ANGER ISSUES
How many times have you lost control of yourself when you're angry? Did you do or said something which you regretted over time I guess we all did. It's normal, and after all, we are just human beings. Every one of us faces problems with anger. The main difference between you and me is that, do you know how to gain control of your anger, instead of letting it control you. It's not easy to gain control of your anger, especially when you are provoked into such situations. Nevertheless, if you are facing with this situation next time, you can try out my 5 simple steps.
Step 1 : Identify what makes you upset
Start with identifying what upsets your feelings or emotions. Pull yourself aside from everything you are doing or the anger situation you are in, then take a deep breath and clear your mind. Think, what brought you into this situation. You need to know what is wrong in order to correct it. Right?
Step 2 : Use them as a stop signal
When you are done with Step 1, you'd probably already knew what made you angry. You might not have the complete clear idea of it, but it's OK. At least you have "some" ideas. Use these as stop signs for your anger. You're upset because the little voices inside your head are telling yourself upsetting things. This in return causes a stir in your feelings, therefore resulting in anger. Stop all these little voices from talking within yourself, and you'll be able to think independently and not being influenced by them and the situation.
Step 3 : Tell yourself positive things
It's important to think positive. You can counteract your upsetting thoughts with framing your mind to have a positive self-message. Tell yourself something nice that will make you feel better. For instance, "this anger feeling is only temporary and I don't want to say or do something stupid which I will regret for my actions later." Put the brakes on your feelings. Tell yourself to slow down and take it easy. Step 4 :Make yourself clear Clarify the situation for yourself. Ask yourself, “What is really going on in this situation?" You can then feel disappointed with the situation but not enraged at the people who are creating it.
Step 5 : Think of constructive goals Try to set more realistic goals for yourself in regard to the problem situation that you are in. Ask yourself, <i>“What are the alternative solutions that I use to resolve this situation?" Be specific as possible, and concrete. "What can you do to change this situation?" List out the constructive options that you have in mind in which to reach your goals. Ask yourself, "What constructive actions can I take to reach my goals?" Finally, choose a constructive option to reach your goal and act fast on it. The 5 simple steps that I had just pointed out to you are exactly what I do whenever I face with anger situations. You can try them out when you face with such situations. Everyone gets angry at times, but the important thing is, <i>"What can you do to overcome this situation?". Gain control of your anger, rather than letting it control you.
Many of us will do anything to avoid another’s anger, yet may be quick to anger ourselves. Many of us dread another’s anger yet continue to use our own anger as a way to control others. Let’s take a deeper look at what generates our anger and how we can learn from it rather than be at the mercy of it. The feeling anger can come from two different places within us. Anger that comes from an adult, rational place can be called outrage. Outrage is the feeling we have when confronted with injustice. Outrage mobilizes us to take appropriate action when harm is being done to ourselves, others, and the planet. Outrage is a positive emotion in that it moves us to action – to stop crime and violence, clean up the environment, and so on. Outrage comes from a principled place within, a place of integrity, caring and compassion.
Anger can also come from a fearful adolescent place within – from the part of us that fears being wrong, rejected, abandoned, or controlled by others, and feels intensely frustrated in the face of these feelings. This part of us fears failure, embarrassment, humiliation, disrespect, and helplessness over others and outcomes. When these fearful feelings are activated, this adolescent part, not wanting to feel helpless, may move into attacking or blaming anger as a way to attempt to control a person or a situation. Blaming anger is always indicative of some way we are not taking care of ourselves, not taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs. Instead of taking care of ourselves, we blame another for our feelings in an attempt to intimidate another to change so that we will feel safe. Blaming anger creates many problems in relationships. No one likes to be blamed for another’s feelings. No one wants to be intimidated into taking responsibility for another’s needs. Blaming anger may generate blaming anger or resistance in the other person, which results in a power struggle. Or, the person at the other end of blaming anger may give in, doing what the angry person wants, but there is always a consequence in the relationship. The compliant person may learn to dislike and fear the angry person and find ways to passively resist or to disengage from the relationship. When blaming anger comes up, the healthy option is neither to dump it on another in an attempt to control them, nor to squash and repress it. The healthy option is to learn from it. Our anger at another person or situation has much to teach us regarding personal responsibility for our own feelings and needs. As part of the Inner Bonding process that we teach (see our free course at www.innerbonding.com), we offer a three-part anger process that moves you out of feeling like a frustrated victim and into a sense of personal power.
The Anger Process
The Anger Process is a powerful way to release anger, as well as to learn from the source of the anger.
Releasing your anger will work only when your intent in releasing it is to learn about what you are doing that is causing your angry feelings. If you just want to use your anger to blame, control and justify your position, you will stay stuck in your anger. This three-part anger process moves you out of the victim-mode and into open-heartedness.
1. Imagine that the person you are angry at is sitting in front of you. Let your angry wounded child or adolescent self yell at him or her, saying in detail everything you wish you could actually say. Unleash your anger, pain and resentment until you have nothing more to say. You can scream and cry, pound a pillow, roll up a towel and beat the bed. (The reason you don't tell the person directly is because this kind of cathartic, no-holds-barred "anger dump" would be abusive to them.)
2. Now ask yourself who this person reminds you of in your past - your mother or father, a grandparent, a sibling? (It may be the same person. That is, you may be mad at your father now, and he is acting just like he did when you were little.) Now let your wounded self yell at the person from the past as thoroughly and energetically as in part one.
3. Finally, come back into the present and let your angry wounded self do the same thing with you expressing your anger, pain and resentment toward your adult self for your part in the situation or for treating yourself the way the people in parts one and two treated you. This brings the problem home to personal responsibility, opening the door to exploring your own behavior. By doing the anger process instead of trying to control others with your anger, you de-escalate your frustration while learning about the real issue – how you are not taking care of yourself in the face of whatever another is doing or in the face of a difficult situation. Whenever anger comes up, you always have the choice to control or to learn. Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so the threat was always there.
Michael was the oldest of four children and was often put in charge of taking care of his siblings. He often took out on his siblings his fear and rage at being abused by his parents. While some part of Michael didn’t want to be like his parents, this was all he knew.
As an adult, Michael struggles with his frequent anger at his wife and children. His wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t get some help, which is what led him to consult with me. “Michael, anger is often used to cover up another, more painful feeling. What do you think you are covering up with your anger?” I asked. “I don’t know. I just get so frustrated and then out comes the anger.”
“What did you feel as a child, besides scared, when your parents were angry and violent with you?”
“I guess I felt pretty much alone.”
“You must have felt very alone and uncared for and also helpless over what was happening.”
“Yes, I felt so helpless! I hated feeling so alone and helpless. It was so scary. I couldn’t wait to get bigger so I wouldn’t feel so helpless.”
“What triggers that helpless feeling now?”
“Humm…I guess it’s when my wife and kids don’t do what I want them to do or what I think they should do.” “So rather than feel and accept your helplessness over them, which is the reality but is a difficult feeling to feel, you avoid feeling that old helplessness by trying to control them with your anger, just as your parents did. Is that right?” “I guess so. I guess I try to control them rather than feel helpless. But why should I feel helpless? It’s an awful feeling.
“Michael, when you were a child, you were helpless over your parents brutality, and you were also helpless over yourself in many ways. You couldn’t just leave and go live with someone else. You couldn’t walk away without further punishment. However, today, while you are still helpless over others, you are not helpless over yourself. You can walk away from a situation that doesn’t feel good, or you can speak up for yourself. You can also explore difficulties with your family. You didn’t have any of these options as a child. But unless you accept your helplessness over others, you will try to control them, and anger is the way you’ve learned to do it. Anger is your automatic controlling, addictive response to protect against feeling that old helplessness. You will continue to be angry until you accept your helplessness over others - over what they choose to do and who they choose to be.”
Helplessness over others is a very hard feeling to accept. For many people, it feels like a life or death feeling, because as infants we were completely helpless and if no one came we would die. Some of us cried and cried and no one came and we felt helpless over living or dying. While today helplessness over others is not usually a life or death experience, the feeling can trigger our infant terror. Most people will do anything to avoid the feeling of helplessness, even though we are no longer helpless over ourselves. Yet until we accept our helplessness over others, we will try to control them, and anger is a major way many people have learned to attempt to control.
It took Michael time to learn how to take care of himself - how to embrace and accept his helpless feelings rather than ignore them or cover them up with anger. As he learned to take loving care of himself and his own feelings and needs, he became more accepting of other’s feelings and needs. As a result of accepting himself and others, and of learning to feel and manage his painful feelings, his need to control others gradually diminished. In the course of working with me, Michael learned to access a personal source of spiritual guidance to help him not feel so alone and to know how to take loving care of himself. Michael found that when he was connected with his spiritual guidance, he was much less likely to act out in anger. He found he could manage his difficult feelings of aloneness and helplessness far more easily when he felt the love and support of Spirit.
Law of attraction, manifestation, manifest wealth
Yes, you can have anything your heart desires through applying the universal law of attraction. However, the key is to really be in touch with your Higher Self in order for your true heart’s desire to manifest for you on a conscious level. If a desire comes to you which is primarily revealed only through your personal ego – your lower self – without actual guidance from your Higher Self, then this desire has a lesser chance of manifesting.
How then do you tap into that part of you which is in touch with your Higher Self ? The key is through meditation. By stilling the body and the mind and allowing your higher consciousness to flow through you in order to guide and direct your true desires. Turning your energies inward and closing off all outside distractions allows you to focus your attention on your Higher consciousness which resides at the center of your mind.
Now, once you are in touch and aligned with your true heart’s desire as revealed by your Higher Self, you can begin to apply various manifestation concepts to nourish your desire and bring it into fruition.
This is where the fun really begins!!!! How To Manifest What You Truly Want For Your Life
Apply the following techniques in order to manifest your heart’s desire:
First, calm your body and your mind by sitting in a quiet place, close your eyes, and turn your attention inward and focus on your third eye between your eyebrows. Take 3 deep breaths-in through the nose and out through the mouth. As you exhale, repeat the sound of “aah.” Next, breathe in through your nose and exhale through your nose and focus on your breath. Do this 3 times. Now that your body and mind are relaxed, you can begin to visualize your desire as it is revealed to you.
Once you have experienced what you feel is a true desire, then you can begin to visualize this desire in great detail already fulfilled in your mind’s eye. Create a mental movie of this desire in as much detail as possible. Use all your senses to see, hear, touch, taste, and above all, feel, the end result in your mind’s eye. Capture the feeling state associated with your desire. Would you feel strong, powerful,love,peace,joy, having achieved your desire? The feeling state linked to the visualization fuels the flame to manifest your desire. Practice these techniques on a regular basis and make miracles happen in your life!!!!
Mark Pears