Alone in a crowded room?

How are we doing on the loneliness front? This year's Mental Health Awareness Week has been and gone. We have World Suicide prevention day in September and World Mental Health Day on the 10th October, I always like to take stock before, durning and after these days or weeks and wonder what has been the impact? What difference has it (or I) made??For many of us, working clinically, in training delivery, supporting colleagues or indeed living with mental health problems, as I’ve mentioned in a previous article, every day is world mental health day.

I sometimes feel that I distance myself in some ways from the subject of mental ill health and forget to apply the principles for maintaining good mental health to my own life; it [mental ill health] is something that happens to other people; whether it’s about self-care, feeling ‘unwell’ or perhaps running at 75%.??

?Regarding this, I’ve been pondering on the idea of loneliness and belonging. There are those, and I think I count myself in this group that never feel fully part of things. Yes, I have a loving wife and family; an amazing friend and business partner in Sandra Saint; and friends that I’m in regular contact with. I believe that I am respected in the work I do (both as a therapist and a mental health trainer) but when it comes to groups and fully embracing what belonging feels like I seem unable to feel part of that (or any) ‘tribe’. This happens in every group I join or try to join and in the end I drift away and I am left with a sense of dissatisfaction, emptiness and perhaps, loneliness. Is there, as could be expressed in the key principles of?Mindful Self-Compassion, a ‘common humanity’ in this experience? I hear this experience from many of my therapy clients? Could this be something that connects many of us in some way? Despite the size of the crowd that we are in, at times we feel separate, distant and alone?

?As part of my role within Golden Tree CIC I have recently delivered the brilliant Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST) for an amazing group of staff at SUEZ UK and we talked of the ‘contributiries’ to suicidal thoughts and behaviours before exploring the Pathway to Assisting Life (PAL) and loneliness and isolation featured in the discussion. The lack of connection or belonging that people feel they have with others and the communities in which they live contributes to the feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. Connection and communication is key with the ASIST programme and can be seen to have such a profound effect on people experiencing mental health crises.?

I was recently in Saltburn, a lovely little coastal town with amazing coastal views, quirky shops, a brilliant funicular and pier (complete with various knitted characters) and there was a sign on a bench that invited people to sit at it and be prepared to have a conversation with anyone else that sat and the bench. A brilliant and simple invitation that offered the opportunity for connection with others. I was reminded once again that the focus of Mental Health Awareness week was Loneliness and there has been some amazing work done in recognising the impact that loneliness has on the individual. Perhaps it has been more apparent due to the pandemic and the isolation that many people have experienced these past 2 years. It should also be acknowledged that loneliness isn’t just about being physically alone, many people live alone but do not feel alone or lonely. Some people live and work in crowded environments but with a sense of not belonging or being fully engaged with those around them.

However, that sense of not belonging, that lack of apparent connection eats away at the feelings of wellbeing. I wonder at times that we live in a world that means that we feel unable to be authentic, to acknowledge that we are frail, fallible beings prone to mistakes and poor judgment at times. This doesn’t make us ‘bad’ people, it just makes us human. There is a quote from the author Tim Kreider, “if we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known”. It may not be easy to say to someone how you feel about something particularly if we are feeling negative, angry or sad. There can be a fear as to how the other will respond, so we don’t say anything; we aren’t open to sharing the full range of emotions that we experience. Conversely, it may not be easy to hear that the person we are listening to is feeling negative, angry or sad! We aren’t open to being with the full range of emotions that the other person feels or experiences. Both parties ‘pull away’ from the conversation.?

At times, perhaps we need to do this for our own protection and safety and I‘m not sure what it would be like to be so open all of the time? But we do need spaces and the opportunity to be ourselves and when we do share who we are and what we are feeling, to do so in a space that is free from judgment whether that be at work, at home or with friends.?

Now some of what I have said in this post about my own experiences of feeling apart from others and groups may be a surprise to some people who know me or have met me. That my internal world seems somewhat at odds with the external world in which I live and exist in, but nonetheless it is so. I mask it well and I have become more at peace with it over the years.?

My own personal therapy and my engagement in Mindful Self-Compassion has allowed me to process my feelings and be kinder to myself and I function well and I notice each day the things I am grateful for. The big things, the things that really matter, that I am loved and cared about by some; that I have work and enjoy what I do; that I have a full belly and a roof over my head; that I continue to grow as a trainer, a therapist and most importantly a human being.?

Thank you for reading.