Am I Working for a Toxic Leader? Ask Madeleine

Dear Madeleine,

I read your last blog with interest. My boss and I have worked together for four years and, generally speaking, I have done well with her. She shows appreciation for my work and has been warm and supportive of my career aspirations.

However, there are moments when something she does or says puts me into a tailspin that takes me a long time to recover from. It often is an offhand comment. I have spent a fair amount of time talking colleagues off the ledge for the same thing.

We all put up with it because she is brilliant and we learn so much from her. She challenges us to do great work, which we are all proud of. But she is A LOT, and we never quite know what to expect from her.

We have nicknamed her “Toxy” and have made a game of finding examples of toxic leaders on IG and debating which kind she is. At times I have thought about seeking a job elsewhere, but I feel like I may be learning how to navigate her. Also, there are enough great things about the work and the company that make it worth staying.

I hope you can explain this phenomenon and advise me on what I might do to manage it even more effectively.

How Toxic Is Too Toxic?

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Dear How Toxic is Too Toxic?

First, thanks for making me laugh—your nickname for your boss is darkly funny. It’s also sad. I am sorry for you, your colleagues, and your boss.

I dedicated my first coaching company to helping creative geniuses, which included people with unusually high IQs and many others who were extraordinarily gifted in some way. One of the first things creative geniuses need to do is learn how the world looks to people who aren’t them. This can be an insurmountable challenge for some. When these people become leaders, they are often oblivious to the effect the combination of their personality, their high standards, and their increased power has over others. It can create a difficult environment.

Now let’s define toxic. When we talk about toxic leaders, we usually mean people who create a harmful, destructive, or abusive work environment. Toxic leaders tend to prioritize their own power, control, or personal gain over the well-being of their team or their organization.

It would actually be a lot easier if leaders who unwittingly create a difficult or even toxic environment were, indeed, 100% evil. Unfortunately, what is more often the case is the leader is simply 100% human—that is, flawed—and lacks awareness of their impact on others. To confuse matters further, a leader’s personality traits will be interpreted differently by each individual on their team. A boss who is perceived as a bully by one person might be perceived by another as simply tough. A boss who seems controlling to one person might be seen by another as caring a lot about accuracy or quality.

It sounds to me like your boss is mostly guilty of being inconsistent, unpredictable, and unconscious of how her behavior affects people.

There is a distinction here between an actual, full-fledged, toxic leader—someone who has consciously chosen to win at all costs no matter the collateral damage—and a flawed leader who inadvertently creates a toxic work environment.

Here are some common traits of a toxic leader:

• Manipulative and self-serving: They use deception, favoritism, or power plays to maintain control.
• Micromanaging and controlling: They don’t trust their employees and constantly interfere with their work.
• Emotionally abusive: They belittle, humiliate, or gaslight employees. They remember mistakes and bring them up in perpetuity. They seek out ways to make others doubt themselves.
• Blame-shifting: They refuse to be accountable and often scapegoat others.
• Lacking empathy: They disregard the feelings, concerns, or professional growth of their team.
• Playing favorites/nepotism: They reward loyalty over competence, which leads to unfair treatment.
• Encouraging a toxic culture: They tolerate or even promote workplace bullying, competition, and fear.

Some examples of toxic leadership styles include but are not limited to:

• The bully, who uses intimidation and fear to control employees.
• The narcissist, who cares only about their own success and recognition and believes they are the only one whose feelings matter.
• The incompetent leader, who has little knowledge, skills, or experience, but lacks the humility required to listen to others or learn anything new.
• The workaholic martyr, who expects others to sacrifice work-life balance like they do, refuses to push back on unrealistic expectations from above, avoids responsibility for prioritizing (because everything is urgent), and behaves like a victim.
• The passive-aggressive leader, who undermines employees subtly rather than addressing issues directly, and avoids giving useful feedback.
• The unpredictably moody and explosive leader, who keeps everyone around them guessing about their emotional state, walking on eggshells, and avoiding interactions for fear of being ambushed.

So here is my question to you: do you think Toxy has any of these traits? Does her consistent style fit any of the profiles? If the answer is yes, encourage your teammates to keep records of inappropriate behavior or egregious incidents for eventual reporting to HR—and, of course, do the same yourself. You also may want to explore your options for another position.

If the environment Toxy has created still allows you to do your best work, there is a chance she isn’t truly toxic, just difficult. You may consider two specific things:

Learn to set boundaries. If something she does sends you into a tailspin, wait until you have calmed down and then tell her. Use “I” language; e.g.: “When this happens, it throws me for a loop.”

The keys to setting boundaries with anyone are:

• Strike when the iron is cool. Meeting strong emotion with your own strong emotion will not yield the desired result.
• Get clear on what you want.
• State your request and describe it clearly and concisely.
• Acknowledge the person when they meet your terms, or be ready to calmly point out when they don’t.

Next time you find yourself in a tailspin, try to figure out what triggered you and formulate a request to avoid such a trigger in the future. You may be able to help your boss understand the impact she has on you, which is possibly not her intention.

Practice taking nothing personally. It sounds like your boss throws everyone on the team off their game, so her behavior probably isn’t actually personal to you. She almost certainly does the same thing to her friends and family. This means it isn’t about you, it’s about her.

The best description of this truth can be found in the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. He says: “What others say and do is a reflection of their own reality, not yours.” If you feel yourself spinning out, ask yourself this question: “Am I taking this personally? And if I am, what might be different if I stopped doing that?”?

This might be something you can help your teammates do as well.

So there you have it. Either your boss really is toxic—in which case, fight back, involve HR, and get out as soon as you can. If she is simply complicated and thorny, give her the benefit of the doubt and gently teach her how to get the best from you.

Love, Madeleine

You can read more AskMadeleine at https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat