Anniversary Weekend: 34th year interrupted

Our family “number” is 16.? That’s because the BIG things in our family (the good ones, anyway) have happened on the 16th.? Darren and I were married on September 16, 1989; Jake was born on June 16, 1993; and Zack was born on December 16, 1996.? It’s obviously my favorite number!

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This weekend, September 16th, marks 34 years since Darren and I were married.? I was 23 years old and he wasn’t even quite 22!? A small group of us will be heading to the central coast wine country for a music festival at my favorite winery, and? I’m trying to plan ahead for “all the feels” that will undoubtedly hit over the next few days, now that my husband is no longer with us here on earth. ?

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It’s surprising to me the way I am sometimes so cerebral and logical about all this as I try in advance to protect my heart.? ?Kind of a strategic, pre-emptive strike.? My therapist suggested this week that I do something specific to mark the date this year and each year moving forward.? He doesn’t know me very well yet.? If he did, he’d know I’ve had that planned for months now!?

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Yet other times, there’s just no logic about it and try as I might to protect my heart, I just have to take it in the gut and roll with the punches.

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Such is grief.?

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Each day on my journey is different, but always there is a huge absence.? I miss Darren every single moment. ?Yet somehow, God still blesses me with smiles and yes, even laughter.? Genuine laughter.? Sometimes this confuses me.?

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I also have moments in my “grieving corner,” the end of my sofa where the sun streams through the window blinds.? Sometimes I just lie there and think about Darren (and cry), when the grief is settled in and I just need to soak in it for a while.? I often say I am embracing my grief, and that’s what I mean.? I let myself feel the heartbreak.? He deserves that.? And so do I, I suppose.

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Sometimes when I curl up on the sofa, I take a “re-set” nap.? Being tired or overstressed affects my ability to cope with it all.? And on top of that, grief itself is mentally and physically exhausting.? When I feel “it” coming on strong, it starts with a type of numb feeling in my brain followed by intense fatigue.? If I’m not able to make it out of the situation to take a powerwalk or have a good cry or take a little nap, well…it’s just better for all of us if I do!

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As I mentioned earlier, I’m surprised at times to find myself genuinely laughing with a friend or co-worker.? Occasionally I think to myself, Wait, what’s wrong with me?? How can I smile or laugh right now, as I’m dealing with the greatest loss of my life?? I have only one answer, and that is that God is walking beside me right now.?

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My bible study on the life of Joseph recently reminded us to be careful not to miss God’s kindness in our suffering.? I try to be very in-tune to the way God is walking me through this. ?Often that kindness is shown through the touch of friends and family. ?Sometimes it’s shown by Him giving me the words to write down in order to help me process it all.? Sometimes it’s shown by unexpected connections He’s put in my path at just the right time. ?I will always be sad that Darren was taken at much too young of an age and, at the same time, I will always be thankful that we had almost 34 years of marriage together.

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Since May 17th, 2023, my great hope has been to make Darren proud of me.? I always treasured his words of support and encouragement and comfort when he was here, and I can still feel those messages from him today.? And right now, I’m pretty sure he’s telling me to turn off this computer and start the weekend.? Okay.? Happy Anniversary, Honey.? ??