Andrew's Story

W: Maria and I celebrated our third anniversary in June 2023. We always wanted to provide a safe home for kiddos in need. About a year into our marriage, we started the process of becoming foster parents through the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition. We were sure to do plenty of research; being trained by an inclusive and accepting group of people was a priority of ours. After reading online and reaching out, we were beyond impressed with the anecdotes and testimonials we had heard from others who had experienced training through the Coalition. Unsurprisingly, we couldn’t be more pleased with the training we received. Not only do we hold a close relationship with our trainers – Connie, Kenya, Karen, and Jenny - but we also made a lot of friends in our classes. We’re all connected and help each other out in any way we can; providing respite, sharing resources, et cetera. Our family unit had expanded before we even received placement of our, now adopted, son, Andrew.

M: We were licensed on September 23rd, 2021. On September 24th, we received a call about a 10-year-old boy needing placement. Our nerves were buzzing; super excited to meet him but also trying to wrap our heads around having a child placed with us literally overnight. But this was what we set out to do; of course, we said yes.

“The gentler and more understanding you are, the more likely you are to build a positive, trusting relationship with the child you’re fostering.” - Whitney, Adoptive Mom

We fell in love with Andrew right away. It was such a surreal experience for us. All at once, we had a preteen in our home, and everything that comes with that. Nonetheless, our family embraced him immediately, and we quickly began to figure out how to approach our relationship with him.

W: His situation was unique in some ways, because his mother didn’t want any connection with him. His mother had also prevented Andrew’s father from having a relationship with him. While we haven’t made much progress on the situation with Andrew’s mother, fortunately, we were able to swiftly rekindle his relationship with his father. We recently began supervising their visits. You could tell they were both really yearning for that relationship. It was amazing to see Andrew finally be able to connect with that part of his life he had never known. Our training from the Coalition had such a powerful emphasis on maintaining relationships with the child’s biological family, so it was easy for us to understand how necessary it was. You don’t always have to share the same perspective and reasonings with them, but we were taught, and wholeheartedly believe, supporting the relationships with the biological family, and preserving connections, is what’s best for the kiddo.

M: I agree. That’s something that really stood out to me, in hindsight. We didn’t think too much about how deep of an impact our relationship with Andrew’s biological dad would have on him. But reaching out and maintaining that flow of love and understanding really did make Andrew’s transition so much easier. We struggled at the beginning, but then it really clicked. As Whitney said, our Coalition trainers were beyond supportive and prepared us very well. We were encouraged to remain open, and even stretch ourselves beyond what we think we can do. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, don’t be afraid to pester, overcommunicate; all those steps are necessary. They always said, “You’d be surprised at how much your heart can give.” And Andrew is such an amazing kiddo; so lovable!

W: He was so receptive to us, as well; he quickly made himself right at home. He walked in and wanted to get unpacked right away; fluffed out his Super Mario Bros. blanket and displayed it on the couch so proudly! It was adorable.

M: We truly felt it was the perfect fit, and he became part of our family instantly. Again, what really helped in our transition to parenthood as well as Andrew’s transition to our home, was our immensely supportive group of trainers. During Andrew’s first weekend with us, he told us he played soccer, and we panicked because it was the middle of soccer season. We called up Connie and said, “Help, we need to get this kid in soccer!” We didn’t know exactly what could be done, but Connie said, “Hold on, let me see.” She reached out to some friends, and we were able to get him on a little soccer team, right away!

W: So, as time went on, Andrew quickly began to flourish! He was doing so well in school, socially, and with his extracurricular activities. We made sure he felt fully empowered to learn more about his interests. Maria and I felt lucky to guide him through those crucial years of growth. It was understood that his placement prior to us wasn’t a good fit; he developed some negative behaviors, acted out, stuff like that. But with us, none of those mannerisms surfaced. Our relationship with him grew so deeply. One day, Andrew let us and the caseworker know he wanted to be adopted. She later suggested it to Maria and me. As time went on, it felt more and more like the only obvious next step. Andrew was fully gelled with our family at this point, so he was fully on board! His dad very humbly knew he couldn’t provide for Andrew, but still wanted to be a part of his life. Of course, we assured him we’d maintain the strongest possible relationship. He and Andrew’s biological mom then voluntarily signed termination of parental rights, or TPR. For us, it was a no-brainer; he had already become part of our family and we wanted the best for him.

M: We made sure to keep him involved in this transitional process, as well. Since he was a little older, we wanted to make sure he felt some sort of autonomy and control. We instilled frequent check-ins among the three of us. We’d ask him, “Do you feel like this is where you want to be the rest of your life? Our love and care will always be permanent, but would you like this to be the home you come back to?” He had been through so many transitions through his life; several people had abandoned him in a variety of traumatic ways. Our priority, as parents, was to ensure he knew we weren’t going anywhere; we’d always be there for him. Advocating for the child’s permanency is something that never stops. When a child doesn’t know that their bed will be theirs for a set amount of time, or who they’ll be spending that Christmas with, that’s when they panic, worry, and often act out. I think his adoption also served as a strong sense of security; the permanency of it, it wasn’t just a temporary stay. It was our way of saying, “You won’t be abandoned this time.”

W: Apart from Andrew, we’ve fostered three children over the years. He was so extremely welcoming of those he shared our home with; he loves being a brother!

M: It’s very natural for him. He’s such a genuine person with so much charisma; it wasn’t like we had to intervene and make him socialize. He welcomes everyone with open arms.

W: I think that’s a great point; to let things happen naturally. For those considering becoming foster parents, that would be my advice: allow your kids to form attachments naturally. We’ve learned that this is key. When you biologically give birth to a child, you have that natural tether to them. With fostering, you need to approach it differently. Forcing children into a relationship, or making them conform to a specific family type, usually doesn’t create the proper environment for that kiddo to feel safe and accepted. Children in foster care need the freedom to attach when and how they want to. With the four children we’ve taken placement of over the years, I’ve learned not to take it personally; just to accept how they communicate, if they want to. The gentler and more understanding you are, the more likely you are to build a positive, trusting relationship with the child you’re fostering. You, as an adult, need to put aside your emotions and desires for how you’d like the relationship to look. Let your child be who they are. Let them form attachments in ways they’re comfortable with, in their own time. Every kiddo is different in that way.

M: Whitney and I both hope for, and we’ve shared this with Andrew, his continued healing. He had an entire life before he came to us. As foster parents, we understand the impact of trauma, but there are many things Andrew may not understand yet, or even be able to process. We’re dedicated to being there for him throughout his journey, to help with whatever may be thrown his way. He continues to go to therapy and get to know himself. For the future, we really just want him to be happy. We want him to find something he loves and pursue it, college or no college – we don’t care! As long as he knows his past is no match for his character and heart.

Featured Training in Story: STARS

The Family Development program offers the STARS pre-service training, a meticulously structured program aimed at equipping aspiring foster parents with the essential knowledge, skills, and insight necessary for nurturing children who have experienced trauma and instability. The objective is to aid foster parents in establishing a secure and affectionate atmosphere that fosters the holistic well-being of the children under their care—physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Furthermore, the program seeks to empower foster parents to adeptly engage with professionals, support the educational needs of the child, and actively contribute to the pursuit of potential reunification with the biological family or other permanent solutions.

Author: Norah Okilee