Am I lovable?

I had a date recently.

A treat. A somewhat rare occasion that I’m asked out, so I was excited. We had emailed on Match.com for a couple of weeks, every day, until I gave him my phone number. Then for the past two weeks, we had talked on the phone about 8-10 times for about two hours each time. He was a bit witty, kind, a great listener, and as he put it “trainable.”

Let’s be honest, I wasn’t really sure if the physical attraction was there. In some of his online pictures, he was cute. In other ones, it just wasn’t there for me. There’s more to a relationship than the physical element, and I knew there was potential, so I was giving it a chance to see what happens. Obviously what I have or have not been doing so far hasn’t been working, so I need to try something different.

He is introverted, so it took a few conversations for him to open up and really share about himself. Once he did, I finally started feeling like I was getting to know him a little…maybe there was a connection happening?!

We decided it was time to meet, so he’d drive up from Houston (to Dallas) on Saturday, we’d go to lunch, Top Golf, and dinner…so we’d be together all day. It’s going to be great!

This seems to be the true test when you’re doing online dating…the meeting. Things can go well through email and on the phone, and then when you meet in person, it can fall flat. It’s happened more than once for me.

I was keeping an open mind about this day…open to the possibilities, open to what was going to happen, open to having lots of fun!

We met and initially I thought maybe he was nervous. As my sister says, “Not everyone is as spunky as you, Jessica.” As the day went on, the conversation was forced…it didn’t flow. And at the end of the day, I want to be with someone where the conversation is easy. There was no chemistry or connection, and I left feeling let down.

It’s human nature to want love…to want to be loved and want to give away your love. So when I thought it might possibly happen this time and it didn’t, I was disappointed. SHARE THIS!

Then on my drive home, my mind started to wonder and the questions came…why did I get my hopes up? What’s the point? Why is it so hard for me to find love? Why have I never been married? What’s wrong with me? I’m lovable. Am I lovable? Why am I not lovable? I’m worthy of love. I’m worthy of love?! Am I worthy of love? Why do I get my hopes up and then get let down? Why are so many others finding love and not me? What’s wrong with me? Why can I not find an amazing man for me? Why can I not find an amazing man to love me? I deserve love. I know I deserve love, so why can’t I find it?

As the questions came, so did the tears. I felt the sadness, disappointment, frustration, and hurt all in one moment. Then as if my mind came to the conclusion all at once…I can barely see through my tears to drive and you are worthy of love, the tears dried up and my thoughts changed. I know I’ll find love. I just don’t know when.

Yet, this love thing somehow also messes with my self-esteem and self-worth. It makes me question who I am and my worthiness. As though if I’m not loved by a man, I’m not worthy. As though if I’m not loved by a man, I’m not deserving. As though if I don’t find the one, I’m less than, not good enough, or not “perfect” enough to have love. It’s as though in a brief moment, I wrap everything I am and everything I hope to be all up in having a significant other who truly loves me…and if I don’t have this person, then I don’t matter. As though this defines me…and as though this is all that matters in life.

And it doesn’t and it’s not, but for that brief moment, I think it does. As quickly as that moment came, it leaves, and I come back to reality. I know things don’t happen on my time table. Things don’t happen because or when I want them to happen. They happen exactly how and when they are supposed to. It didn’t work out with this guy, because there is someone so much better out there for me. Maybe I need to do, achieve, or learn a few more things before I meet the man for me. Maybe he does too.

This unlovable or unworthiness of love isn’t just about finding a significant other. You may feel in pertaining to your parents, spouse, kids, employer, family, or friends. It’s a feeling I believe we have all felt at one time or another. Maybe it was in feeling not good enough, not feeling loved when you gave love away, not being accepted or like you belong, being abuse, not getting promoted, going through a divorce or child custody, or being rejected. How have you felt unlovable?

My not being able to wrap my brain around this love thing…never being in love…never feeling loved…never being loved can be a challenge. At times, it’s painful. At times, it hurts.

I have two options: Go through the pain in the short term (possibly feeling let down, disappointed, frustrated, rejected) to get the incredible reward. Or go through the pain for the long run (never being love/feeling love, being alone) and never get the incredible reward.

It’s a choice. I choose going through the pain in the short term for the incredible reward. It’ll soooooo be worth it. I’m not giving up on it…on love, on the amazing guy, or on myself. I’ll bet on me every time.

I know that he’ll come into my life exactly when he’s supposed to. I know I’m on this path for a reason (I know this, because it’s not a path I would’ve ever chosen for myself). I love my life. Having a guy doesn’t define me. I am loved by so many…my son, family, friends, clients, and audiences. I don’t need a man…but yes, I would like one, but not just any one…only the “right” one and when he is ready for me too.

In the mean time, I will keep putting myself out there. I will keep going there, because I refuse to give up. I refuse to allow it to get the best of me. After all, I know I am worthy of love. I know I deserve love…JUST.BE.PATIENT (not always my strength). And it will happen. Be open to the possibilities. Be open to the opportunities. Just say, “Yes,” because you never know when a moment could be “the moment.”

What can I learn from another “one and done” date? How can I love myself more? How can I treat myself better? Because with or without a guy, the most important person who can love me is myself. I’m going to keep loving me, doing things I enjoy, and feeling great each day. Having a guy doesn’t define me, not will it ever. I’ll keep being me. When it’s meant to happen, he’ll come into my life, because I deserve great love. I’m worthy of great love, and because I am lovable.

I’d love to hear from you. Share with me how you’ve felt unlovable. Maybe you had a fight with someone, felt rejected (could be on a date, a job interview, or by a client), or something from when you were a child. No judgment there, because we’re all in this together.

Jessica Rector’s mission is simple: transform lives. As someone who attempted suicide at 17-years-old, had a lot of self-judgement around being a single mom, and has a brother who committed suicide, Jessica and shame used to be BFFs. She knows personally how shame can manifest in parenting, relationships, leading, working, and living. Through her own experiences, she now helps others walk through the process to free themselves from their inner struggles. As a thought leader, keynote speaker, and author of two books, Jessica is able to help people create massive change to Lead Courageously, Love Authentically, and Live Boldly! Get Jessica’s soon to be released third book, Breaking the Silence: Taking the Sh out of Shame and find out more about her at JessicaRector.com.Follow her at Facebook.com/JessicaRectorSpeaker.