The Anger Iceberg

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have noticed by now that a lot of people are angry.? You may have noticed in yourself the tendency for anger to surface more easily or quickly than expected.

The Gottman Institute coined some interesting imagery around anger…the iceberg.? The iceberg is a great analogy for how we experience anger as a secondary emotion.? It’s often considered a secondary emotion because before you feel anger, you are probably feeling something else first.? Those other things that you are feeling are often more vulnerable feelings that we prefer to keep hidden under the surface.

While the world experiences us as angry, under the surface we might be feeling disappointed,overwhelmed, scared, embarrassed, helpless, anxious, lonely, or a myriad of other emotions.? Often those emotions are not just below the surface relative to the world around us, they are hidden to ourselves, hidden just beneath our own conscious awareness.??

It somehow feels safer to let the anger surface for others to see.? The IFS therapy model would view anger as trying to protect you, or more specifically, trying to protect you from experiencing those more vulnerable emotions.? The danger is that anger as a protector often serves to inadvertently worsen the primary emotion.

For instance, if a waiter spills a dish in your lap, you might feel embarrassed.? If you react in anger and shout at the waiter, you likely draw more attention to yourself, worsening your embarrassment.? Then you likely feel the added emotion of shame for your lack of grace in the situation.??

The good news is that those more vulnerable emotions are often accessible with a little time and space.? When you notice anger rising, slow down…breathe…reflect.? Before responding, stop and ask yourself if there is something else going on.? If responding feels urgent, ask yourself what you are afraid will happen if you don’t respond right now.? What you are afraid will happen might give you valuable insight into what lies below the surface.? You don’t have to squash your anger.? Anger is good and valuable when understood and channeled appropriately.? Give yourself permission to wait and choose your response carefully.? Then slow down again…breathe…reflect.

This is particularly helpful in the world of social media.? Before you comment, pause and ask yourself if it is really helpful.??

As an appraiser, I’ve had to practice this many times,…and I’ve also failed to practice this many times.? Did that revision request feel personal?? Maybe it was, but probably not.? If it was, is responding in anger helpful?? Did that agent seem unnecessarily defensive?? Perhaps, but won’t responding in anger merely serve to justify that defensiveness???

I’m not sure I agree with the adage, ‘time heals all wounds’, but I do agree that giving some time to understand your anger before responding will definitely prevent wounds to yourself and others.