Am I pushing myself to build resilience or being unkind to myself?

“You have to go.”

“Why do I have to go?”

“Because you said you were going to go, so go.”

This is me and my partner, Scott… back and forth about whether he was going to the gym or not on a particular day. Now I know what you’re thinking, I’m being a bit controlling. And if you’re familiar with my writing, I quite openly say it – yes I am quite controlling (working on it!). However, there is also a side of me that thinks (because it’s me thinking it, not Scott) – that I’m doing it for his own good.

Eugh, what does that even mean? For his own good.

What I mean is my desire to support him to build his resilience by being OK with discomfort. I want him to just do something that’s good for him over the longer term, aligning to his personal mission of going to the gym as much as possible to be a healthier version of himself, even though he might be a bit tired or his legs hurt that particular day…

“Power through! Go anyway, take it easy, but still go!”

“No, I don't want to.”

Is my focus on resilience too much?

Why am I so triggered with Scott not embracing a bit of discomfort? Some of you might read this and see a perspective that maybe I always want to be right, or I need to let him take responsibility for himself; and on the latter, I’d absolutely agree with you! ?

I love my partner dearly, but he would agree that I am definitely the one who is pushing myself into discomfort to have that willpower thing we all talk about.

Why does it bother me so much that I can power through discomfort, and Scott chooses to take it easy. I know that I’m that woman who will get up and just go swimming,tired, hungover, a lot to do – I just do it, because I know it’s good for my mindset. Consistency supports me to maintain my overall resilience.

Prioritising my mindset is one of the most important things in my life. Being an entrepreneur and dealing with a lot of uncertainty? - maintaining my mindset and prioritising my wellbeing is something I can control and it is my medicine and fuel to power through uncertainty. It helps me to be courageous, which helps me to get inside the uncomfortable zone.

So I choose to power through discomfort, and Scott chooses to take it easy – or as another part of me might say, be kind to himself. We have very different character traits. I’m the high energy, go-getting, extrovert who gets a kick out of meeting new people and building relationships (Scott would also add in here – I’m ‘loud’). And, Scott is a quiet, gentle introverted soul who loves his alone time as well as spending quality time with a few select friends and colleagues. So the thing that binds us truly – is kindness. To each other, to others and as much as possible, to ourselves.

I’ve been sitting on writing this article for a few months, because I have been reflecting on my own thoughts and beliefs about this topic of unkindness versus resilience.

Is Scott too easy on himself?

Am I too hard on him?

Am I too hard on myself?

Does Scott have willpower?!

Do I have willpower?

Or am I just obsessed with pushing myself and not in fact focused on my resilience?

This got me thinking about an important question. What is the fine line between pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to build resilience versus being unkind to yourself?

The irony or maybe perfect timing of this as I write, is that I have been poorly the last week. So I’ve been personally reflecting on that question of resilience versus kindness because I know I need to work, but do I need to work to prove a point to myself, or because there's a deadline or need to fulfill? The world isn’t going to stop if I stop working, but it does impact my ability to be present for my clients, meet people and expand my opportunities. So it does have an impact on my mindset and how I view the progress of myself and my business if I just stop working for days on end. That would cultivate anxiety. That’s not good for me or for Scott.

So, what is the line of resilience that spills over into unkindness?

I've concluded in my long and deep reflection that it must have something to do with personal growth.

?

Let’s take building resilience first.

If you’re pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, this involves challenging yourself to do something you don’t usually do – it’s unfamiliar and it’s being processed as a threat to your brain. You know if you’re engaging in those activities or situations, it’s going to make you feel uncomfortable.

In this context, pushing yourself and taking a risk within uncertainty is about pursuing personal or professional objectives that require you to stretch beyond your current abilities or habits.

Habits is a key part to all this. If I consistently give in to a bit of discomfort – I’m not going to take up the next challenge that comes my way or keep going in something to create the change I desire. But if I’m embracing challenges and the feeling of discomfort; this will lead me on a journey of self-improvement, increased resilience, and some of the helpful neural programming we might refer to as willpower. Willpower to me is having the courage to just do it, even if you don’t want to, or hesitate, you do it. The notion of powering through works for me to action and move forward. You might see it and feel it differently.

Now, let’s look at being unkind to yourself.

On the other hand, being unkind to yourself involves self-criticism, negative self-talk, or engaging in behaviours that undermine your wellbeing, mindset, or self-worth. Undermine is the key word here. The outcome is being worse off, a deterioration; you’re going metaphorically backwards. This could include being hard on yourself for perceived failures, being self-destructive in your behaviour or holding yourself to unrealistic standards. So an essential question that comes up already for me is “Would I advise a friend or someone I loved to do it (the action, behaviour)?”

Now I’m sick, working every day, but stopping earlier than I usually would and taking more breaks with a lighter load – that feels like kindness. Stopping working altogether until I overcome my illness, or even the idea of going swimming right now (my new passionate hobby for physical and mental health) –Both of those things feel totally unkind to me. It's not putting me in a favourable, healthy place physically or in my mindset. Both ideas intuitively d_on’t feel good to me.

While pushing yourself outside your comfort zone can be uncomfortable, it's typically done with the intention of personal growth and development. So, me going to the pool when I’m sick, or taking extended time off to recover from my sickness (not knowing how long it might take to feel ‘normal’ whatever that is!) – I’m not achieving any development, learning or growth by doing either of those things. Don’t get me wrong – if you’re truly unwell and suffering – please, do not work, but I’m suffering from coronavirus like symptoms, nothing too bad, so I don’t feel I’m being unkind to myself by working and balancing my day out.

Being unkind to yourself is often harmful and can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and if it’s continual it can even lead to depression. There's a link to your inner critic and those unkind and unhelpful thoughts might pop up, "You should do this..." "You have to otherwise people will think..." "You're weak if you don't..." etc

I've had one unhelpful thought this week, "Am I doing enough?" And after a moment of looking at the reality of my situation - yeh, I'm doing plenty!

So what is it that makes key difference between pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to build resilience versus being unkind to yourself?

It lies in three places:

1.?????? Intention: the reason and driver to doing something

2.?????? Outcome: the impact of you doing something (on yourself or others)

3.?????? Mindset: the long term impact of your mind frame

Balancing these three things is tricky. It’s not easy to know if you’re pushing yourself outside your comfort zone is aimed at growth and development or doing it to prove a point to yourself, or to others or something else which could be self-sabotaging.

What feels like an important and healthy indicator is creating more self-awareness of how being unkind to yourself is detrimental to your mental and emotional wellbeing.

I’m going to put it out there – that sometimes it’s OK to prove a point to yourself. That’s about self-trust, knowing that you can commit to something and follow through. That also sings to values of integrity, reliability, and trust.

The notion that we push ourselves outside of our comfort zone to solely prove a point means we could lose an opportunity to understand why it’s important for us to prove this point. And that’s what intention boils down to.

Only you can connect to yourself to understand whether you’re being kind to yourself or just being hard on yourself; leading you to burn out or create an unhealthy relationship with yourself. Another helpful question coming up for me: Listen to yourself, are your thoughts helpful or unhelpful?

Sometimes being too kind to yourself means you are unable to build the resilience you need to face new challenges. I’m the biggest fan of self-kindness and compassion, but we must proactively check in with ourselves.

Is this about taking the easy road out of discomfort? Or is it about doing something that is not what you want to do AND it’s uncomfortable, but it adds another building block of resilience that will have your back the next time you face a challenge.

So, what happened in my back and forth with Scott about going to the gym? He didn’t go, but I still put my case forward for resilience … now he’s doing the 75 Day Challenge (a physical and mindset programme I suggested to him) on his terms working on his overall wellbeing, health, and powering through discomfort! He's building his resilience, his way - and I respect him for that :).

?

?

IS IT TIME TO FOCUS ON YOUR RESILIENCE?

If you’re ready to prioritise yourself and achieve your desired objectives faster – this is a great time to come and have a no-obligation chat with me to explore a coaching journey.

Book your discovery call here: https://calendly.com/mehibethe-c-coach/chemistry-call-with-mehibe?preview_source=et_card&month=2024-04