Am I having a mid-life crisis?
?? Disco Dave ?? Wynn
I Remix People Through The Artistry of Deep Coaching & The Power Of Music | Coach | Trusted Advisor | Mentor | Podcast Host | DJ | Smiler
I was speaking with a friend about the challenges he's currently facing.?
For anonymity, I'll call him John.?
As a 40 something, a business owner and parent with a lot of responsibilities, who solves problems for a living and whose identity, particularly professionally, is wrapped up in that, admitting he's currently got a problem he can't solve is a big deal for John.
I really appreciate him for being so open with me.
The problem John is facing is common in my experience.?
Typically of a high performer.
After creating a lot of success and making personal sacrifices to create the success, John is now at a crossroads.?
He's asking himself big questions like:
Do I continue to make personal sacrifices to grow this business or look to do something else??
What's really important to me?
What do I really want?
Is this business going to allow me to create what I want?
After creating all the success I was aiming for, what's next?
Who am I on the other side of success?
He feels like he SHOULD be able to figure this stuff out on his own, but he's finding it really difficult.?
Why is this??
I have some ideas, but THIS IS NOT ADVICE!?
I'm not attached to being right or wrong or whether John or anyone reads this.
I'm writing this for John to provoke his thinking and let him know he is supported.?
I invite you to read from a place of insight, not agreement or disagreement.?
Love you man!
THE RESPONSIBILITY PARADOX
As we get older, we tend to accumulate more and more responsibilities.
Think back to your late teens and early 20s.?
You had an abundance of time for your friends and peers and they had plenty of time for you.?
We had a great time living life relatively free from responsibility beyond whether we turned up to Uni, did the work and the bar jobs we did for fun money.
If anything, there were often times when we were actively irresponsible, pushing and testing our boundaries, in the name of a good time!
If you had a problem, there were (hopefully) plenty of people you could turn to for guidance and support.?
At that time, the scale of the problems and challenges you faced may have seemed big at the time, but looking back now, compared with the kinds of challenges you now face, they don't appear to be as significant.?
As you got older, you accumulated more and more responsibilities.?
As did your friends and peers.?
Not only that, the size & difficulty of the challenges you face grew too.?
Over time, the time you had to spend got more and more diluted.
Time for yourself, time for others, especially friends and at times family too.
The friends you used to spend most of your time with are just as "busy" as you are.?
While your ability to deal with and overcome bigger and bigger challenges increased,?the paradox?is you have less support around you at the time where you could benefit from it and likely need it the most.
You may feel like you SHOULD be able to deal with your own problems yourself and judge yourself for not finding the answers, leading you to question and potentially doubt yourself.
You may feel like you don't want to burden others with your problems because you believe they're just as busy as you are and have their own problems.?
You may also feel isolated at times and weighed down by your responsibilities.
You are NOT alone!
A midlife or identity crisis happens when you feel something fundamentally needs to shift, a hole needs to be filled, but too often people look outside of themselves to make the shift.
The shift needs to come from within.
THE 3 THINGS I NEED
I hate being told what to do.?
I value freedom and adventure.
I think you probably feel the same, well, I know you do, it's why you run a business!?
领英推荐
However, when it comes to answer some of life big questions, creative thinking is where it's at!
To create new possibilities I've not considered that contribute to me feeling awesome, impactful, being the best version of me, being happy and figuring out what gets in the way, I know this is work I can't fully do on my own.
We all have blind spots.
My brain will work against me, to shield me from truths about myself that I'd rather not know or involve a high degree of energy and attention to shift.
To protect me.
After all the brain is self-preserving.
Through countless powerful, meaningful conversations with many clients and coaches, deep self enquiry and gentle reflection, I came to the realisation I need 3 things to support me.?
1. Space
I need time and space that's solely for me. Space to BE me, to be present, without expectation, labels, titles or limitations. Space for gentle reflection & self DISCOvery, which is really thinking without effort. Space to allow creativity to emerge, to find answers to complex problems and to be able to hear the whispers of my inner voice, my intuition. Space away from doing what I do. Space that friends likely wouldn't be able to provide on a regular basis because they are taking care of their responsibilities. Although you know they'll be there for you if you were in trouble, really needed help and asked for help.
For me, coaching, running, walking, meditation and music provide me that space. It's why I love coaching, being coached and the combination with music. Coaching is the space to be and music is a vehicle to being.?
Being me/you.
2. Skill
There are two parts to this.?
There are the skills (or tools) I've developed within myself, particularly to get me out of slumps in energy, stuckness/procrastination and unsupportive thinking. Skills of self-awareness (mind and breath), deep listening, reframing, meditation and so on.
What really enables me to accelerate my growth is having someone?with?the skill to ask me powerful questions, to provoke my thinking, to notice the things I can't see myself, the things (or thoughts) that limit me and hold me back from expanding into my potential, to dig them out and deal with the forever. The skill of NOT being an expert in what I do, to bring diverse thinking to the conversation. The skill to help me think differently in order to create new possibilities I couldn't previously imagine. The skill and care to stretch and challenge me, not please me or buy into my stories. The skill of connection through presence, deep listening and reflection.
Unless your friends have invested in learning and practising these skills for themselves, the likelihood is the best they can do is offer you advice. While advise can be helpful, most of the time we aren't ready to hear it and when we are, we don't need it.
3. Trust
I brake down trust into Inward & Outward Trust.
Inward Trust
The trust we place in ourselves. Trusting ourselves to take responsibility, to make decisions, to commit and re-commit every day to being consistent who we want to be and take action from that state of being, knowing there are no right or wrong decisions, just valuable or costly decisions, that ultimately end up in value overtime because of the lessons learned.?
Outward Trust
Trust the process was a mantra during my coach training. Trusting that you will reach the destination if you keep taking steps towards it. What I find most valuable in the context of trust is the trust we can place in others. Particularly people that provide us such a safe space, free of judgement, where we can implicitly trust that they have our best interests at heart, they love us unconditionally, see our brilliance and believe in us, even when we lack that belief and allow us to be so vulnerable and courageous in sharing our biggest fears, darkest secrets and deepest desires. Things we've likely never said out loud or to another human being. That's what I value the most. That is sacred levels of trust and faith. Without it, transformation is not possible. And in the game of identity, transforming into BEING who we desire to be IS the game.
RESOURCES?
Like Neo in the movie The Matrix, when you are beginning to ask yourself big questions and seeking answers relating to the nature of your reality, your purpose, your values, your desires and what's in your way, it's safer to do this on your own initially. As you build trust and courage to step into being an expanded, awesome, authentic version of you.?
I thought back to what really helped me when I started my own inward, transformational adventure, before I was ready to have the kind of deep, powerful, transformative conversations that shifted so much for me.
There are countless incredible resources out there. Here are some of the best resources I've experienced:
BOOK SUMMARIES & VIDEOS
PODCASTS
BOOKS (Particularly Audiobooks through Audible)
MUSIC
There is SO much untapped wisdom present in music. Stop being passive when it comes to music. I would invite you to start listening, intentionally, to your favourite music, hear the lyrics and messages held within and consider:
How could this serve me right now?
What do I need to hear today?
I've poured a lot of love into this. I hope it serves you.
You are loved.
You are connected.
You are supported.
With love,
Disco Dave x