Am I ... Was I ... An Alcoholic?

Alcoholic.

It's a term some people embrace. Others can't stand it.

I'm not sure what I think of it.

I spent 15 years trying to convince those around me that I didn't have a drinking problem.

Now I've spent 4 1/2 years trying to convince those around me that I did.

So ... am I an alcoholic?

Here's my take.

The One Person Who Noticed I Drank Too Much

The last thing I wanted during my drinking days was for people to believe I had "a problem," so I attributed my drinking to a desire to have fun and connect with others.

I can only think of one person from my past who brought up my drinking as an issue.

One person.

She was a college friend and roommate, so she spent a lot of time with me when I was 18, 19, and 20.

I was a hot mess when I was 18, 19, and 20.

I had a lot of suppressed anger, and this friend saw me get really angry when I drank. It never took long for me to go after someone -- a friend, a boyfriend, a random person at a party.

When she joined me for my bachelorette party a few years after we graduated, she noticed I still drank a lot, and she brought it to my attention.

I most certainly did not like that she brought it to my attention.

It made me uncomfortable, mostly because I knew she was right. I also didn't want to be judged.

Her concern didn't stop my drinking.

In fact, I didn't quit for another 10 years. Another decade.

Downplaying the Demon

I did my very best to downplay my drinking.

I would casually mention to a friend that we "could get a drink" when I was dying to get a drink.

I would get really excited when someone else was the first to offer wine or a beer at a get together before I had to bring it up.

I would get really, really excited if there was another person at a get together who drank just as much -- if not more -- than I did because the spotlight wouldn't be on me.

Does that mean I was an "alcoholic?"

I don't know. I don't know that it matters.

I was really good at appearing to have control whenever I drank. I rarely got stereotypically drunk -- slurring words, stumbling, passing out.

What changed with me were the choices I made. The conversation topics I chose. The boldness I had.

When I drank, I acted like I was invincible, as though I didn't care what anyone thought. My ego was amplified. I wanted attention from anyone and everyone, even if that meant betraying a trust or putting someone down.

I remember one time I was out at a comedy show with my family and a family friend. The family friend was enjoying the show, laughing loudly with every joke. A group of young girls were making fun of him under their breath, telling him over and over again to shut up. The behavior hurt his feelings.

I was drinking wine.

When they got up to go to the bathroom, I followed, and aggressively told them they needed to give him a break.

Our friend was genuinely moved because I stuck up for him.

I was ashamed because I knew there was no way I could have confronted those girls had I been sober.

"Alcoholic" Defined

The term 'alcoholic' is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as a "continued excessive or compulsive use of alcoholic drinks," or as "a chronic, a progressive, potentially fatal disorder marked by excessive and usually compulsive drinking of alcohol leading to psychological and physical dependence or addiction."

I'd wager many of us fall under, or know someone who falls under, definition No. 1. In fact, definition No. 1 is perfectly acceptable in our American culture.

Did you notice, though, that Definition No. 1 isn't much different from Definition No. 2?

Both include "excessive and usually compulsive drinking" ... the latter just includes psychological and physical dependence as a result.

Definition No. 1 can lead to Definition No. 2.

I can argue a pretty good case that I fell under Definition No. 2 when I chose to get sober. Did I wake up shaking, needing to have a drink? No. But my anxiety levels were piqued in the morning, I craved alcohol throughout the day, and I had definite withdrawal symptoms after I quit.

Did that make me an "alcoholic?"

Again, I don't know, and, again, I don't know that it matters.

When I posed the question earlier, I did so in the context of downplaying my symptoms while in the throes of drinking. After I chose to get sober, however, I found myself playing up my symptoms in an effort to convince people that I did have a problem with drinking.

Why, do you ask?

Because people tried to get me to drink again.

Because people would look at me like I had five heads when I'd tell them I wasn't drinking at a party.

Because people would know I'd just quit drinking, yet go on with their plans to serve wine, beer, and mixed drinks at a small house party without asking if it made me uncomfortable.

Because bartenders at work functions made me pay for non-alcoholic mixed drinks since it wasn't included in the bar package.

In short: my "little issue with drinking" wasn't treated like a real issue because it hadn't looked like a real issue on the outside.

So I had to emphasize the issue to have my "problem" treated with respect.

Am I ... Was I ... An Alcoholic?

I don't believe we are "born alcoholics," stamped with a genetic code when we come out of the womb.

I do believe that a combination of nature and nurture leads some of us to develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

The choice to label ourselves "an alcoholic" is a personal choice.

Some believe it's a way to clearly communicate a boundary. Others don't want anything to do with the term.

The further I get from my drinking, the less connected I feel with the label. I see myself as having had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Period.

Whether or not that makes me an alcoholic, to me, is irrelevant.

All that matters to me is that I came to recognize I couldn't continue with the behavior, which drove me to stop.

Whether or not you have a clearly-defined alcohol addiction is irrelevant.

All that matters is that you come to recognize you can't continue with the behavior, driving you to stop.

About First and Sober

First and Sober is about living life with presence. For some, that means first getting free from the hold alcohol has on their lives. For all, it means getting real about living each day wide awake and on purpose. If you believe you have a problem with alcohol you can't overcome on your own,?please reach out for help.