Ambition, meet my demons

TED talks and articles abound, all provide valuable insight to understanding what imposter syndrome is. The one thing I’ve struggled with though, is how it makes me feel. 

Ambition

It’s 08:00, and for once, I’m on time. #Winning. In my best clothes, with my best smelling perfume, I arrive at my desk, and do my Wonder Woman pose (it works actually - 2 minutes in a Wonder Woman pose makes one feel more confident). Why? Because at 10:00 my colleague and I have been invited to the Executive Committee where we’re going to present to EXCO. Eeeeeeeek! ??. I’ve rehearsed my section of the presentation for about a million times now. I’m ready.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Come on. We can do this ??????. Fist pump as we walk toward the boardroom. Ooooh. One of those fancy boardrooms...where the carpet is fluffier...the air cons are colder (I’ll never understand why) and the people are sterner. I greet the security guard...and everyone around us...and visit the bathroom for like the 100th time ??. 

It’s finally time!!! We enter the room and look around for empty seats, and take note of every detail. Only one woman in this room, ok. The seats next to her are taken. Ok, ok, ok. Everyone else looks the same - fancy suit, ties. Oh, a familiar face?? “Sit over here Priya and Nomonde, next to me. I will introduce you shortly. Would you like some water?” 

I try to calm myself. Wonder Woman pose in the chair - do this ??Pretend that there is a string holding your head up, put both elbows on the armrests and look straight at the person/people you are addressing - biologically, it loosens your vocal chords - google it if you don’t believe me - it takes that squeak out of your voice). Deep breath. 

“Team, as the representatives of our Diversity and Inclusion team, Priya and Nomonde have been working closely with our colleagues to help us understand that black box we call “Diversity”. They have been working tirelessly, in addition to their day jobs to put this together. Their slides start on Page 205 on EXCO Books. The floor is yours.” 

Thank you. We would like to start our presentation with a little activity. We know you have spent the entire day here and are probably a bit tired so hopefully this energise you. We physically walk around the room and hand to each person a print out of a slide with a font size of 22 that reads (Try it, it’s an exercise for you as well)

“A father and son are in a horrible car accident that kills the dad. The son is rushed to the hospital; just as he’s about to go under anesthetic, the surgeon says “I can’t operate - that boy is my son!” How can that be?”

The exercise is timed. We set our watches to 2 minutes. 

My niece, who’s 5 years old, by the way, got this in 10 seconds. Yep, that unconscious bias needs to become conscious so that it can be addressed ??. 

Only one person gets the answer right ?? - we’ll just leave the awkward silence there for a bit ……   

We nailed this presentation!!! Diversity is the magic that makes people feel welcome, included and be the best version of themselves. 

??????, sigh of relief. 

My demons

Buuutttt, as I walk back to the office, I start saying to myself, “Was that good? What did everyone in the room think of me? Does everyone now think that I have too much spare time on my hands because I did this presentation? Oh my response to that question - argh, that was so stupid. Oh and I now need to get this deck updated before the end of the day. I stuttered at the start, didn’t I? I shouldn't have said that. I should have said this instead. 

Oh no, oh no, oh no, it's everywhere now, I just scraped through to get enough points to get to university. I was lucky, and completed my degree, but then why am I struggling with this deliverable?  

Ugh let me go get that deck out after everyone’s crapped on my work. Is my model even right? I hope it’s pulling from the right tabs. I just winged it. I don’t know anything about models. I YouTubed all the functionality...and well it works. So GDP and banking revenue pools are not correlated...except in South Africa...so each country has its own tab with the detailed regressions. Yes, I checked, I’ve updated the sheet for Kenya to include the mobile loans pool (are microloans even a good thing?) - and the other countries do triangulate. 

Ok, calm down. But what if it’s all wrong ??????? I mean, I’m not a modeller. I don’t even have a certification. What do I say when they realise it’s all wrong? The school of YouTube? But this thing kind of works...and the deck is based on it. I’ll just double-check everything...then check against other research to see if the projections make sense. 

Nooooo! I’m going to be reprimanded. And my performance rating is going to be impacted. That means no increase, no bonus. I’ve failed, failed at everything, I’m a loser, and now everyone is going to find out. 

I don’t voice this. Not to a single soul. I just keep it inside me. It eats away at my soul. It questions everything I do. It gets bigger. I keep remembering everything I’m failing at. I keep adding to it. All my failures. It just taunts me. It impacts everything I do. I struggle to speak to anyone; I struggle to eat, to sleep; I struggle to do anything. My stomach churns in knots. I am irritated by everyone around me. My phone irritates me. LinkedIn notification. Look. Everyone's been promoted!!! Yeeeeeeeeaah, everyone except me. I must be a total loser. I work 15 hour days...every day...but still, I still suck. How did I even get here? 

I log in to Twitter. Oh look, the Forbes 30 under 30 is out today. I browse through the faces. I don’t know anyone but just how did they achieve so much when I can barely hold it together? 

Angry, frustrated, I toss and turn in bed, and allow the imposter demon to suck out my soul. I have no energy in the morning but routinely do what I need to. I keep undermining myself. I’m quiet in every meeting. I struggle to hold a conversation. I just scroll up and down the pages in the slide deck and alt-page up/down every tab in the excel model. And just like that,, I’ve drifted off into a negative spiral. Was the model even worth it? Was the deck worth it? 

Taming the demon

If you’ve experienced this, or know this feeling, that’s it! That’s Imposter Syndrome. Or, as I call it, the Imposter Demon (like you know those dementors in Harry Potter, those ones that suck out your soul - insert dementor sound here that deep inhale - you can hear it right)

There’s some spell that Harry Potter does, but hey, we’re not wizards...and this is reality. Wonder Woman pose. Two minutes. Deep breath! Here are some practical steps to tame that demon. I say tame the demon, because it never goes away, you need to learn how to control it. 

1. Call someone you trust and knows you well. Voice it out. Don’t ever keep it in. And the sooner you do it, the faster you can tame that demon. 

• Cry if you have to, swear, shout! 
• We are often our biggest critics. We set a bar far too high that nobody else cares about.
• Call your ‘go-to’ person: This person must remind you that you are AWESOME and to never let anyone, including yourself question that. And ask you to say out loud “I am AWESOME!” 
• Make sure that you’ve eaten. How are you going to function without any food in you?

2. Reinforce your knowledge 

• Go through one of your best pieces of work. Remember how you felt when you did that.
• There will always be someone judging your ability but let your knowledge or skill or experience speak for itself. You know your stuff. And if you feel you don’t, then learn more but don’t let that stop you from raising your hand and providing your opinion. 
• Make it a point to learn something frequently (everyone has their own vibe at this, be it a TED talk or speaking to their teenage niece, new things can be learnt anywhere, at any time). 

3. Make mistakes, fail and fail as often as you can. It’s the only way you can learn 

• There is only one thing that builds confidence, and that is doing stuff. I guess Nike knows what they’re talking about when they say Just do it! 
• Yes, you will fail, but fail some more and learn from it. Question why it went wrong, fix it and then try again. Before you know it, whatever it is that you were trying to do, you’re now an expert at. 
• Be random! Creativity is something we lose as we grow up - unleash your inner child - she’s curious and questions everything. 

Set your ambitions high, extremely high. You can achieve it! Success is not a job title and salary, it’s about being fully human! Speak your truth! I remember the wise words of my “wise counsel” Moses Musyoka “No one can dull your shine! You’ve got this!”

This series of articles was inspired by a random thought of how lack of access to resources is normalised yet it has a huge impact on achieving success. In one weekend, hundreds flocked to the tweet sharing their own stories of how deep seemingly normal things from our backgrounds affects our ability to succeed and the impact on our mental health - despite the outward smiles on display. This is for every underprivileged person that is navigating the world. You've found your tribe. Join us as we share more every week and delve deeper into some of these problems. Read about navigating the world of privilege in our first article. There's more to come. We just got started.

Co-authored by Priya Rowjee and Sandika Daya who met as corporate slaves, are bound by random thoughts and will one day be the superheroes that they can't physically draw but only they can see in their minds eyes.

Catch up with Priya on her LinkedIn page and on Twitter when she's not dreaming of solving the world's problems. Check out Sandika's professional stuff on LinkedIn and then her Twitter account where she freaks out about kicking ass at the professional stuff.