Alone in a crowded room

I was recently coaching a college student, let’s call him Cody, who lamented that he was feeling lonely and isolated.

Me: “What does that look like?”

Cody: “I’m a science major. None of my friends are science majors. When I go to the library, I see all these people in study groups and I’m just alone. I don’t have any friends in any of my classes and there's no one to study with. I'm feeling isolated and lonely.”

He felt alone in a crowded room, and we needed a plan. Without a plan, this would be left up to chance, and the situation would most likely persist.?

Project golden eagle

Me:?“What’s a badass bird of prey?”

Cody:?“Golden eagle!”

Me:?“Then let’s call this project Golden Eagle. It’s a little bit silly and a little bit kick-ass, but the visual is what’s important. Each time you go into the library, imagine that you’re a golden eagle flying above a field, looking for prey.

At first, all you're doing is observing, collecting data.

When you see a group that looks like it might have promise, it’s time to dive.”

Go first

You can’t rely on the groups to welcome you in. That’s tribal mentality 101. If you want to be part of the band, you have to go first. Be the one to introduce yourself. When you do it, be respectful that it's already a functioning unit.

Me: "How do you want to introduce yourself?"

Cody: “Hi, I’m Cody, I’m in your Bio class, would it be OK if I sat in with you?”

Simple. Perfect.

Embrace the suck

Reaching out into the unknown can be an anxiety-provoking procedure. This discomfort and fear of rejection are what keep us in a cycle of avoidance.

Me: "It's going to suck a bit to do this the first few times. Just know that going in. Steel yourself for the nervousness and chest tightness that will surely happen. What do you want to say to embrace this silently?"

Cody: "Good." (This reframes pain into opportunity. If you haven't seen the Jocko Willink video on 'good', it's worth the 2 minutes).

Aim to be a zero

Your behavior once you enter the group sets the tone for things going forward. In the beginning, aim to be a zero. This means starting out with the intent of having a neutral impact - observe and try to learn rather than seeking to impress.

Contribute to the group, but don’t try to be a superstar. Superstardom might come later, but that’s not the objective here - it’s successfully entering an established social structure.?

The result

After a week of this, Cody was in three study groups and has since become a TA in the class. He went from feeling isolated to feeling joy.?When I spoke with him yesterday, he said, “This is the most important thing I’ve done in college.”

This isn’t just for college students

Most of us will be in a similar situation, whether it’s at a party, work, or some other event where we feel left out. Lamenting will only solidify our role as a victim. We can’t control the final result of what happens when we reach out, but we can control having a plan, going first, embracing the suck, and aiming to be a zero.?