Anatomy Of A Scandal

(Borrowing the title of Sara Vaughan's novel, which was also recently made into an OTT miniseries - TMI, I know). Trigger alert: reference to sexual abuse

I chose to write about this episode, rather than make a video out of it, since the trolls are sometimes slower to react to the text, or maybe they're just more active on video platforms, I don't really know. But also, so that it gives all of us a chance to slow our thoughts down, and digest things beyond the first instincts we might have.

This letter is, in equal parts, my reflection on prioritisation, as it is on addressing the sense of violation that follows an incident of sexual harassment. It is, in no way, meant to minimize the experience of others or a judgment on any reactions or responses others may have in similar circumstances. I ask for the same consideration in my narration of the events and thoughts - for they are mine, at the moment, and with the present wisdom I have. My intention is only to offer hope, and perhaps, understanding, or some solace, to anyone that might have experienced the feeling of their most personal boundaries transgressed.

I was recently, while on travels, at the receiving end of some very direct and physical advances from a service provider. It was one of those situations where the boundaries of touch were a little blurry - as in the case of a tailor having to take measurements or a physical therapist who has to make physical contact. This might not sound very progressive but when we're blindsided by occurrences, we often regress to our childhood states...and mine was to question me, ask if I was imagining things, overreacting, or being a sour-puss (it's pointless to blame the people who might have planted these beliefs in childhood - they often operate from their helplessness and each of us digests inputs and internalizes them differently).

What I did acknowledge was my sense of intense discomfort, a feeling of violation, and a wave of revulsion that surged through me. These were enough to tell me this touch was NOT OKAY FOR ME. And that was the only metric that counted in a situation like this. Would you believe I even hid in my room for an evening to avoid the chance of encountering this person again? I don't judge myself for that either...these were just my self-preservation instincts kicking in.

I created some space, and asked myself a series of questions, to slowly turn off the wailing smoke alarm in my head and activate my thinking and problem-solving brain - I gathered some data from other visitors, and staff, and laid out all the interactions I'd had with this person to evaluate what their intentions might have been. Problems often need slow thinking to be solved, rather than just be reacted to.

First and foremost, I was, through a process of visualization I often use, able to acknowledge but separate the intense sensations on my body and in my mind, from the silent watcher. There is an 'I' who can observe, that is untouched, still, through all the tumult our body and senses go through. This stillness is experienced in deep sleep, in moments of deep meditation, and with practice, in our everyday life. Trusting that ‘I’ was okay, and the physical body was unharmed, I sat with the hurt that I felt. I then proceeded to the next step of addressing the thoughts and emotions that came up and the decision of how to respond to this occurrence.

I eventually decided that this particular instance might have been a case of lack of awareness or understanding of personal boundaries on the part of the individual - this is NOT an explanation or excuse for any acts of sexual harassment - I'd like to make that clear.

What to do now? Here's how I thought things through:

1. I am a person with a voice, resilience, and agency. Therefore I felt I must speak up, not just on my behalf, but on behalf of others who I'd heard, went through similar experiences at this facility, who might not have been able to voice their discomfort or outrage. And certainly to prevent future incidents.

2. I wanted, given the data I had gathered, to give the parties concerned a chance to correct behaviour, to put safeguards in place, rather than to punish them. I'm not entirely convinced that punishment (good as it feels for us who've been wronged) is the most useful tool or the first line of recourse for behaviour change. So I spoke firmly to the person in question, as well as to the persons who connected me to this service provider.

3. Their responses weren't thrilling - as in no one went down on their knees to beg forgiveness, apologised in tears (or even refunded my money)...but I felt my point was made clearly and directly, and I had made it clear I would be looking for a follow-up.

4. This last bit might sound the most controversial, and I often quote a scene from the movie 'Just Mercy' when similar situations come up...I asked myself if, in this moment, this was the biggest fight I wanted to pick or the cause I wanted to pour my time and effort into...both very finite resources. I have, in the past, hijacked my personal and professional life to fighting for causes that felt were important to me, but I know these come at a price, and, over time, I've come to believe that I would rather pick a few causes I want to fight for, and apply concerted thought and action to create change at the highest levels I can reach. In the movie I referred to, there is a lawyer who has to endure humiliation and racial discrimination, but he has his eye on a bigger cause (I've written about this before too). He could well have turned each of these instances into a fight...and he would probably have won those...but with that much less fuel available for his big battle.

So whether it's a relative with antithetical or archaic views (always relative to our own), or a colleague or senior who has irritating habits, it could be useful to ask ourselves if this is the fight we want to fight. The answer may well be a yes, and any environment could become toxic and poison our agency if it gets too pervasive or endures. But the choice to act will be a considered decision, not us getting helpless dragged by our sense of outrage, and without consideration of the consequences.

If reading this has brought up uncomfortable or painful thoughts or memories, please do reach out to a support group or helping professional or friend. When we share our suffering, it can make us feel less alone and helpless.