Anger Management for better Relationships and Success

Anger is frequently a result of frustration as things do not always go as planned or due to misunderstanding, or of feeling that one’s ego is being hurt. One must realise that life is always full of ups and downs where things do not always go as planned. The good point is every thing changes and ends and therefore even difficult situation, pain/sorrow is part of life and soon it will pass away. Likewise people are not loving and caring all the time .A person can become angry at workplace, at home or even while in traffic jam. He /she can become angry with elders (grand parents, parents /in-laws), spouse, children, and servant/maid or car driver. A person in angry mood generally feels that his / her pride is being challenged by other person who is wrong, less understanding and not accommodating. Most of the times, both paries feel that they are right. This leads to conflict, ill feelings and exchange of hot/unpleasant words.  Never ever use abusive words like idiot, stupid, useless, good-for-nothing. An angry person loses self control and may act or speak in an unpleasant manner which does not behove to his/her status/position. If a person remains angry for more that two hours, his /her health and productivity will be adversely affected. With good education and age, one should be matured enough to control own ego and accommodate others point of view. The key to control of anger is to understand who are you talking to and why. Remember it is important what to say to others but more important is how you say. One can still be firm to put across one’s point of view without offending the other party. Misunderstanding is often the basic issue to become angry and it happens when one treats office co-workers like the ones at home or vice a versa.

You must maintain dignity and respect for others and self.An angry person often becomes irrational and that can adversely affect his/her relationship at workplace or at home and even his/her job and health. A person, who remains in rage for long period, may have higher Blood Pressure (BP), depression, or violent behaviour. Your relatives, kids, neighbours and co-workers can also be impacted from your uncontrolled outbursts and erratic behaviour.  If you are suffering from serious anger issues, it is very essential that you get expert’s device and evolve a suitable approach to manage your anger.

In most Asian countries, people do not disclose anger as an ailment as it can be a social stigma and can impact their matrimonial prospects or job. They generally feel and show that they are fine and only others are not considerate towards them. This often leads to misunderstanding and such individuals continue to pick up quarrel/fight with others on trivial issues. However, in western/developed countries, anger/anxiety is an easily treatable ailment and people do not suppress it. They often go as out-patient to a mental health facility and get treated. Anger management is a psycho-therapeutic program for anger prevention and control. Several options are available like self control to calm down through regular meditation / yoga exercises or get in-patient and out-patient treatment at an affordable mental health facility. Modern treatments are quite effective and people get well within six to eight weeks.

Relationship . All of us strive for having good relationship whether at workplace or at home and among networking friends. Strained relationship causes stress, sorrow and even depression and loss of productivity. Poor relations results in unhappiness and mental stress. Relationship is two ways traffic and no single party should be held responsible for poor relationship.  We all know that it takes two hands to clap. Good behaviour, calmness and use of kind words helps to win friends while anger and harsh words are the cause of strained relationship and losing friends.

Success . We all crave for success in career while dealing with team members or and at home while dealing with family members. A person in angry mood will be mentally disturbed and may take delayed or incorrect decision. Therefore good composure, pleasant look and feel, respectful conversation and expression of gratitude towards those who help you, will ensure you success.

Symptoms of Anger .  Mild anger is a normal among most people and even healthy emotional expression but it's important to handle it in a positive way. Uncontrolled anger can take a heavy toll on your health as well as relationships. Some common symptoms which are warning signals for you to  self control your anger or get  it treated by an  expert ( Psychologist or Psychiatrist) are given below:

·        You feel depressed when your boss points out your shortcoming.

·        You get easily irritated when your peer passes a silly remark on you.

·        You have an issue of anxiety and get easily upset on trivial issues.

·        Your ego is hurt when things do not go your way.

·        You let go “tit for tat” without slightest delay to notice who are talking to.

·        You find hard to trust others and you feel you are always right while others are often wrong or they misunderstand you.

·        Your Blood Pressure (BP) shoots up when your child refuses to cooperate or your spouse does not pay heed to what you are speaking.

• Experiencing constant, uncontrollable arguments with your family members or co-workers.

·         Frequently loosing temper on your children or other family members and raising voice tantamount to shouting/yelling.

·        Get easily upset when family members ask you to adjust your program and take them out.

Causes of Anger .

·        Conflict with boss or team members.

·        Unnecessary competition to match others and setting unachievable goals.

·        Failure of business or partnership.

·        Loss in assets –property or investments.

·        Miss-Match with job and unable to cope with work.

·        Tendency to dominate others and show superiority complex.

·        Conflict among family members and thrusting your view point.

·        Lack of faithfulness of family member.

·        Instead of being sensible, you are over sensitive and getting touchy on small matters.

·        Over expectations from others and grumbling.

·        Unfinished tasks and excessive backlog.

·        Ego or self pride hurt.

·        Highly opinionated nature and seen by others as argumentative.

·        Ailments like High BP, Anxiety.

·        Miss-understanding others while staying over confident.

·        Grief over loss of near and dear one.

·        Serious ailment to self or family member/relative.

Some tips to self control Anger

Anger itself is not a problem as we all become angry some time at workplace or at home to drive a point. However, when your anger becomes uncontrollable, you lose control of your mind and your behaviour becomes irrational, both during conversation and in decision making. This loss of rationality can result in all sorts of problems, including erratic behaviour, abusive language, addictions to drinking /smoking. Often, people having anger problem try to suppress their feelings which can lead to sudden emotional outbursts and health issues. You can not fully cure anger but you can manage its intensity and effects. You can learn to develop more patience and calm down while facing various people and situations. These are basic principles of human /personal management shown below, if followed sincerely, will improve self control of your anger and pave the way to success;-

·        Avoid conflict with others.  To have a proper alignment to organizational goal, you should accept ground reality, rules, regulations and policies of the government as well as instructions or procedures/processes and business practices of the organization. This will make you happy with your present position/status.  Likewise, accept your parents, relatives and seniors as they are, since they are your well-wishers who want you to rise.  Remember the good old saying-

“If you cannot change the world, change yourself”.

·        Acknowledge others contribution. When someone gives you support in any form and may be very small .you must acknowledge and thank him/her profusely. Thanking costs you nothing but it pleases the other person. Such courtesy pays a rich dividend even in normal correspondence, say an official letter, memo, email or greeting card/message. This will improve your relationships

·        Admit your mistake. If you are wrong in your action, admit your mistake unconditionally, whether you are in workplace, social gathering, club, picnic, classroom or home. As a senior or junior, as a parent or spouse or child, one could be wrong/ harsh when he/she actually should not be so. At times, it happens in a hurry or just as an argument. Saying sorry is not retreat or defeat or weakness but wisdom and maturity to patch up. People will be more comfortable working around you and have better trust leading to good work environment for your success. Try it and see the effect in just 15 days.  

·        Worry does not mend matters. Too much worrying about losing your job can adversely affect your mood and health .Ongoing uncertainty of job causes inability to take action and you can become irritable. Therefore don’t worry too much, stay hopeful.

·        Avoid Loneliness.  Loneliness can sap away most of your energy and your performance will degrade. Therefore you must avoid being alone and be a good mixer among friends, team members, family members. Play with kids whenever possible and rejoice being in company of elders. 

·        Control Anxiety.  Anxiety disturbs your mind and your ability to stay calm for taking right and timely decisions. A person suffering from anxiety gets perturbed on very small issues and tends to talk harshly to overcome his/her anxiety, You must get advice from a psychiatrist and get proper medication or therapy to get well.

·        Control your Anger.  Getting angry on small issues and raising your voice on others, will affect your performance and relationship.  An angry person can annoy his/her team members, seniors and even family members. You must do meditation / yoga to calm down and learn to interact pleasantly with others.  

·        Night Duties and Sleep Disorder. Call centre workers, police officers, doctors, nurses, paramedical and factory employees working on night shifts are at risk of sleep disorder. They may often get irritable or depressed.

·        Appreciate/admire others.  Remember to appreciate/admire others achievement immediately and openly. We all expect someone to admire us, cheer us up and enable us to perform well. Public appreciation motivates the team and establishes a good bonding, mutual trust and respect. A team leader/manager should not tick off people beyond a point as it would hurt other person and he/she will become immune to it. It is a good gesture to appreciate /admire even for a small achievement by your team member/family member/friend.  

·        Lower your expectations.  Do not make relationship conditional and expect more than you can give to others. It shows magnanimity, if you give to others without reason and care for them without expectation. When dealing with elders/children or junior team mates, be more generous and avoid “give and take” or “tit for tat” policy.

·         Be Faithful. You should be faithful to your organization, friends, parents and spouse.  A faithful  person has lot of dependability which leads to happiness and success in relationships. This will mitigate any conflict and you will not feel angry.

·         Family members.  Your family members are God’s gift to you and your best well-wishers. Irrespective of your attitude toward them; they will always feel proud of your position/status. They would always support you during an emergency/crisis. Maintain harmonious relationships with them as they are not easily replaceable like friends or colleagues.

·        Forgive Others. Be accommodating and ignore minor issues. To be happy and make others happy, forget and forgive is the best policy. This will create better work environment both at home and at workplace. Those who do not forgive others for their mistakes, remain tensed up with bad feelings and anger.

·        Be a good Listener. Allow others to say their point of view and you will get your chance to speak. It is also courtesy and good manners to lend your ear to others during any meeting, conference or discussion or even when you are arguing with others on some issues.

·        Pay Gratitude. You should be grateful and proud of the organization you serve. Your team will follow you. Be always grateful to your parents as they continue to do so much for you. When you pay gratitude to others they all feel very happy and will be ever ready to support  for your success.

·        Exchange Greetings. It is good manners to greet each other whenever we meet – seniors, peers or juniors. It brings happiness and creates a good work environment where you too will flourish. Similarly, you should greet your family members and friends as that will also improve your home environment and enhance your productivity at workplace. Try wishing good morning and say “bye – bye” to family members, give a hug to young ones and elders, while leaving for the workplace.

·        Humour.  A few touches of humour act like an energy pill, which gives a quick boost when anyone is depressed or angry or tired at the workplace or sitting alone at home. Humour should be subtle and must not hurt feelings/sentiments of anyone.

·        Maturity.  A matured fruit is tasty while raw fruit is bitter or sour. Likewise, a matured person draws respect from all. Maturity is the ability to think, speak and act within the bounds of dignity even when you are angry. Maturity is the key for mitigating anger and maintaining harmonious relations.

“You have maturity when to stop trying to change others

And instead change yourself” - Shri Adi Shankrara

·        Opinionated.  While being a team leader or member of a team, you have the right to express your opinion but give full consideration to the views of your senior and peers.  Do not get carried away with your point of view and get angry, if your point of view is not considered. There can be other options for the organization and you should be flexible, instead of remaining stuck to your opinion.

·        Shun Hatred.  You may have a difference with boss, colleagues, friends or family members and may dislike certain aspects but you should not hate anybody. Hatred will make you angry and you may lose your cool and act/react in an unwise manner. You may dislike a person or his/her opinion but you must not hate people just because they have a different point of view.

·        Meditation. When you are going through crisis in your family or at your workplace, you, may   do short sessions of   meditation everyday to calm down. This will help in the long run and you will feel relaxed, composed and ready to put in your best. Try to focus your mind on your forehead between two eyebrows say   for 10 to 15 minutes daily and blank out your stray thoughts. This will act as a coolant to calm down your angry mind.

·        Practice relaxation skills. It is good to calm down and neither rush and nor push things in a hurry. In the heat of an argument, one tends to say something in hurry for which one regrets later. Take few seconds and take a long breath to collect your thoughts before speaking and allow others to speak. Do not interrupt to cut off others.  When your temper flares up, practice deep-breathing exercises, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as "Christ”, “OOM", “Hare krishna” or “Ram” or “Waheguru”, “Allah”. You might also listen to music, watch a TV show, write an article for a journal or do a few yoga poses or whatever gives you relaxation.

·        Physical Activity. If you feel your anger escalating, move away, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities which may be watering the plants or boxing with gunny bag.

·        Take a Time-out. Time-outs aren't just when playing a hard game or for correcting kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle coming event without getting irritated or angry.

·         Be flexible to solve home problems.   Every home may have different setting and it is younger one to shed the ego and get the best out of prevailing situation at home.

·        If your child is often messing up his/her room, don’t shout/ yell at child, instead you may softly show a simple way to lay out things neatly.

·        If your spouse of often late in the evening, try to understand his/her obligation to workplace and commuting time during heavy traffic time.  Don’t pass any sarcastic remark on his/her arrival /departure as that will aggravate the situation and become a cause for anger. Instead, keep his/her food in the food warmer and let him/her eat later.   As you open the door, must say hello, how was the day!

·         Do you have issue with aging parents/in-laws who are staying with you? Give them concession for their being old generation and lack of activity.  Remember one day you too will grow old. Do not deal with them as your equals and don’t say tit- for- tat. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and it might only make it worse. Be kind and more tolerant towards elders and your young ones will follow you to respect elders.

·          Don’t shout but speak with Love. You should think before you speak and chose good words. Avoid criticizing your spouse or blaming each other as that might only increase the tension. Be respectful and pleasant to each other. Tone down your voice as louder voice at times appears to the other person as shouting or yelling.

·         Don't hold a grudge. Forgiveness is the best policy to cool down other angry person. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to clutter your positive feelings, you might be overpowered by your own bitterness and situation will only worsen.

·         Know when to seek help. Control  of anger is most challenging task for everyone.  It is good to seek help / counselling from expert for anger issues. Living with anger for more than two days may result in your actions which may hurt others for which you may regret later.

Therapies for Anger control.  Self control efforts as listed above can help up to some extent beyond which one needs suitable therapy administered by an expert- a psychiatric or psychologist or Yoga Guru. Many therapies to deal with serious and chronic anger issues by an expert, administered as outpatient/in-patient are available in modern cities in leading countries. Some of the therapies include:

·        Communication skills improvement Therapy.

·        You must know who you are talking to and what the subject is. Still more important is the way you are talking.

·        Avoid using body language while having argument with others

·        Do not link older / other issues to be little others or score  your point.

·        Avoid of complex issues and deal with main issue at hand.

·        Maintain decorum and dignity while addressing others and must not use harsh words for which you may have to say sorry and patch up later.

·        Speak slowly and softly and must not raise your voice or pitch as that will amount to shouting/yelling.

·        Think before you speak and at times, less talking may help winning of an argument.

·        Avoid heated argument in presence of children or elders.

·        If you are wrong, immediately say “sorry” and patch up with a hug/ hand shake.

·        Some times it is good to lose and let children/elders win the argument, since you are to care for both.

·        Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.  This is one of the most common types of psychotherapy as this offers quicker results.  It generally requires 10 to 15 sessions depending upon your specific disorder. The purpose of this treatment is to help an angry person to recognize his/her negative thoughts that flare-up anger. Mental Health professionals work around the patients to make them learn how to effectively manage their stressful life. The specific steps in cognitive behavioural therapy include:

·        Identification of situations or circumstances in your life that lead to the trouble you are facing at workplace or at home.

·        Awareness of your negative thoughts and emotions which triggers anger.

·        Frequency of negative thoughts, their source/cause and patterns.

·        Learning art of living healthy with   positive thoughts.

The results of this therapy are long lasting with minimum cases of relapse. Some common benefits of this therapy are:-

·        Prepare you to cope better with difficult life situations.

·        Prepare you to deal with grief more effectively.

·        Enable you to mentally handle emotional stress caused by illness or physical trauma.

·        Overcome chronic pain, fatigue and other physical symptoms.

·        Amicably resolve conflicts in relationships.

Deep Breathing Therapy.

 Some people get immediate palpitation and sweating, when in anger. Deep breathing technique relates to reducing stress level by inhaling fresh air for 4-6 seconds, holding it for 2-3 seconds and releasing breath slowly over 4-6 seconds. This therapy also helps to stabilize the nervous system, resulting in mitigation of anger. After few sessions the patient will feel lesser tension, irritation, stress and anger.

Anger Suppression

In Asian counties or under developed countries, a large number of people live in joint families and have extended bondage. They do not suppress anger and instead they shout around and let go their anger momentarily and then easily reconcile. This is a social aspect of their society and culture which helps them living a stress-free and healthy life. However, in western society where people are often singe or have nucleus  family with fewer friends and relatives around ,many people often try to suppress their anger but silently suffer internally. This attempt may even cause other physical ailments. It is important to understand cause of anger and try to release it as early as possible.

Anger Treatment Center.

If your anger problems are seriously affecting your day-to-day life, you must visit in-patient / out- patient anger management center . Remember that the purpose of anger management treatment is to give you the tools necessary to express your emotions in healthier and safer ways.  Trust that a professional can help you to get your anger under control.

In-Patient Anger Management Facilities

In-patient treatment doesn’t mean confinement to isolation ward or keeping in chains. You should look for comfortable and serene accommodations since that has a positive effect on mental health and mood of the patient. You can search good, affordable and convenient facilities on the internet.

In- Campus Anger Management

A professional who can positively deal with stress and anxiety will have better productivity and can also have better interaction /control of team. To deal with anxiety and anger like issues, many corporate have established   health / wellness centers. The HR department can arrange customised anger treatment program to be administered in their campus. This can benefit their executives, lawyers, software professionals, engineers and other professionals.  

Out-patient Anger Treatment Programs.

Sometimes, the commitment of a residential program is not possible. If your anger issues are not physically dangerous, and if you are unable to break completely free from your everyday life, an out-patient anger management program may be the right choice for you. Out-patient programs offer intense individual counselling, typically for six to eight weeks. It prepares patients to calm down while keep doing their job as normal. You will continue  to deal with external people and situations during your treatment, so supportive friends and family members can make a big difference.

Over-the-Counter Medication

Anger is a psychological problem and one may   consult an expert, to take prescription and treat it with medicines available over-the-counter. A patient can be self-sufficient, during this phase of treatment. You should speak with your doctor about whether or not prescribed medicines can help you with your anger issues. Pay particular attention to likely side effect or any risk. A number of over-the-counter medications and supplements can also be used to improve mood and support anger management therapy. Benadryl is an anti-allergy medication that also helps to reduce anxiety.

Most important therapy to control anger is to shed your ego and forgive others for small issues. Self help is good start by doing yogic exercises or meditation. If you are more strained and often get angry, you need to look for facilities that offer comprehensive assessment, treatment and follow-up program. Speak to the health professionals directly, and ask questions about treatment and expected results. You must treat your therapist as your partner and share your thoughts and feelings freely. Have full faith in your therapist and stay consistent with the treatment plan. Remember that results of any therapy take time. Therefore do whatever homework your therapist gives you between sessions and stay determined to get well.

For more information please refer to my book/e-book. “Career Challenges during Global Uncertainty”, available on  www.amazon.com 

Dr. Sarbjit Singh. Former Executive Director, Apeejay College of Engineering, Gurgaon, Haryana, India, 122103

Dr. Nirmaljit Dhami, MD, Director, Behavioural Health Services, El Camino    Hospital, Mountain View, California,94040, USA