Or, Am I Finally At The Right Place?

Counting down 26 days, the 2nd time is definitely a charm.

I had this urge of doing a grand purge about myself. If I am approaching my last days, I might as well make sure I speak for myself.

Quick fact #1 about me, at age 16, in one of our writing classes, the teacher asked us to write our own epitaph. It was an exercise to expand on one piece of classic Chinese literature we studied that week. I handed in a blank page. The teacher asked me to re-do the work and I refused.

“I can finally have a rest from being summarized. I am not going to drop the last blow on myself when I am in the ground.”

I considered myself quite mature and far-sighted on this one.

How busy we are living into summaries.

So busy, we forgot there is an entire enormous world out there, magnificent, majestic and magical beyond words.

I probably got a C. Never got anything under A in a writing class. Don’t remember. I didn’t care. My opinion of myself was definitely an A++.

And if I get something to say, I am not going to wait till the day being called by the maker.

Here are a couple of things sitting on my mind for days or years. I used to shush them because they seemed inappropriate or not worth so much telling but hey, who is defining the worth here?

Purge #1

I am really tired of playing niceties, just to be civil. I am practicing saying what I have in mind politely without taking care too much whether the other person is ready for directness.

Not being mean but simply being real.

And for those who considered me too straight forward already, oh, you underestimate me like most people. You have no idea.

I am tired of your game of playing ignorant as humor, prying as care, gossipy as well-informed, fear as maturity.?

I am going to call them out and make you look into the eyes of ignorant, inappropriate inquiries, needs to gossip and fear. Oh, you know what, I may just tell you to F off. Why waste my time?

Not being rude but simply being real.

Purge #2

Usually, when friends, acquaintances or people (?) hear that I am in a romantic relationship, they nicely go out of their way telling me that that man is so lucky.

Sometimes, I doubt that anyone is that lucky.

Oh, I am a rare find. I know. Never doubt it.

I am always sincere and serious. I do not have time for insincerity and messing around. Life is precious and I am dead serious about anything I put in my life. Even when having fun, I am seriously having fun!

As much light I can bring in someone’s life, like each rose has its thorns and each sweetness may get people diabetes, there is always the dark side.

Hence, I bring hell as well. A hell with too much light so everything shall come to sight. When I let another poke around my soft spots (no pun intended), I poke around their vulnerabilities as well.

So, I guess, to love me in some sense is to enjoy hell. Trust me, I know at times it’s very unpleasant and agonising, speaking from being the very first person who learned to love me.

This is the kind of life I embrace. So, if you are afraid of a bit heat and drought, maybe, don’t fly so close to the light.

Purge #3

English is my third language. Mandarin (Chinese) is my mother tongue.?

But I am done feeling inadequate or sorry when I need to say “no” to translating whatever my stuff into Chinese for your convenience. (And, you will not even see this because you don’t understand what I am writing.)

I made a pack or vow or commitment to myself. Anything or anyone needs me to translate English to Chinese, no matter how tempting or good that is, doesn’t belong in my life.

This is not an English superior thing. Trust me, I asked myself seriously and hard on this one. It’s simply that I don’t connect at all with Mandarin.

I can speak, write, listen, read fantastically in Mandarin alright but I always feel I am watching another person in action. I feel left out in my own life.

I haven’t been having thoughts or dreams in Mandarin for more than 2 decades. I don’t plan to beat the language out of me right now.?

Sure, my English is just ok. I may not write a literary mater piece in this language but I feel my heart every time I use it. I connect.

It’s just some weird way of life. I learned to connect with myself and with the outer world in English and since then, there is no going back.

I love admiring the beauty of Mandarin while reading someone’s work. But hey, that I admire Monet and Van Gogh doesn’t mean that I need to become them to prove my sentiment.

Next time, when you ask me, “Do you have it in Chinese?” or “Could you put it in Chinese?”, I am going to gently practice saying “No” without a tint of apology. Thank you.

Purge #4

I found myself negotiating with my soul and got all “relationship skeptical” recently.

Sometimes, I wondered whether it told me the things I wanted to hear so I would do its bidding instead of telling me the hard truth.

Truth can be hard but if I need to swallow a bitter pill, I prefer doing it quickly and sooner than later.

Oh, well, unfortunately and fortunately, that’s not how life rolls. It doesn’t play in my timeline and most of the time it was me who doesn’t trust the truth.

Trust the truth.

Something I’ve been pondering on.?

It’s damn difficult to see the truth as what it is when it doesn’t look like at all what I expect it to look like.

Getting rhetorical?

Crazy place, happy face.

Welcome to the right place, I guess?!

P.S.

I guess I like to write about how we should live crazier, if you are interested, read this Be A Fool, Full Of Craziness

P.P.S.

I am really curious about knowing whether this piece resonates with anyone or how. Please, if it tickles you some way, I would LOVE to know.

Or, here are what you could do for yourself,

?? Take some quiet time for yourself and write down your own reflection. Purge! It does you good mentally, physically and emotionally!! Nothing like today is a perfect day to purge.

?? Comment to share. You never know who will impact when you speak your truth. This is the love you could give.

?? Connect or DM. If you are shy but want to explore further with someone, I am here to hear you.?

?? Share. Sharing makes human community beautiful.

?? Commit. Jump on a call with me to discover what’s possible. (Schedule here)

With so much love from me to you.