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Would you like to Waltz with me?

A few evenings ago, I danced. The time before that was well over 8 months prior. When my eldest was still in her crib, I danced for her frequently. As I danced, she was mesmerized. To keep her happy, I danced. She knew, even at five months young, my dancing skills far surpassed my singing skills.

At the tender age of three, my mother signed me up for my first dance class. Since we spoke Hungarian at home, I didn’t understand my instructor linguistically. Through movement, language had no barriers. One simply had to follow the steps and practice, and that’s exactly what I did. Dance moved from dry ground to the ice when I was four-years-young.?

My childhood was spent in dance classes, on the ice (dancing), and in the gym for gymnastics. Routines were crafted by my various coaches, I learned each one, and delivered each turn, jump, and flip through competitions and recitals to the best of my abilities. Dance was always exact movements - “Remember, pretty hands,” Connie would say. Put your head this way, point your toes that way, smile here, express yourself like this.?

One would think dance would be an expression of self. But in all reality, it’s an expression of what others are asking of you. Unless, of course, it’s freestyle. Then, dance is open to interpretation and true self expression. The Olympic figure skaters certainly execute their choreography practically flawlessly, but did they choreograph their entire routine? More often than not, no. Swan Lake, The Nutcracker, or any other ballet is choreographed and the dancer is told where to move and how to move. Every. Single. Movement. is placed exactly where it should be to get the best performance out of the dancers and for the audience.?

Please understand, I know it’s not easy to be top notch at anything in life. If it was easy, we would all be Olympic competitors or prima ballerinas, right? That’s not what we’re talking about here.?

If you go out dancing with friends, that is where self expression happens. Dancing with friends allows you to move from deep within the soul. Your movements are 100% authentically yours. You can choose whether or not you want to follow a trend, if you want to get in line with a line dance, or two-step the night away with a partner.?

Somewhere, as an adult, I stopped dancing. Now, thinking about it, I realize I stopped when we escaped the abuse. The abuser took me out dancing. I was his arm candy. In all fairness, I had fun when we went out. Interestingly enough, he was nicer to me with alcohol running through his veins than he was sober. Once we left, the music stopped. The dancing stopped. The singing stopped (probably for the benefit of my kids). Survival mode kicked in 100% of the time. There was no time for free movement, for laughter, for any sort of joy to be expressed within my soul. Even the music in the car stopped. Unless, of course, we were going on longer drives. Then, we graciously allowed Tim McGraw to sing his songs with us.

I allowed myself the luxury of small movements in church one day. I realized what I was doing and quickly stopped. But, the Lord works in amazing ways, and I started moving again. I swayed back and forth ever so delicately, singing, and being grateful to be alive. It felt wonderful to move again.

Approximately seven years after we escaped, a friend of mine invited me to a dance party she was hosting. Since I highly value this friend, I went. I was completely out of my comfort zone. First of all, her class of friends was far different than the lifestyle I left behind. Though I was more accustomed to the lifestyle she and her friends represented (from childhood), it was as though it was a distant dream. I slowly walked up the long driveway filled with cars I could only dream about. The house was impressive as well. Imposter syndrome kicked in immediately. I almost turned back and called it quits. However, through that gentle nudge we sometimes ignore, I proceeded forward.?

That evening I danced. I looked goofy. I felt out of place. I didn’t understand why I was there - if they knew what I’ve been through, how I’ve lived, my story, they would certainly ask me to leave. Funny thing, nobody asked about any of that. All of the ladies were there to celebrate life together - to move and to allow our souls to be free - even if for just a few hours. We all had stories. Each of us left our stories on the driveway. We came together, unified in our peaks and valleys, and we danced.?

For the first time in well over 7 years, my soul was happy. I made a promise to my little girl inside to dance more frequently. But, I didn’t follow through with that promise. I went back into hiding and shut down the freedom. My survival mode took over and scoffed at the happiness brought on through movement.

A year later, there was another invite by this same, cherished friend. There was a celebration. There was food. And, you know what else there was? You got it - dancing - lots and lots of dancing. Again, I promised my sweet little girl inside to dance more frequently. We started small with swaying a bit more in church. We sang the praise and worship songs, and I tapped my toes and even tapped my hand on the side of my leg in tempo with the song. My soul was happy in those moments. The radio was turned on more frequently as well.?

For someone who grew up dancing, when I allowed that part of me to be buried, I allowed for sadness and depression to take over. I allowed for my truest self to be squandered. It doesn’t matter if you’re a dancer, a singer, or an artist in any form, closing that part of you off, is simply doing an injustice to your soul. You’re more than likely closing off your way of self-expression due to living in survival mode after experiencing trauma. You want to hide your pain, and so you’re hiding all of you. You’re wearing a mask and it’s serving no one - especially you. I know this too intimately as I’ve worn the same mask time and again.?

Dancing once again the other evening reminded me to be true to my authentic self. It reminded me to live my best life - even when I look goofy and am off beat sometimes because I’m thinking more instead of doing. It reminded me to move - move out of my comfort zone, move forward, move sideways… to simply keep moving.?

Do what fills your cup. If it’s archery, get out to the range. If it’s horseback riding, it’s time to saddle up. If you love to draw, get a pencil and paper in front of you and start with one teeny tiny little line. Whatever brings you joy, start small. It doesn’t have to be grandiose. Start doing that thing today. Stop thinking about what you’re doing. Stop analyzing how it’s all going to work out. Stop stopping yourself.?

Take a deep breath, hold it for a moment, let it out slowly… and go dance!