Alone in the Crowd: The Unseen Struggle of Modern Loneliness

Bono LeBon: Before Covid, I imagine that most people did not view loneliness as a grave public health threat. It was a state of mind or an unfortunate corollary of our modern lives, but not something on the scale of an international epidemic. But you started raising the alarms on this issue well before the pandemic. What circumstances led you to feel concerned about our state of disconnection, and as you have spoken a lot on this topic, the loss of social capital and waking up to the "sundering of modernity?"

Joe Whitcomb: I’ve had my own personal experience with loneliness, which made me more sensitive and attuned to the issue. Having lived through it as a kid, then also as an adult, made me acutely aware of how painful loneliness is and how much shame is often associated with it.

But it was when I started practicing trauma-informed relationship psychotherapy that I came to see just how common loneliness was, and it wasn’t something I had learned about in neuropsychological training. I wasn’t quite sure, when I encountered patients who are lonely, what I was supposed to do.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do, which is try to respond from a human perspective: just to listen to people. But in the back of my head was this nagging feeling that there’s this deeper challenge that people are encountering that’s impacting their health, wellbeing and happiness.

It was back in 2010, when for the first time and travelling around the country and now in Europe, that I realized this is far more than an issue that was affecting my life, or my clients’ lives. This was not just a national problem, but a international epidemic from Santa Monica, CA to Kyiv, Ukraine and everywhere within and between. And that’s what inspired me to dig into some of the data around it.

I was really shocked to discover just how powerful the health implications of loneliness are. I hadn’t realized that being socially disconnected was associated with a marked increase in depression and anxiety, as well as in heart disease, dementia and premature death. These things underscored the point that loneliness is a public health threat – and one that affects millions of people across America.

Bono LeBon: Loneliness, while pervasive, can be hard to articulate. Going back to those clinical and cultural encounters and the conversations you were having in Ukraine and around Europe and, how did you diagnose this collective condition? What sorts of feelings were individuals expressing?

Joe Whitcomb: It’s interesting you ask that, because very few of them use the term lonely. They would use other words to describe it. Many of them would say, I feel like I’m just invisible. They would say, if I disappear tomorrow, nobody would even notice, no one would even care. Many of them felt like nobody really knew them for who they were.

On college campuses a lot of Ukrainian and international students said, I’m surrounded by students, but nobody really knows me and I don’t feel like I can be myself. People didn’t feel like there were folks that they could truly be open, vulnerable and honest with or understand their pain and displacement.

So even though they didn’t use the word, they were describing exactly what loneliness feels like.

Bono LeBon: I had spoken with a friend when they mentioned feelings of shame and invisibility. Before this conversation, I scribbled a note that when I’ve been most lonely, I’ve felt culpable for my detachment. But they described loneliness as more of a cue, like hunger or thirst, that directs our attention to what we actually need. How do we take steps to emerge from the enclosure of ourselves and attempt to service that need?

Joe Whitcomb: Part of the reason we feel a sense of shame is because of societal norms and expectations, which have made us feel like we always have to be engaged and surrounded with other people, and that if we are not, then something is wrong with us. It’s the same feeling that makes people feel that if you’re lonely, you’re not likable or you’re not lovable.

That’s what I felt as a kid, when I was struggling with loneliness. I thought it was my fault. I thought that something must be wrong with me. I didn’t realize that many other kids were feeling the exact same way. It’s so hard to tell from the outside how someone else is doing, which is one of the reasons why I always encourage people to check in on their friends, to not assume that because a colleague or classmate looks great that everything is fine. If we first recognize that this is a universal feeling, that helps take some of the sting off of loneliness and some of the shame away from it.

The second [step] is to realize that loneliness is like hunger and thirst, that it’s a natural signal our body sends us when we’re lacking something we need for survival – in this case social connection.

Lastly, it’s important to recognize that it’s when loneliness persists for a long time that it starts to harm us, that it has negative effects on our mental and physical health. That’s why it’s important that we have tools to address it. That might be something as simple as reaching out to a friend to say hello or stopping by a family member’s house just to spend time together.

The more we talk openly about this, the more we tear down that wall of shame.

Bono LeBon: I’ve been thinking about where our conversations are taking place. We’re increasingly spending our time on platforms that are premised on connection and yet are driving us further apart. Between hate and violence and polarization, the stakes of speaking feel incredibly high right now. If open dialogue is central to healing the social fabric, how do we reclaim conversation as a way to actually know and hear and understand one another?

Joe Whitcomb: One of the things that has happened in recent years is that our capacity for dialogue has broken down. In some ways, we have forgotten how to talk to one another openly, honestly and respectfully.

That means not only that we can’t learn from each other, but that we become more siloed and isolated from one another. And that creates the fodder for anger, resentment and polarization.

It’s important to recognize that what we’re talking about is healthy dialogue. Sadly, what you see on social media all too often is not a healthy dialogue; it’s people talking past each other. It’s people trying to make a point in order to garner more attention, more likes.

In the realm of life, relationships hold an unmistakable significance. They are not mere transactions but rather the essence of our existence. C.S. Lewis, a profound thinker, aptly noted that true friendship is born from the realization that we are not alone in our journeys. When we stumble upon someone who shares our thoughts and understands our perspective, a remarkable connection is formed. This connection beckons us to engage, reach out, and share our lives with one another.

Contemplating the modern landscape, we find ourselves immersed in a mobile and fragmented world. Mobility may expand our horizons, but it also poses challenges to creating genuine connections. However, rather than succumbing to isolation, we must commit ourselves to cultivating authentic friendships. Just as the esteemed philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson wisely urged, it is essential to attend regularly to the abode of our friends, as the path untrodden becomes choked with weeds. In other words, we must consciously invest time and energy into tending to our friendships.

Throughout history, true friends have always proven to be invaluable gems. They stand alongside us, willingly sharing the weight of our burdens while adding brightness to our joys. From ancient times to the present, genuine friends continue to bring immeasurable solace. They create a safe haven where we can release our thoughts, dreams, and challenges, find understanding, and replenish our spirits.

Purposeful and intentional connection has always been the key. It is vital to actively seek out and foster relationships that resonate with our values and desires. By surrounding ourselves with supportive and uplifting individuals, we form a robust network of friends who inspire and encourage us to live our lives to the fullest.

In conclusion, relationships and friendships lie at the very core of human existence. They provide us with a profound sense of belonging, support, and understanding. In today's fast-paced and interconnected world, it is imperative that we prioritize nurturing these connections. Let us take to heart the wisdom of luminaries like C.S. Lewis and Ralph Waldo Emerson, embracing the transformative power of genuine friendships. By investing in the care and cultivation of these relationships, we embark on a journey toward heightened well-being and enduring fulfillment.