NOT involve formulating a response. Accurate communication involves listening first and then responding. When it is not your turn to speak, the focus must be on the other person.

Listening involves:

• Focus on the individual speaking — the words they say, their tone of voice, body language and how they are presenting the information.
• Indicate that you are paying attention — head nodding, smiles/frowns or other body language showing you understand what is being said. You aren't necessarily agreeing or disagreeing, you are processing.
• Taking the time to think over what was said. If you need to write it down to ensure you capture important parts do so. This can help you think through the conversation again when it is time for you to formulate your response.
• Asking for clarification — when the speaker is done (don't interrupt) ask for clarification about points you don't understand fully.
• Reframe — restating what was said in your own words, and asking if you have it right is an excellent way to correct misinterpretations and show your understanding.

Only after you have listened should you begin formulating a response. It is perfectly appropriate to take some time to do this. Make sure you explain to the other party that you are processing the information they provided, and you will respond as soon as you feel you have an appropriate reply. 

Slow down

Slowing down the speed with which communication happens by taking the time to fully listen and then respond is a great way to mitigate misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Generally speaking, when trying to resolve a conflict, the more time you take getting it right the first time, the less time you spend trying to untangle and fix the additional conflicts caused by miscommunication.

Listening fully to someone is a tremendous sign of respect and willingness to truly understand their point of view. Don't let the anticipation of what you think is being said ruin your chance to really hear them.

For more articles on conflict resolution check out my blog.