The amazing one-legged columnist

Howard Stern once did a radio show in the nude, something unseen but experienced. That act of audacity amazed me. Today, I am mirroring his act of chutzpah by writing this column with just one leg. It is my right leg.

December 2024 began on an ominous note, with ugly purple swelling on two toes of my left foot. The pain became intense, and I couldn’t walk. The doctor took a short look at it, attributed it to a diabetes infection and booked me into Windhoek Central for an amputation. Matthew 5:30. “If your right hand offends you…” Or the lower part of my left leg.

I don’t regret the loss of my left foot to just below the knee. The infection would have killed me. Rather I deeply appreciate my right leg, although it struggles to balance. I found this out the hard way while trying out my crutches. The fall was painful, made worse by the fact that I have very little flesh left on my butt. I came down hard, and didn’t bounce. Crutches aren’t as easy as they appear to be in movies.

The answer was a wheelchair, at least for now, and one-legged squats to improve my balance and strengthen my right leg. The trick to standing is to push up with my right leg and left hand, while using my right hand to steady myself. It’s not instinctual, so I find myself learning to walk and stand again, decades after learning those skills as a toddler.

The wheelchair provides its moments of laughter. My adventures on upward slopes are worthy of Roadrunner cartoons. More often than not, I find myself rolling backwards like Wile E Coyote despite the laborious progress upwards. Every few centimeters are important but will take muscular effort until I figure out how to use the crutches. Railings at the side of slopes are useful, for pulling yourself upwards. Sometimes, passing strangers offer a push. Those souls are wonderful people.

Upper body strength is critical and I am working out with weights for now.

The secret to somewhere being wheelchair-accessible is actually lifts, given that architects don’t seem to have learned that a wheelchair friendly slope must have a grade of not less than 1:12. Those lifts should be big enough to turn a wheelchair, while sharing with a group of other people, and their trolleys.

Have I considered a prosthesis, a fake left foot? Yes, but it is very expensive. That won’t happen for a while, unless I list myself on the GoFundMe site. It seems fundamentally wrong though if I can learn how to use the crutches. There are people who need help far more than I do: drought-stricken people, and millionaires who have lost everything to natural disaster and denial of insurance claims. So, donations won’t be accepted.

Every downside has its upside. I met people who were far worse off than me in the hospital, particularly the man with a hole in his skull who had unsettling seizures every now and then. I still have my mind, something to be grateful for. As I think of it, I still have my hands and fingers with which to write this column, another blessing.

Barring the death of loved ones there will always be an upside, if you look hard enough for it. I lost my lower left leg but still have my life and have found reasons to be grateful. Happiness is easier than being unhappy and complaining.

You took the time and energy to read this, no doubt the first time you will have read a column written with one leg. Thanks for your eyes and mind.