Announcing Super!?

*** THIS WAS AN APRIL FOOLS' JOKE

Today I’m leaving commercetools and am proud to announce an entirely new commerce platform called “Super!?” (Yes the “!” and “?” are required!). With so many folks now talking about and adopting MACH?, there’s room in the market for a new entrant to offer a proudly one-size-fits-all platform that solves your every business need. Commerce, CMS, pricing, promotions, checkout, search, OMS, CDP, CRM and my personal favorite — marketplace — all pre-integrated.

Each piece will be so good, you’ll never want to (or be able to) swap it out. Who wants to compose when you can centralize? With a strategy like that, I’m confident we’re gonna crush the next B2C Forrester Wave?. Blockchain, crypto, AI, metaverse? Check, check, check and check. Super!? will be the last platform you’ll ever need to buy because you’ll be Super!? locked in. Speaking of checks — write a big enough one out to us and we’ll do the rest (well, we’ll try anyway). We’ll even implement it for you so that your employees and partners don’t screw anything up — all you need to do is not touch anything.?

"MOCK" Is the New MACH

While we’re at it, we’re going to re-define MACH. Since the cool kids are all rallying behind MACH, you better believe we’ll have our own acronym and competing alliance. But, let’s define MACH properly this time:

• Monolithic: With everyone doing microservices these days, there needs to be a counterweight. Preferably a large, heavy immovable heavyweight. Monoliths are where it’s at.
• Opinionated: Why shouldn't your vendor tell you what to do with their software? They wrote it, who better to tell you how to use it? We’re going to be Super!? opinionated this time. We’ll tell you exactly what to do. Just listen to us, the experts, OK? There’s only one proper way to deliver commerce and we’ll tell you how.
• Controlled: To give you the best experience possible, we’ll control every aspect. Fill out our forms for access to documentation, sample code, and dev environments. Fill out a form to talk to our Super!? salespeople and when it’s convenient for them, they’ll give you a full demo. Our software is so sophisticated that in order to get the best possible experience we have to do your implementation for you— which is how it should be because as we all know -? your vendor knows best.
• Knitted: The modules will all be tightly knitted together — like the sweaters and afghans your grandma used to make —? in a way that makes them impossible to swap out. I mean who doesn’t like stuff that’s knitted anyway? Didn’t we all become knitters during COVID?

MOCK has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? I already have confirmation from many MACH Alliance rejects that they’d like to co-found the MOCK Alliance with me. We’ll get our own fancy trademark.

We’ll have our own parties too, no smug MACH Alliance members allowed!

Product Strategy

We’re going back to the basics. We’ve confirmed that enterprise companies want a product that meets their every need. We’ll have a big, trusty, reliable relational database at the center of it all. And you better believe that database will be hosted within your four walls - exactly where it belongs. Who needs GraphQL when you have SQL??

We’re also gonna go back to PHP or Java. Say what you will, but that shit worked. It's also time to give the whole REST API thing a well-deserved rest. No APIs here. None at all. Not even internally.?

Because so many of today's largest global commerce brands seem to be forgetting just how great monoliths were, I’d like to announce my new book: Monoliths for Modern Commerce. I’m hoping some of those MACH hipsters come to their senses and trust in an architecture that’s been proven over the decades.?

We’ll start building once we land our first customer. That way, we can build exactly what our customer wants and they’ll be really pleased. Once we get more customers, we’ll prioritize feature requests based on who pays us most. It’s only fair, right??

Go to Market Strategy

We’re going to go big, fast. Super!? fast! We’re going to start a global branding campaign before we build our product. Airport billboards, TV commercials, basketball arenas, and more. Our potential customers need to know our name before they buy us, right? I'm proud to announce our first sponsorship with the Super! NASCAR team. Look for us on a cable network near you.

Final Thoughts

I think I’m on to something big here, who wants to join me? If you're in sales or marketing (only, please), apply today!