Anticipating the death of a beloved pet

Our founder, Dr Wallace Sife, was one of the foremost thinkers in the field of pet loss and bereavement, with his seminal work 'The loss of a pet' receiving many awards. In this article from our Spring 2006 newsletter, he discusses anticipatory bereavement.

Anticipatory Bereavement – Wallace Sife, Ph.D.

In the past eight years our APLB chatrooms have logged in over 20,000 visitors. Most of them came to get help for the grief they were experiencing, after the death of a beloved pet. But there have always been some who came to us because they were in the throes of a different kind of agony – one that they didn’t even know there was a name for: anticipatory bereavement. This is also sometimes referred to as anticipatory grief. But that term actually is a misnomer, since the grief already exists.

?Much of our lives is spent anticipating events, both happy and not. This is especially evident when we learn that someone we love hasn't long to live. From that tragic moment we begin in various ways to grieve the loss – well before the actual death. But sometimes this can turn out to be prolonged agony. People from different cultural backgrounds may vary in terms of how and what they think or do, in preparation for death. And they may also demonstrate their sorrow somewhat differently.

?Actually, anticipatory bereavement is a very common experience. Unless there is some kind of other tragedy, all our pets will eventually age or become terminally ill. It is normal to have some dreaded thoughts about this, but in most cases we tend to avoid torturing ourselves too soon. Even at the end denial can sometimes play a healthy role in protecting our emotional stability. As real and traumatic as the situation is, part of us somehow is unable to face it fully. The prospect of impending death may feel too terrible, and we often ride the waves of our emotions, rarely ever taking a peek beneath their tormented surface. This is a normal unconscious emotional reaction, needed at the time to protect one’s stability. But a long, terrible period of unceasing caretaking and dreading the end will wear us down. Because of this, sometimes when the death eventually occurs it can provide a terrible relief for us. Our dear one is out of pain, and we can now start picking up the pieces of our shattered lives.

?Most people realize that their loved ones will no longer be suffering, when they eventually die. And to some degree the grief already experienced usually readies the anticipatory bereaver for the shock and emotional trauma that follow after the death. This experience can prepare the individual to cope with what will follow, as many of the stages of bereavement already may have been painfully sampled. Yet as upsetting as that is, anticipatory bereavement is only a transition period. The real mourning begins only after the actual death takes place. That is still a time process, and the person will now have to go through the stages of post mortem bereavement. But because we are emotionally exhausted and saturated with the pain, the natural bereavement period that follows often will be shortened.

?Another positive aspect of anticipatory bereavement is that it can provide time to gradually absorb the reality of the impending death. It is no surprise that this includes many of the same symptoms of grief we experience later. But at this time we are in a better position to tend to unfinished business, such as saying goodbye, and I love you. This unique pre- death bereavement has been defined as the total set of cognitive, affective, cultural, and social reactions to expected death felt by the family. Some typical symptoms are bouts of distraction and depression, heightened concern for the dying pet, rehearsal of the death, in one’s mind, and attempts to adjust in advance to the imagined consequences of the death.

It may at first seem strange, but in contradiction to what one would expect, a few researchers have reported that anticipation of loss can actually intensify attachment to the pet, and make acceptance of the death even harder. Experience has shown this to be the exception. But it must be kept in mind that each of us has a different emotional makeup, and nobody ever reacts exactly as “everyone else” does. That concept is a fallacy.

We have found that during anticipatory bereavement one would do well to take steps to help minimize the invented sense of guilt that often arises, later. You have the time to say many things you may want to express. That could be an apology or one more time to say, "I love you." It is also very important now for the owner and the pet to have some deeply personal time and communication together.

The death of a beloved pet can be so tragic for us. That is such a hard concept. But it can be helpful, especially during anticipatory bereavement, to consider if they outlived us who would care for and love them when they die. Maybe somehow, this is the best way. Nobody wants to live forever. And when we can also somehow put that into perspective for our dear ones, it makes a lot of new sense. Animals also have an awareness of their own dignity and impending deaths, but we tend to overlook that and consider all things from our own emotional perspective.

Very often they will try to hang on, because they see how much we want them to stay. At this terrible time we have to give each other permission to let go. Acceptance of reality, change, and our continuing growth and evolution are some of the many things in life that our beloved pets are here to help us with. Learning about this from them is an example of the gifts they leave behind for us. To ignore it would be such a shame and additional loss.

?This is a very special time to honor a loved one and prepare ourselves for what life will be like after he or she is gone. As mentioned, it may also be a last opportunity to do some of the things you have always wanted to do together. Although this is an intensely personal and private time, shared mainly between the owner and the pet, it is advisable to actively seek out close friends or reliable supportive people, for supportiveness. The APLB chatrooms are one of the best examples of this. During anticipatory bereavement it is important to further investigate our feelings – and help validate them, as well. Sharing them with our peers is a very positive step toward self- empowerment and healing.

In reality, all of life is a continuous preparation for death – our own, as well as for those we love. During our lifetimes we experience a string of more superficial losses that remain with us and affect us for the rest of our days. The loss of a job, social status, financial security – are less obvious examples of factors in this potential learning process. We know about death, but in Western culture we tend to avoid thinking about it and its ramifications. Actually, as suggested earlier, we are often in some kind of denial of the reality – up until the tragic time when we can’t pretend to ourselves any longer.

?It is presumed by many, that lesser losses prepare us for the greater ones in life – such as the deaths of loved ones and, finally, the end of one’s own life. Despite our angst and great reluctance to face up to it, death must be accepted and confronted. Previous major losses and deaths always remain within us. But we tend to suppress our pains, and install them in the subconscious part of our minds, where they seem to be forgotten. Unless we have been able to bravely confront them and put them into perspective, they are always there. And that potentially explosive stored-up unhappiness is almost always triggered by a new major loss, which can result in an avalanche of overwhelming grief and pain. Because of the nature of suppressed feelings we are not aware that the extra intensity of grieving can be also for these other hidden memories in our emotional “closets”. Everyone carries some psychological baggage around. The important thing is to be able to confront and accept that, and continue on with our growth. Here is where successful therapy can play a very important role. And that goes well beyond pet bereavement counseling. It is very different, and requires specially trained professionals in psychology.

Anticipatory bereavement is a mixed-bag of emotions. But even at this time of great sadness the eventual death may now not be as debilitating to us. Generally speaking, after a prolonged time of terrible anticipation and grief most people seem to be able to handle the shock better than others who did not have to endure this long preparation. But again, there will always be some exceptions, and future studies will come up with illustrations of all kinds of variations on this complex emotional situation and response.

Pet owners who are going through anticipatory bereavement would do well by using this very sad time creatively. It is advisable to thoughtfully plan some things, in advance. Decide now on burial or cremation – or whatever other option you prefer. Make contact with the aftercare professionals, who can advise and support you. It is also wise to work out the expenses, so you won’t have to deal with that later, when you will be in the throes of a different kind of mourning. Think about memorials, and how you can best honor the pet’s memory. How you now live your life will be different, and very tearful, at first. But it should also be a positive part of your personal memorial. Life is a wonderful transition we can barely understand. Yet there is a lesson here that our beloved deceased companion animals can help us learn – in salute to their memory. A joyful celebration of that life is our best memorial and tribute.

?When we bereave loved ones we should not think of ourselves as victims, but celebrants! And by realizing this we honor them – and allow ourselves to become wiser and better people, because of them. They live on in us. Life goes on. And that is as it should be.