Alone Together

Joeanna Sayler, BTUA Alumnus, New York City | May 28, 2020

https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/joeanna-sayler-88575535/

Note from Bonnie: The following is a note that Joeanna sent me about her experience during the pandemic and I was very moved. I asked her if I could publish her letter as a way to show others that they are not alone in their experience. She said yes. I have included relevant links for clarification. Here’s the webinar series info Joeanna references: https://bit.ly/2SIUrYU

Thank you for the informative and comforting Speed Mentoring sessions you and Vickie (Sokol Evans) have been posting. They have helped me remember I am a part of a wonderful EA community comprised of extraordinary individuals.

Personally, the first many weeks of the shutdown were in some ways a godsend. Since arriving back in NYC in October 2014 I had been going nonstop. If there wasn’t a work emergency, there was a family emergency. I was afraid to step away from work for more than a day or two for a longer vacation, fearful that the exploding inbox wouldn’t be worth the time off, afraid to ‘throw money away’ on a frivolous trip, etc. (My managers support and encourage taking time off so this was my own bugaboo.)

I just kept pushing forward, past the grief of my mom’s death, past my body telling me it was tired. “Let me just go to the gym and get my endorphins up”, I’d tell myself as I pushed my body out of bed way before dawn to workout before rushing off to the office. Then traveling to New Jersey to visit my family about once a month, being mindful to divide up the time equally between my sister, dad, mom & stepdad, often feeling like I was letting them down or short changing someone each time. Their assurances that I was doing enough, more than enough, could never quite pierce the emotional armor I’d been constructing around myself for years.

Push, push, push.

Go, go, go.

Then in early March the music stopped. 

For everyone. 

I was issued a work laptop and sent home, return date unknown.

I was terrified. 

Who am I without my regimented schedule?

How will I keep my body in shape at home all day with the gyms closed?

My apartment has always just been a pitstop, how will I spend all day, every day there by myself?

Why are you only thinking about yourself, people are literally dying out there! Get over yourself!

Outside my window ambulances whirled their moaning sirens at what felt like regular intervals all day long, another life put in peril by this invisible demon. My morning ‘sanity walk’ (always masked and properly distanced) felt like bad dreams. The city I love became unrecognizable overnight. No people. No cars. Brown paper on shop windows, gates down, handwritten notes taped to doors, scribbled in great haste; Closed indefinitely. Stay safe….

And now here we are in the middle of May. Looking back it’s been a real mixed bag. I made a lot of bad decisions around food (not eating all day and then having ice cream for dinner, didn’t touch a vegetable for the entire month of April!), good decisions around sleep (stayed in bed until at least 7am everyday) and very slowly allowed myself to adjust to the suspended animation of lockdown. 

Very slowly. 

There was a lot of laying on the floor after a Zoom Pilates class and wallowing in thoughts about how miserable I was throughout March and into April…

I (we) have a past. I (we) have a future. The now is just a weird tunnel between the two we are all currently in through no fault of our own. 

Remarkably and out of nowhere it feels like I've finally turned a corner and am now starting to feel hopeful and determined to come out stronger from this period.

I really look forward to your mentoring sessions and watch the replays, too. I will be attending your four-part upcoming series and appreciate the modest price point. It seems likely my job is secure (at least for the near term) but saving for a rainy day is my jam. Quiet moments of reflection and self-inventory over these past two months have reflected back to me parts of myself that need attention. For example, there is a complacency around my professional growth that has come on so gradually I didn't even realize it was there until I heard your conversation with Libby Moore (former Chief of Staff to Oprah Winfrey.)

Libby Moore Webinar Replay: https://youtu.be/sh26I1BG1lg

More candidly, I did know it was there but didn't make the time and space to really look at it, smugly reassuring myself that the glowing performance reviews and annual bonuses were the only measures that mattered. That's awfully shallow and unsatisfying. 

I am grateful to have this time to rest, renew and learn from the wonderful EA community around me and come out stronger and smarter after this experience. I am reminded of the Bob Dylan line; He not busy being born is busy dying.

I choose to get busy being born.

I hope you are taking good care of yourself as you buoy so many of us in these choppy waters.

Be well.

Joeanna

Upcoming Webinar Series starts June 4th: https://bit.ly/2SIUrYU

PS Libby Moore will be back on June 18th.