Anger is addictive

It seems as if there is an epidemic of anger in our world right now. People respond with anger, even rage, over what seem to be innocuous comments, normal situations where disagreements occur and presumed attacks which are generally just differences of opinions. The current tendency to react quickly with anger to virtually any instance is being reflected in the world of mediation and conflict coaching.

Why so angry?

So what is behind all this rage? Why are people reacting so quickly with anger rather than discussing minor issues like adults? There are several reasons:

• Separation from others: The lack of face to face communication is a key culprit in why anger is so often the first response. When you deal with someone in person you get instant access to their side of the story. This makes it easier to understand what they meant, or at least their point of view. Thinking through someone else's point of view requires a different mindset than anger. This separation can be caused by many factors, including: social media, social distancing, masks, and geographic distance.
• Lack of consequences: Rather than having negative consequences from over reactions and anger at everyday issues, people are being praised and rewarded socially for their anger. This reinforces the chemical reactions that take place when anger is evoked.
• Unwillingness to deal with issues: When people want to distract themselves and others from dealing with the emotional impact of an issue, they will often use anger as a way to distract.

Anger is addictive

What most people don't realize is that the emotion of anger triggers the fight/flight mechanism in our brains, releasing powerful chemicals. It creates an immediate dopamine rush that makes us feel strong, invincible and in control. It can make someone feel as though they have on armor with which to deal with an issue — but in reality that armor is preventing communication.

This dopamine hit feels good, but it needs to be continuously triggered to keep that feeling. This is one of the reasons people get so over wrought about "micro aggressions". They are looking for the smallest reason to create that rush.

When society rewards those who continuously look for that rush, either by not challenging them, creating safe spaces for them or even applauding them, we reinforce the addictive aspect of that dopamine rush.

Dealing with it

It is difficult to deal with someone who is addicted to anger because anger short-circuits logic. They may be unwilling (or unable) to release their anger for long enough to have a discussion about the actual issue.

• Take a break: It is always acceptable to take a break from a discussion and state that because they are so angry - the discussion will not be effective. Tell them that when they calm down you can speak with them.
• Suggest they write it down: By asking that they write down what they are angry about, you are asking them to use different parts of the brain. This can calm down the dopamine rush, and move them into a place where discussion might actually work.
• Don't actually engage: Don't try to win an argument with someone who is angry. It won't work, and may serve to "feed the beast". It is perfectly acceptable to tell them that you don't agree with their statements, but you won't engage with them.
• Point it out: Ask them directly if the anger they are feeling feels good, makes them feel powerful. It may be enough to shock them out of their anger.

We have failed culturally if we do not understand how to deal with day to day conflicts and issues without resorting to anger. It takes much practice and self-awareness to successfully manage life's situations. Anger is a destructive force that prevents us from moving forward.

For more articles about conflict resolution see my blog.