The answer is YES

If you want to fly higher the only person who can give you permission is you.

Permission….

It’s a funny thing.?I remember when I first started my coaching journey a very experienced and respected trainer said to me “ the thing everyone is looking for is permission.”

At the time it sounded quite poetic. Stoic even. I nodded sagely and I remember feeling a little bit superior. “I don't need permission for anything” I thought, “I’m a bloody trailblazer”.?I was recently asked about this when I was being interviewed by the lovely?Maria Franzoni. She asked me why people should book me as a keynote speaker.?I said “I give people permission.”?

“In my experience most people, deep down know what’s holding them back, and they know what they need to change,” I went on to explain. “But they don’t do it because they’re waiting for someone to say it’s ok.?So when I give my talks, that’s what I do. I give people permission to do what they already know they need to do. To let go of whatever BS excuse is dragging them down and get on and do it.?I give them permission to achieve their full potential.?I give them permission to fly higher.”

I was feeling rather proud of myself for saying all this.??

Maria observed “this had been a theme all your life hasn’t it - seeking permission?”?

I shifted uncomfortably and briefly considered whether or not to try and deflect this question. But she was right. When I was a little girl I sought permission to be a pilot.?(My parents humoured this dream and gave me the permission I needed.) I constantly sought permission to be lovable when I was in the RAF, lonely and afraid that being a woman in a man’s world would make me unpalatable to everyone else. (This led to some very dubious dating decisions in my twenties and a reputation to match).?I looked for permission to get married, delighted when my university friends gave their approval to the highly decorated yet almost painfully humble Grenadier Guard I’d found (he was and still is one of the most decent human beings I have ever met.) And then later I sought approval to get divorced, seeking comfort in phrases like “training marriages” which is how many people in the military refer to their first marriage. (It’s not lost on the me the same friends who avidly gave their approval when I got married, equally avidly and without the faintest hint of irony, declared “I knew you two weren’t a match” when I got divorced - its goes to show, permission isn’t an indicator of superior judgement, just loyal friends who will tell you whatever you want to hear.)?And when I went through my darker years, I craved permission to be weak and vulnerable, resenting the “female leader” label that stripped me of my right to be protected and cared for. (Funny the things you look for permission for isn’t it?)?

But the bottom line is, I’ve been looking for permission all my life. So I understand how much we want it. And that’s why I do what I do.?So I can help people find it.?

The perils of specific permission.

But there’s a twist.?Because as my previous experiences illustrate, just because we WANT permission, doesn’t mean it’s good for us.?It might be ok if it helps us to let go of baggage or achieve greater fulfilment.?But what if we are looking for someone to sanction destructive or unhelpful behaviour? And you might say “Ah but in that case I wouldn’t give permission, I only condone the “right thing” But seriously, how can you be sure that your version of “the right thing” is the same as their version of the right thing??You don’t. Sorry.?And in any case giving permission, even if you WERE omniscient (which you’re not) isn’t necessarily the best way to help others. Permission gives us a get out clause.?It means we can deflect the blame away from ourselves.?It means we can say “but look, they said I could do it so it can’t be my fault.” It means we don’t have to take responsibility for our mistakes.?No wonder we want it so badly.?

In her latest book “Atlas of the Heart”, Brene Brown told us that people will do almost anything to avoid pain.?“Very few people can handle being held accountable without rationalising, blaming or shutting down.“ she observes.?

Specific permission = prohibition

This extends to being held accountable for our own lack of success. Most of us find it deeply uncomfortable to take responsibility when we have failed to reach our own high standards. In fact, it may even suit us to have permission denied to us so that we have an excuse for NOT achieving our full potential. In other words we may secretly desire to be refused or restrained.?We want someone to put a barrier in our way so we can give ourselves permission to give up, or to accept mediocrity.???Because that way we can blame someone else when we don’t succeed; we can blame someone else for not giving us permission. In other words, we seek prohibition - which is really just specific permission by another name. (If we only get permission to do specific things, then prohibition must surely apply to everything else.)?

I was recently talking with?Alex de Giorgio-Miller?- a Senior Vice President for the Medical organisation at AstraZeneca. His team’s role is to shape the future of clinical practice by showing healthcare professionals how to use innovative medicines. He mentioned that when a member of his team approaches him with a big idea for a new ‘practice-changing’ initiative he says “Yes - great idea. Get moving.” And that’s it. No caveats. No time limits.?No restrictions.?Just “get moving” – because it’s the right thing to do for their patients.?

His aim is to remove the barriers to innovation and progress – and to make it energising and fun!

“If something is going to be too difficult to scale or too expensive it will usually fall by the way-side anyway. I don’t need to select out the bad ideas. They will do that themselves through natural selection. The people who have the best ideas and are genuinely committed to seeing it through, will do exactly that.?So I’ve learned to take away the safety blanket of constraints. And give people as much free rein as possible.”

The advantages of wide-open permission

What’s genius about this is that it kinds of calls our bluff in the old game that is permission.?You see, we might think we want permission. But as I’ve already intimated, we only really want it when it suits us. For example when we want to feel better about ourselves for failing to realise our potential.?But that might not always serve us.?

Permission to succeed

So maybe the job of an enlightened leader is NOT to give these readily available excuses (in the form of prohibition or specific permission). Maybe the job of an enlightened leader is to give people wide-open permission so there is nothing stopping them from achieving their full potential.?There is noone telling them they can’t succeed. And yes it will be uncomfortable for them. Sometimes it’s really useful to have an excuse to take our foot off the gas. Because lets’ face it, IT’S HARD WORK BEING A TRAILBLAZER.?But it might just encourage them to find the one thing that everyone is searching for.?Permission…. to give themselves permission.?

Permission to fail

At this point you might say, “But what if the right thing to do is is to give up? We need to be able to admit when things aren’t working out?”?

Well yes, we do.?But?I could see it working equally well in the opposite sense.?I remember a phrase that repeated itself during my military career; “sunk cost bias”. It referred to a reticence to cancel projects due to the enormous amounts of blood sweat and tears expended, and fears over career damage as well. Even if the latest equipment acquisition was destined to reach the front line after the opponent’s capability had surpassed it we persisted because, well, we didn’t really want to start again I suppose. A colleague referred to it as an inability to “fail fast” and put it down to the fact that people become personally invested.?So in an odd way, perhaps there also needs to be permission to fail.?BUT?permission to fail is NOT the same as creating barriers to success.?It’s not about creating excuses for giving up.?It’s certainly not about prohibition. What I’m talking about is creating the conditions for people to give themselves permission to recognise when their considerable efforts would be better placed elsewhere.?And this is beauty of giving people as much free rein as possible.?It means there’s space for both. Indeed it seems to work for Alex, who informed me “the best ideas always rise to the top.”

If permission really is the thing that we all crave, just imagine how awesome it would be that would could enable people to find it by….well, giving ALL the permission.

Wide open permission promotes self-regulation

I tried this with my son.?He’s 7 years old.?And we decided to do a YES day.?I can’t take credit for it, there have been various social media posts and even films made about it. The basic premise is that the grown-ups, for a whole day, can only say Yes to whatever the kids ask them.?In the film, they did put in certain pre-agreed boundaries - for example the children were not allowed to ask do anything unsafe or illegal. So it wasn’t completely free rein.?I’ll concede that the average 7 year old probably doesn’t yet have the experience and knowledge to make risk assessments in the same way a 43 year old does. Nevertheless, I was curious to see if my child would indeed self-regulate and whether or not these boundaries were even necessary.

The first question he asked me was “Can I go for a poo in the bushes.”?I feel of mixture of disgust, affection and awe at this, even now.

The next question he asked was “can I buy all the sweeties in the shop.”?Obviously.?But it was a Yes day, so I said Yes. I did however, supplement my answer with some information.?“The recommended daily allowance of sugar for a 7yo is 24 grams which is roughly the same as a bag of Maltesers.?Eating more than your daily allowance has been linked to diabetes which can lead to blindness and amputation of limbs”.?Ok it was a cheap trick.?But you know what, he decided to buy one sweetie.?He moderated his sugar intake. He self-regulated. And I had given him all the permission in the world.?

Isn’t that the point???To give people the tools so they can trust their own judgment? To give their own permissions??

If it’s possible to achieve this with a 7 year old, I think that opens up some exciting possibilities in the adult world too. Rather than controlling others through the ebb and flow of permission and prohibition we can give people agency; the power of self determination. And when we do that, in my experience they will almost always arrive at the same place - self regulation.?Just look at the way people feel form orderly queues.?So not only is it possible to give people more free rein, I think it’s good for us. And I think that it’s good for us because of a very important reason. It frees us up to make up our own minds about something.?To find our own way. To give ourselves permission. And perhaps to even get out of our own way.

Which brings me to my original point.?If you recall, I’ve spent my life searching for permission. So I understand why it’s something we might crave. And I really do want to help you find it. But no matter how much I want everyone in the world to feel loved, to aim higher, to fly higher, the truth is the only person who has the power to do that is you. So I don’t give anyone permission. In fact I can’t.?Not really. Instead I make it safe for them to do it for themselves. I do that by talking about my own journey to find permission. I share candidly all the reasons why I denied myself of it for so long.?And how I eventually learned to give myself permission. Permission to do things my way.?Permission to disappoint others.?Permission to disappoint myself.?To be alone.?To be scared. To fail. To excel. And through it all, permission to be loved. I hope that people will recognise themselves in that story and realise that they too can give themselves permission.

And that’s why I end every speech with an invitation.?

“Whatever needs to happen to fly higher than ever before, the chances are you already know what it is.?Will you give yourself permission to do it?”

Key takeaways:

??Everybody seeks permission.

?? Sometimes we seek permission for limiting or harmful behaviour?

?? We also seek prohibition so we have an excuse for falling short - this is really just specific permission by a different name.?

??Try this: Give wide open permission.?It tells people we trust them to make their own judgement and encourages them to set their own boundaries and give their own permission.?

Sarah Furness is an ex-helicopter pilot and RAF Squadron Leader. She is now an executive coach, motivational speaker and writer and her mission is to help tough capable people feel as strong as they look. Her first book ”FLY HIGHER“ is due to be published September 22 by?ReThink Press.?

If you are looking for a motivational speaker contact?[email protected]

For support with workshops or coaching contact?[email protected]