Am I WE And Who is THEY?

Over the years WE (I) have been conditioned to speak more inclusively about our teams or "the team" when it comes to accomplishments or decisions or questions...etc... I'm going to just lay it out there and say let's talk about it!

AND just to be clear...I am NOT referring to gender and gender neutral use of pronouns which we should all use appropriately and respectfully.

There is NO "I" in TEAM

A long time ago when the earth was green...many of us (me) started to use language that moved away from "I did...I said...I decided...etc" to "We did...We said...We decided...etc..." I believe the trend at the time was to combat leaders who took credit for everything when in fact there was a whole team of people behind her (him/them) who actually did all the work.

As WE (I) made those adjustments and got comfortable not only working as a WE to make decisions or to collaborate....it also became fairly common in Corporate America to use this as a daily way of speaking. WE (I) could also argue...that around that same time came THEY (referring to an unspecified group of people)! "THEY are looking at that...THEY don't want to go in that path...THEY said we should do it this way...etc..."

Now EVERYONE Is Doing It!

My theory about how the whole WE/THEY thing really took off is that it's a brilliant way of being able to talk about things without ever having to take ownership (WE isn't saying ME). It's also a great way of calling out problems or passing the buck without laying specific blame (even if blame needs to be clearly assigned). In an interesting twist...it can also be used as praise so no one can say they were left out - everyone gets a participation medal!

Now I think WE (seriously everyone) has gone too far in the way WE (all of us) communicate to a point where it's EVERYBODY and we can't identify ANYBODY who knows something or can answer a question or can be accountable to take action. I made this up but does it sound familiar at all?

WE made a decision to go in this direction and THEY are saying there are problems with that. Now WE have to look at this again and see what else is possible. Then THEY will have to work with us so see if it can be done. Then WE will need to communicate the changes so THEY are in the loop and can ensure WE are all successful

What's the Solution?

So there are at least three small steps I (there...I said it) have taken to turn the tide.

1. Use "I" in certain circumstances to break the ice and draw clarity. I have found it effective recently to start saying things like..."maybe it's just me...but here is what I am seeing...experiencing". Usually that breaks the spell of the WE/THEY references and gets the conversation rolling with more specific actions and accountability. Where I still remain firm in NOT saying "I" is related to accomplishments or giving out credit. I will refer to WE (it truly is more than one person) when the team is pulling together to accomplish great things
2. Say...Name Names! When the WE/THEY train starts rolling and you can't keep up with who is doing what when and what has been agreed to...simply say...Name Names. You can closely follow that up with...who is WE or They? Is That YOU...is that me? Name a few names!
3. Share YOUR screen and start typing notes. As the WEs/THEYs are being thrown around sometimes it is hard to break into the conversation to say "Name Names" or break the ice with an "I Statement". No worries...just share your screen...open up a blank document and start typing notes as people speak. That way when Sally says..."We need to do that and have it done soon" she sees it flashing up on the screen. Then you closely follow up with "Action: Sally will do XYZ by next week and report back". Sally...at this stage...is usually quick to point out..."When I said WE...I wasn't referring to ME I was referring to Bob". ...and thus begins the negotiations of who does what when begins!

In Closing...

I can admit that I use WE/THEY in conversations a lot more than I should. I don't know if it is because it is a less confrontational way to enter or exit a conversation or I have been SO conditioned over the years to use it that I don't even know I am using it in situations that TRULY require more courage and clarity.

So...with all that said...I hope you will join me affecting change and stop hiding behind WE/THEY. Because if WE won't do it who will? DO YOU think THEY are coming to save us? WE just don't know?!

Leadership Questions of the Week for YOU:

• Are YOU feeling caught up in the WE/THEY generalities*?
• What are YOUR thoughts around when it is appropriate to use it versus when more courage and specificity is needed? Or is it?
• Do YOU feel it is happening more and more often especially as all of us are working virtually?
• What are YOUR go-to ways to disarm or turn the tide in a conversation as the WE/THEYs are thrown around?
• Have YOU used any of the ones I listed above? Which one is YOUR favorite?

Thanks for reading….and remember…YOU make a difference!

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* I just wanted to note that this article in not about gender or gender neutral pronouns and how we refer to ourselves which we should all be respectful of