Anger management

Count until 10. That’s what my mom used to tell me when I was getting angry. It didn't help much to be honest. I am big believer of understanding the reasoning behind a behavior, an action or a result. If you don't understand why you are behaving in a certain way, then how would you be able to learn how to manage it or even change it completely?

That's my philosophy when it comes to human beings or anything related to learning. If you don't know the why then you won't understand it hence you won't apply it. There are many techniques in the market regarding on how you can manage your anger issues, but they are treating the symptom and not the "disease".

I would like to tell you briefly today about the disease. It is huge chapter, but I will focus on the main points that I believe are crucial to know.

Don't be scared to see yourself in the mirror "naked"

If you want to change or you have decided that your behavior doesn't serve you well then you must get "naked". Not literally but metaphorically. You must be honest with yourself. Most of the times we are projecting our insecurities, fears on others and we will blame them for our outburst. We do that because either we don't know how ourselves or it is easier to blame someone else rather ourselves. How can you fix a computer if you don't know how it operates? How can you cook the best pasta if you don’t use the best ingredients? You must know who you are, what triggers you and what calms you down.

Therapy is one great place to start with but some of you might not want to psychoanalyze for 10 years focusing on their childhood. Write down with honesty your strengths and your weaknesses. Then write next to each point what you would like to change. Who is your ideal self and how you can get there?

One of my role models was and still is Nelson Mandela. I was fascinated by the fact that he was kind and managed to forgive his enemies. He was an amazing speaker like a people whisperer. I was listening to his speeches for hours. I wanted to be like him. I wrote down why I admired him, and I started to immediate his good traits like being kind. I learnt that being kind might be painful as most people will not understand you but in the long run kindness prevails over evil.

What do you achieve by losing your temper?

Definitely you are wasting energy and your health. Long-term, unresolved anger is linked to health conditions such as?high blood pressure, depression, anxiety and heart disease. Anger is not good for your health but also for your relationships. Would you like to be near yourself when you are angry? Probably not, then why do you expect other people to put up with you. By shouting or getting passively angry it can be damaging to your health.

Being able to manage your anger then you will have more possibilities of getting a raise, better relationships but mainly you will have peace of mind.

How to tackle your anger:

1. Self-awareness - Who you are and who you want to become.
2. Who are your role models and why? How do you relate to them? I wanted to be a great speaker but my communication skills at the age of 16 were horrendous. I bought the Dale Carnegie's book "How can you make people like you". It was a breakthrough for me. It worked because I genuinely wanted to change and I was willing to put in the work.
3. Think before you talk. This was the main thing that helped years ago to manage my anger. Take your time to calm down and then talk.Go for a walk to clear up your mind if is needed. Many people they regret what they have just said just 5 minutes later. Then they have to apologize and explain themselves. Why not save that wasted energy by "sleeping on it".
4. Root of the problem. It might be because you haven't slept well and not that your colleague forgot to put the kettle on for tea at work. Ask yourself is this the real reason that I am getting angry? Be accountable. It is easier to be the "victim" and blaming others but at some point if you want to have progress in your life, you must be able to embrace and forgive your past, and move on. Or else it will haunt you forever and you are the only who can change that.
5. Exercise & Nutrition. Any kind of exercise will help you to calm down and clear up your mind. It is scientifically proven that exercise will keep your anger and stress in low levels. Do something though that you enjoy. Don't suppress yourself. Junk food processed and oils are proven to impact your mental health negatively. We are what we eat. Be more mindful when it comes to eating. Don't starve your body and your mind.
6. It is not about you. Don't take things personally. Many times, because we might feel insecure about let's say I am having a bad hair day and a lady is staring at me. Most probably I will think “Why is she looking at my hair? Is she saying that it is horrendous”? In the meantime, the lady was looking behind me looking for her husband. Do you understand what am I trying to point out? It is not always about you. Of course, that doesn’t justify the people to be rude and aggressive just because they are having a bad day. In the case that someone is aggressive then you can make the choice and remove yourself from the negative environment. Be polite and tell them that you need to go as they are not in a position to talk calmly.
7. Yoga & Meditation It saved my life during my grieving period and I am not exaggerating. It will calm your mind because you are relaxing your muscles. Yoga is an excellent method to release any anger, anxiety, or frustration you might be feeling throughout the day. Yoga is also great at?improving your posture, breathing, blood circulation, and digestion, all of which can be negatively impacted by the stress that anger puts on the body and the nervous system. You are connecting with your body. ?Meditation is beneficial for people struggling with anger. This technique allows a person to be in the present, becoming more aware of their emotions, and respond positively to people and events.?Mindfulness meditation practice reduces the cognitive, emotional, and physical reactions we have towards anger triggers.
8. Find what works for you! It might be a sport, a walk in nature or dancing in your living room. It is your life and you can be happy. We will always have challenges and the secret of happiness is to be able to manage those challenges without getting ourselves sick.

?Personal development is a lifetime journey, and you should enjoy the process. By taking a pill it won’t solve the problem, but it will numb the symptom. If you want to be happy you must first learn to manage your emotions. Learn how to control your mind.

Thank you and keep smiling

Nadia