The Aloha Friday Newsletter

Happy and joyous Aloha Friday!

Have you all been watching the Olympics? I’ve watched some and it is always so much fun and inspiring to see people who are so passionate about what they do, do those things excellently.

The amount of dedication that Olympic athletes have to put into their work is staggering. And not just the hours spent training but the amount of pressure and stress put on these athletes to perform on the world stage, representing their country, at their best is amazing and a little overwhelming to think about. Truly, they have a mental fortitude that many of us are envious of.

And that dedication constantly forces those athletes to create boundaries, to say no to the things that do not serve their journey to achieve their goals, and to make difficult decisions.

And, while doing flips and running 100m in 40 seconds is something that most of us will never be able to achieve, the ability to set our boundaries so that we can follow and actualize our dreams is something we can definitely learn from.

And on that note…

Dear Aunty Dana Mahina...

…I’m working on building my boundaries but I still feel so overwhelmed and like I’m taking on too much. How can I give myself room to breathe?

If you’re working on your boundaries but your plate still feels like a platter, the most likely culprit is that you are still not saying no often enough.

Anyone who has participated in my Bloom women’s coaching knows that one of the most important skills I teach is saying no. It sounds so simple and so basic and yet it is the one that I see people struggle with the most. I even struggle with it sometimes.

We, often, don’t like to say no, even when we know we don’t want to do something, because we fear it will make us seem undependable, weak, ungrateful, or lazy. All of this is of course nonsense. Saying no is how we communicate those boundaries we have worked so hard to create.

But even more often, we say yes because we feel like no isn’t an option. How many times have you said yes immediately after being asked to do something; not even taking 30 seconds to consider? I’m talking about the everyday asks of “Hey, can you drive the kids to soccer practice?” or “Hey, can you get dinner started?” or “Hey, can you work an extra hour on Thursday?”

We so often answer “yes” to these little every day asks that before we know it, they’re all we’re doing. Not all yeses and not all no’s are created equal. If you say, no to something that seems like a huge time suck where you will receive zero joy that may feel like an easy thing to say no to. Versus the 5 little things that all seem easy and benign. You say yes to those and soon they are your whole day. And because all of our time is spent doing things that take up our time and energy, we have none left to spend on the things that energize and invigorate us. So then we neglect sleep or meals so that we can squeeze in that little time to do the things that fulfill us, and that usually just ends in frustration and, in some cases, resentment, at being the “go-to” person for everyone.

So, let me give you my little crash course on saying no, and let’s turn that platter into a manageable plate.

The No to Yes Ratio

You need to say one yes to every ten no’s.

Alright, take a deep breath. Quell that anxious voice in your head that’s currently screaming at you, “That’s too many no’s!” It’s not.

I remember when I first read an article ages ago suggesting this ratio, and as a single mom at the time, I had an absolute visceral reaction.

But, now, years later, I’ve realized that all my fears about saying no were unfounded. I realized over time that every successful leader, whether you are a leader in your company, family, or community does this.

Saying no is valuing your time. Leaders who have mastered saying no understand what is worth their time and what isn’t. They don’t leap at every opportunity or request simply because it is in front of them. They are selective and are sure the things they pursue are in alignment with their core values and goals. And by doing so, they don’t waste other people’s time, either. By saying no, they create a mutual respect of their time and others’.

When to Say No

Sometimes it can be difficult to discern when to say no as you start out on your journey. Here are the general guidelines to follow:

1. Say No When You Feel Like You Should Say Yes

Feeling like you should do something is a trap. It’s external forces trying to guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do. Instead of constantly berating yourself by saying “I should do this,” I challenge you to change the phrasing. Next time you find yourself thinking “I should…” I want you to stop and instead say, “This is not something that is a priority for me right now.”

1. It Does Not Align with Your Core Values

Your individual and leadership core values are your ultimate line in the sand. They are what guard your best interests which is why it is so important to rarely, if ever, compromise on them.

Let me give you a personal example of this. I worked for a company that I LOVED. Loved the mission and the vision, and I spent six years of my life helping to grow it and launching new products and services. It was thrilling and rewarding. After we sold that company to a parent company steeped in tradition and super-conservative views, I opted out of going to a critical meeting at their headquarters. It was NOT a popular decision by my peers on our executive team. At the time, we found a gracious way to excuse my absence. I really did have a family commitment that would have eaten me up alive had I missed it. The real reason I didn’t go, which ended up being the absolute right thing for me, was more around a mismatch in how we view and treat others in the workplace. I left that company within the year and went on to a culture and value system that fit mine like a glove. Of course, I left on the highest of notes. Don’t burn bridges, simply move out to move up.

The Power of No

No is your most powerful tool when it is backed by intent and certainty. As I mentioned, saying no is how you communicate to people your priorities, interests, and boundaries. But it only works if you truly mean no. If you allow yourself to be constantly persuaded to change your mind, your “no” loses its gravitas. It becomes hollow.

Don’t let that happen! Your boundaries, your time, and your energy are things that are worthy of your and others’ respect. When you say no, mean it!

As they (and I) say, practice makes permanent. So, let’s try saying our unalterable no out loud. It’s okay if those around you think you’re a little nuts. Live a little. Try it!?

Say the following:?

1. No? (with a soft and unsure voice like a question)?

2. No (with a more firm voice but still open-ended)

3. No. (Firmly. With a period at the end. That is the end of your sentence, no ifs, ands, or buts to follow.)?

3. No! (louder (no need to shout) but with absolute certainty. This is for when people push your boundaries after you’ve said no already.)?

Now, in case it isn’t obvious the first two no’s are just practice. Ideally, and situationally and relatively, you will only ever use versions three and four.

No is the best way to communicate to others how you value your time and others. Whoever said please was the magic word was mistaken.

No is the magic word.

Have a question you’d like me to answer in the next newsletter? DM me or leave your question in the comments!

Tools to Embrace Your Joy and Lead Your Life

Until Next Time,