To be or not to be... alone
Santosh Mathew
Executive Leadership | Customer Success | Strategy | M&A | Board of Directors
Hey Broken & Breaking readers,
It's not always easy navigating life. We are so connected, in so many ways, and yet the epidemic that is plaguing people more than ever, is loneliness. And what is more crazy than ever, a number of highly successful people that intentionally choose to be alone, because they have come to a different way of thinking which may be, I know what to expect when I am alone. And even more importantly, when you aren't alone, you have to realize, that you aren't the only thing that matters.
How do we start to unpack this? Today, our lives are constant bombardments of what someone has, and what you have not. Someone else is always able to make the time, the money, the trip of a lifetime, the body, while you, you can't seem to make it. In fact, so many people I know now, are at the point, that even in a relationship, they would rather break up and break away from long relationships than find a way through whatever they are going through.
So let's discuss to be or not to be alone. We are constantly bombarded with the concept of the 1%, the elite of the elite, and we see stars and celebrities and people in all walks of life that are successful and single. They seemingly have everything they need. They are popular, they are well-to-do, they are connected. They seem to have a focus that many of us desire, and you want to be around them as much as possible. They seem to have more time than others, but in reality the super successful have created whole lifestyles that dictate specific boundaries and time limits that are generally non-negotiable.
Then you have the rest of the 1% who are person(s) that have done it in committed relationships. They may or may not have started a family, have other shared responsibilities with another human (business partners, pet owners, parents, etc), or any other number of styles of relationships they have to constantly maintain. And while some of them also live like they are single, many of them have very specific limits to their commitments, because they already have many non-negotiable responsibilities that take up a specific amount of time. They have created very specific systems to allow them to manage the multiple responsibilities and commitments, and divvied up roles within their hierarchy.
And then we have the alternative, the 99%. Single or in a relationship, they aren't where they want to be. So if you aren't where you want to be , is it better to be alone or in a relationship? Answer, as always, it depends.
Sometimes you need to take a systematic approach to your life and this big "lonely vs non-lonely" state of mind.
3 Things to ponder in your alone time:
NOW WHAT? I feel so alone! PIVOT!
So now that we have laid out a number of things, let's talk about you, the reader. Whether you are in a committed relationship, have no desire for one, desire and yet aren't in one, or any possibility that I have not come up with, it is time to ask yourself a few questions.
Are you even lonely to begin with? It was briefly discussed that there are those that who are not in "committed" relationships with a significant other. This doesn't mean they may not be committed to co-workers, partners, or other, it's just that they have decided that they will get the pieces of each relationship via individual parts of many different people. It's almost like your shopping or social media, you may have a number of apps for different things.
And you have just as many people who are in committed relationships, that are so lonely. They feel like communication, goals, and other benefits of the relationship aren't being met.
And now the final question, is what does the opposite of being lonely even mean? Does it mean you are just busy all the time? Does it mean you are with others all the time? Does it mean you have to have that significant other?
I'm not sure that this quote is directly from Seneca, but the site I pulled it from does kind of sum up parts of the thought here.
“As long as we live, let us cherish each other. For, when we die, the opportunity of aiding one another is lost for all eternity.” — Seneca Struggling with loneliness?
Loneliness is a state of being. In the opinion of this writer, it is not defined by the levels of relationships you are or aren't in, but sometimes more defined by intentional decisions that you make with each relationship you have. You are finite. Not many have cheated death, and even when they did, they still came to their end at some point. So why not be intentional with your precious finite life? And rather than be in relationships for the fact that you don't like being alone, or everyone else is doing it (ala society, traditions, family, etc); Choose a different path. One that is sympathetic to your ego's need to be loved and also one that is willing to push your ego aside or blend it with another's to make beautiful togetherness.
Let me state here, that being alone, is not loneliness. Yes, there are shared traits of someone being alone, and being lonely, but there are many who choose the alone status to further their own development. Sometimes you really need moments away, so that you can actually listen to your own thoughts, figure out where you truly are at, and evolve into better versions of yourself.
Being in a relationship doesn't mean you will always feel part of something. You have to take concerted and intentional efforts to really find your partner(s) in their feelings and egoistic needs, and in doing so your desires to satisfy others, can provide ways to nourish yourself.
To be or not to be alone? I would say you need to be both, and when you are not alone on purpose, you need to be open and picky about who you spend that time with. Open enough to let many in, and picky enough to weed out those who don't provide you that reciprocal nourishment that beautiful relationships give to one another.
As always, love to hear your feedback & shares.