Anger & resentment doesn't change the heart of others it only changes yours and it could be affecting your mental health.
Darleen Barton Dr
Principal & Founder Dr (hc) @ DIPAC Est 2009 Private Practice | Counselling Therapist | Accredited Mediator| Conflict Resolution |Life Business Executive Coaching People Development
Subject:?Anger & resentment doesn't change the heart of others -- it only changes yours and could be affecting your mental health.
Unresolved resentment in a marriage can have a significant impact on the overall health and stability of the relationship. Here are some ways that unresolved resentment can affect a marriage:
Note:?If the following is in your relationship, it may be time to seek some help.
Communication breakdown: When one or both partners hold onto resentment, it can be difficult to communicate openly and honestly with each other. This can lead to a breakdown in communication, making it harder to resolve conflicts or address issues in the relationship.
Tip: Saying things as it is with little empathy, will not help the situation. People may forget what you say but they will remember how your words hurt them and the body keeps the score
Decreased intimacy: Resentment can also lead to a decrease in intimacy between partners, as one or both partners may feel distant and disconnected from each other. Let’s clear this up, Intimacy is not the act of sex, intimacy is the dance we do together daily e.g.; the holding of hands, the sneaky unexpected kiss in the hallway, the kind words we share etc..
Lack of trust: If resentment goes unresolved for a long period of time, it can erode trust between partners. This can make it difficult to rebuild the relationship or work through issues in the future.
Negative impact on mental health: Holding onto resentment can take a toll on a person's mental health, leading to feelings of anger, depression, or anxiety. This can make it difficult for both partners to be present and engaged in the relationship. One or both partners may start to act out by exhibiting?payback?behaviours, eventually leading to regret and shame over time.
Increase in conflict: Resentment can also lead to an increase in conflict between partners, as one or both partners may become more defensive or confrontational when discussing issues in the relationship. Communication may become contemptuous where one or both are spitting words like lava to hurt the other.
If left unchecked, resentment can ultimately lead to the breakdown of a marriage. It is important for partners to address any resentment they may be holding onto and work together to resolve conflicts in a constructive and healthy way and avoiding the tennis match the “Right back at you”
Resentment can form in a marriage when one partner feels hurt, angry, or disappointed by the actions or behaviours of the other partner. Here are some common ways that resentment can form in a relationship:?Note?if you see any of the following starting to take a seat at the table in your relationship it may be time to ask for help.
Unmet expectations: When one partner has expectations on the other partner that are not met, it can lead to feelings of disappointment and resentment.
Lack of communication: When partners are not communicating effectively, it might lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment.
Power struggles: When one partner feels that they have less power or control in the relationship, it can lead to feelings of resentment.
Infidelity: If one partner has an affair or cheats on the other, it can lead to deep feelings of hurt and betrayal, which can manifest as resentment.
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When people feel resentful in a relationship, they may engage in behaviours or strategies for payback. These strategies may include:
Passive-aggressive behaviour: This can include behaviours like withholding affection, giving the silent treatment, or making sarcastic comments.
Seeking revenge: This can include behaviours like cheating, lying, or engaging in other harmful or destructive behaviours.
Emotional withdrawal: This can include behaviours like shutting down emotionally, avoiding conflict, or disengaging from the relationship.
Blaming or criticizing: This can include behaviours like constantly criticising or blaming the other partner for problems in the relationship.
It's important to note that these strategies are not healthy or productive ways of dealing with resentment in a relationship. They can ultimately lead to further damage to the relationship and may make it more difficult to resolve conflicts and rebuild trust. Instead, it's important for partners to communicate openly and honestly with each other, to address any underlying issues or concerns, and to work together to find constructive solutions that can help to rebuild the relationship. Seeking the help of a professional relationship counsellor can also be helpful in working through these issues.
NB: Moving on and into another relationship and expecting it to not have its problems and be void of resentment is unrealistic thinking. Every new relationship has its shine and then over time cracks will appear. All relationships need care and constant maintenance.
Anger and resentment?in a marriage that has been built over 10 +years can take many forms and may be expressed differently by different couples. Here are some examples of what anger and resentment may look like in a long-term marriage:
Frequent arguments: Couples may argue more often as resentment builds, with disagreements often centring on the same issues or topics.
Avoidance or distance: Couples may avoid each other or spend less time together as a way to cope with feelings of anger and resentment.
Passive-aggressive behaviour: One partner may engage in passive-aggressive behaviour, such as making sarcastic comments or giving the silent treatment, as a way to express anger or frustration.
Lack of affection or intimacy: Couples may become less affectionate or intimate with each other as anger and resentment build.
Emotional withdrawal:?One or both partners may withdraw emotionally from the relationship, either by shutting down emotionally or by seeking emotional connection outside of the marriage.
Criticism or blame: One partner may constantly criticise or blame the other for problems in the relationship, which can further fuel feelings of anger and resentment.
Note:?When people in long term relationships do not address the underlying issues built up over many years one or both partners can exhibit?cruel?behaviours e.g. acting out with the intention to emotionally break the other person emotionally. When this is evident we are more than likely dealing with mental health issues.
It's important to note that anger and resentment can have a significant impact on a long-term marriage and can make it difficult for couples to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts.
What are some of the behaviours women and men exhibit that can cause a “disconnect” with their partner?
It is important to note that every relationship is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question.
However, some common behaviours that women may exhibit that can cause men to disconnect in a marriage include:
Nagging or criticising: When a woman consistently criticises or nags her partner, it can create a negative emotional climate and erode trust and respect.??Note:?women often tell me they have one extra child that being their husband! Sometimes we need to look inside and ask ourselves are we acting like a mother.?This is where an accountability and responsibly conversation needs to be had.
Withholding affection: When a woman consistently withholds affection or intimacy, it can create feelings of rejection and disconnection.
Disrespecting boundaries: When a woman consistently disregards her partner's boundaries or needs, it can erode trust and create a sense of disrespect and resentment.
Being emotionally unavailable: When a woman consistently avoids emotional connection or is emotionally closed off, it can prevent the development of intimacy and connection in the relationship.
Holding grudges: When a woman holds onto past hurts or mistakes, it can prevent forgiveness and prevent the relationship from moving forward.
Lack of appreciation: When a woman fails to express appreciation or gratitude towards her partner, it can create feelings of neglect and resentment.
It is important to note that men can also exhibit these behaviours and that every relationship is unique.
?Some common behaviours that men may exhibit that can cause their partner to disconnect in a relationship include:
Emotional unavailability: When a man consistently avoids emotional connection or is emotionally closed off, it can prevent the development of intimacy and connection in the relationship.
Lack of communication: When a man fails to communicate openly and honestly with his partner, it can create a sense of disconnection and prevent productive conflict resolution.
Withholding affection: When a man consistently withholds affection or intimacy, it can create feelings of rejection and disconnection.
Disrespecting boundaries: When a man consistently disregards his partner's boundaries or needs, it can erode trust and create a sense of disrespect and resentment.
Criticism: When a man consistently criticizes his partner's behaviour or character, it can erode self-esteem and lead to resentment.
Infidelity: When a man engages in infidelity, it can erode trust and create a sense of betrayal and disconnection.
Lack of support: When a man fails to support his partner emotionally or fails to prioritise the relationship, it can create feelings of neglect and resentment. Men often tell me about the nagging and criticising they hear from their partners. This is where roles, accountability and responsibly conversation needs to be had.
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Undealt with resentment can hurt a family in many ways. Here are some examples:
Breakdown in communication: Resentment can create a breakdown in communication between family members, as the resentment may lead to conflict and arguments that make it difficult for people to express themselves openly and honestly.
Emotional distance: Resentment can cause family members to withdraw emotionally from each other, leading to a sense of distance and disconnection within the family.
Negative impact on children: Children may be particularly sensitive to the negative emotions and tensions caused by resentment, and can be adversely affected by the emotional atmosphere in the home. This can lead to behaviour problems, difficulty concentrating in school, or other emotional issues.
Disintegration of the family unit: If resentment is left unchecked, it can cause the family unit to disintegrate, with family members becoming increasingly isolated from one another and relationships deteriorating to the point where they are irreparable.
Mental health issues: Resentment can also have a negative impact on the mental health of family members, leading to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.
Overall, it is important for families to address any resentment that may be present and work towards healing and rebuilding their relationships in order to prevent further harm. Seeking the help of a professional family counsellor can be a good step towards resolving these issues and finding constructive solutions for moving forward as a family.
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When parents have undealt resentment, it can have a negative impact on children in several ways.?Here are some examples:
Emotional distress: Children may experience emotional distress due to the tension and conflict in the home. They may feel like they are walking on eggshells or that they cannot express themselves freely without causing further conflict.
Behaviour problems: Children may exhibit behaviour problems such as acting out or withdrawing from social situations as a way to cope with the stress and tension in the home.
Strained relationships: Children may have strained relationships with one or both parents, as the resentment may cause distance or lack of connection.
Difficulty forming relationships: Children may struggle to form healthy relationships in their future, as they may have difficulty with trust or may struggle with conflict resolution.
Mental health issues: Children may be at higher risk for developing mental health issues such as anxiety or depression due to the stress and tension in the home.
Overall, it is important for parents to recognise the impact of their undealt resentment on their children and take steps to address and resolve the underlying issues in order to create a more positive and healthier environment for their children to grow up in.
Resentment in a marriage can be a natural response to ongoing conflict or unresolved issues. However, in some cases, resentment can become a mental health issue when it begins to negatively impact a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, leading to significant distress and impairment in functioning. Here are some signs that resentment may be a mental health issue:
Obsessive thoughts: If a person cannot stop thinking about the perceived wrongs that have been done to them, this may be a sign that their resentment has become an obsessive thought pattern.
Depression: If a person feels consistently sad, hopeless, or fatigued due to their resentment, this may be a sign that they are experiencing depression.
Anxiety: If a person feels worried, tense, or on edge due to their resentment, this may be a sign that they are experiencing anxiety.
Anger: If a person feels intense anger or rage towards their partner or others due to their resentment, this may be a sign that their anger has become problematic e.g. acting out in such away as compromising their own value systems and sabotaging the family unit
Difficulty functioning: If a person's resentment is interfering with their ability to function in their daily life, such as their work or relationships this may be a sign that their resentment is a mental health issue.
If you are concerned that resentment in your marriage may be a mental health issue, it is important to seek the help of a mental health professional. a therapist or counsellor to help you identify the underlying causes of your resentment They will help you develop coping strategies to manage your feelings, and work towards resolving the issues in your relationship.
Note:?you will not always like what you hear but remember the professionals job is to help you to the other side of your problems using his or her rational, experience and care for you.
What are your goals? Have you thought about what it takes to create a good marriage, partnership, bond and family?
If you are in a relationship with a “good person” you have found fundamentally the starting block to build from. We will all exhibit poor behaviours throughout our life together because we are learning about ourselves. Ourselves in a relationship with another person and perhaps ourselves in relation to being a parent. We do not have a neural pathway for being married our brains are building as we move through the days and years of being together as a couple and then a family.
What about if your goal was to grow old together, now I’m talking about a GOAL not an IDEA! A goal takes a commitment.
Reaching 50 years of marriage, or a Golden Anniversary, is a significant milestone that deserves celebration. After 50 years together, a couple has likely experienced many happy and challenging moments, they have loved and they have dealt with great losses together for example the loss of parents, loved ones and perhaps even children. Life has a way of showing us what really matters the longer we live
Celebrating a Golden Anniversary: Reaching 50 years of marriage is a major milestone that many couples strive for. It represents a lifetime of love, commitment, and partnership. A couple who reach 50years together have demonstrated resilience, they have embraced the changes in each other along the way. They have loved unconditionally and they have not relied on their partner to make them happy. They each have taken responsibility for their own happiness. The couple has recognised along their path the importance of respect for each other, self and have firm boundaries for acceptable behaviour and unacceptable. They share and live by their values by building a culture and they pass their wisdom onto all who are willing to listen.
By 50years you have reached several milestones along the way. Here are some of the most joyful milestones that couples may experience over 50 years of marriage:
Watching grandchildren grow: For many couples, seeing their grandchildren grow and develop can bring great joy and fulfilment. Watching them achieve milestones like learning to walk or talk, starting school, or getting married can be a source of great pride and happiness.
Retiring together: After years of working and building a life together, retiring can be a joyful milestone for couples. It provides an opportunity to spend more time together, pursue hobbies and interests, and travel. Some embrace giving back to the community and helping the next generation can become their focus.
Overcoming?challenges together: After 50 years of marriage, a couple is likely to have faced their share of challenges, both big and small. Overcoming these challenges together can be a source of great pride and joy, as it demonstrates the strength and resilience of the relationship.
Renewing vows: Some couples choose to renew their vows on special anniversaries, like their 50th. This can be a meaningful way to reaffirm their love and commitment to each other and celebrate the life they have built together.
These are just a few examples of the most joyful milestones that couples may experience over 50 years of marriage. Each couple's journey is unique, and there are countless other moments of happiness and fulfilment that may occur along the way.
Life is hard and it can be cruel, relationships are hard we need to choose our hard.
My intention when writing these newsletters is to help you to recognise some of the challenges, we all face in relationships and life. You are not alone, and you are not wrong, we are all learning.
A loving nurturing family is fundamentally the best environment to raise children and we all need to do this better Just like you, your children have a revision mirror. Try and make it a happy view they see with a peaceful non anxious body…
What do you see in your revision mirror? What are you holding onto from your childhood that you have given a seat at the table in your relationship which may be adding to your list of resentments? Eg misdirected anger perhaps?
Note:?If you are in a DV relationship where there is yelling name calling, gas lighting emotional or physical abuse your relationship is not a relationship it’s a war zone. Please remove yourself and your children and ask for help.
Here are links to assist: 24hr Crisis Help?Home - DVCS | Domestic Violence Crisis Service in Canberra
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Darleen Barton | Amazon NO 1 Best Selling Author
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