Ambivalence in Your Marriage

The uncertainty.

The one foot in, one foot out.

The “I want to fight for this” and then the “I can’t stay in this.”

The experience of ambivalence in your marriage is one that I’ve observed people stay in for years.?

This is when you have that “I want to stay, and then I want to leave” dynamic happening in your head.?

You find yourself in a state of cognitive dissonance. One part of you want to hold on to hope that things will work out, the other part is so angry, sad, and disappointed, that you can’t see any possible way that it would work out.

If you find yourself in this place, I am not here to condemn, judge, or criticize you.

Today, we are holding space for this tender, difficult season and creating a greater understanding of what’s going on.

No one gets to marital ambivalence overnight.

It comes after a series of hopes and disappointments.

Good moments, then horrible ones.

Stretches of time when you are getting along, then days and weeks where you can’t have any productive conversation.

This happens because, well, marriage is a rollercoaster of emotions.

You bring together two imperfect people who then love each other imperfectly.

Some of the mistakes we make, the growth still yet to take place, and the absent self awareness create breakdowns that are not easily repaired.?

And when those breakdowns add up over weeks, months, and years, the love and confidence you had in your partner being right for you begins to wane.

You started out headed in one direction together, and now you’ve ended up in a completely different place.??

There is sadness and grief in that. Allow yourself to experience it.?

Here are some other important considerations to keep in mind as you navigate this time.

#1. Ambivalence keeps you going around in circles (and that’s ok). I think one of the most important things you can do is own the reality that the back and forth in your own head is keeping you on the merry-go-round. That can be very empowering because it helps you just own where you are. So many times clients want to put all the blame on their spouse for not changing, or not leaving. But when you can look and be conscious of the fact that inside your own mind, there is a duality, and you have not yet picked a side, then you see the power you have to shift the circumstances you are in. Do not judge yourself, just be aware of the role you are playing in your own feelings of stuckness.

#2. There’s an underlying reason you are not moving in one direction or another. It’s so important you tell yourself the truth about what you are not choosing to go all in on staying, or all in on leaving. Is it fear? Desire to keep your family together? People pleasing? Complete this sentence: The real reason I’m stuck is… And have compassion for whatever you come up with. In this challenging space, it’s so important for you to not shame or blame yourself. That will only block your ability to come up with the best steps forward.?

#3. Addressing your underlying reason will make the path forward more clear. Instead of only looking at do I stay or leave, spend more time looking at your fear or your desire. Be willing to explore all the ways to address that underlying issue. If you are worried about how your kids will do if you separate, start talking to professionals who can give you sound information and guidance. If you are worried about having hope and putting forth the effort for your marriage, how could you do that in a way that honors your best self, instead of feeling desperate or foolish?

In either instance, it will be helpful to avoid painting the worst case scenarios.?

One of the most empowering places to make decisions is by asking, “What would a win-win scenario look like here?”?

There is so much more possibility there.?

Moving forward in one direction or another will feel so much lighter.?

My best,

Dr. Chavonne

P.S. For more on this topic, listen to my recent podcast Episode #230: STUCK.