Allowing Now to Be Enough

Ten years ago I woke up.

When I did, I was indifferent to what a blessing that was.

I treated the day as I treated most days, it was just another day. I went through the motions of getting up, eating, exercising, working, etc...

I preoccupied my mind with unnecessary noise. Much of the time between my two ears was spent dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Little time was left for the right now.

I took lots for granted that day: the food I was lucky enough to eat (cannot remember one bite I took), the clean water I drank, the warm shower I was able to enjoy (at least I hope I showered that day ), the friends & family who loved me, the opportunities that were in front of me...

My day was filled with an abundance of chances to celebrate the above - to bathe in gratitude for the emotional richness of my life.

But,

Because instead I had begun on a path of indifference, treating the day just like another day, I traveled through the day blind to all the blessings I had.

In my blindness I did not see how blessed I was.

That's how I traveled through most of my day until later in the afternoon. It was then I got word that my best friend had died.

Boy did that wake me up... Suddenly the indifference was gone; it was no longer a luxury that I could excuse.

In its' place was a tremendous amount of pain - my body convulsed with sobs.

My mind rewound years of friendship & fast forwarded through future shared dreams that would not be realized.

The first half of my day I was absent. I was physically there, but not really there. Death brought me to the present.

One of the great tragedies of life is that too many people wait until death knocks on their door to start living. And still, too many others hear the knock, but never open the door.

What is living?

It is so much more than going through the motions of the day. It's so much greater than the indifference I had existed through the first half of 11/30/2013.

As the grief & shock moved through me, I was fascinated to observe that my mind had quieted.

It no longer dwelled over the past or worried about the future. I was completely in the moment. Yes it was a moment filled with angst & grief, but it was a moment, as were the moments that followed, where I was more fully alive/awake than I had been earlier in the day.

In that moment I knew how much I loved.

In that moment I was aware of how blessed I had been.

In that moment I was extremely grateful for the people in my life.

Death had knocked on the door before. I thought I had answered, but somewhere along the way, I let the door slip shut. This time when it knocked I resolved to never let that door shut again.

Too much time had been lost to worrying.

Too much energy had been expended on comparing.

Too much emotion had gone into judging/blaming/finger pointing/ and complaining.

Too much love had been deprived by obsessing over perceived inadequacies.

So much stuff that I had made so important because those were the voices I would feed daily. Now, in the presence of death, they were completely silent.

It took the death of my friend to inspire me to live.

So what is living?

This past weekend I spent most of the day in my pajamas reading a book. It was a real page turner that completely drew me in.

I was grateful for the cooler morning that justified me wearing cozy clothes that rarely get used.

I over indulged in potato chips!

Despite my inner voices encouraging me to do otherwise, I went for a run and marveled at the resilience of my body.

After the run, I enjoyed some Thanksgiving leftovers and finished off the last of the small bowl of whipped cream I had made for myself as a treat.

I played with the cats. I talked with friends.

By all accounts the day was a very simple day - one of those days that if I chronicled it on social media it would barely get any likes, or comments due to the plain-ness/normalcy/boringness of it.

There was nothing that would jump out at most people and make them stop scrolling.

Despite it being a "non scroll stopper" of a day, for me, the day was incredible. Time was not sacrificed to indifference. I spent the day in each moment. I allowed myself to enjoy them. The present was not wasted on obsessing over the past or worrying about tomorrow.

For me, at this stage of my life, that is living - allowing yourself to be where your feet are; to be present and to experience your day to day moments with a clear mind and grateful heart.

To live is to allow your right now to be enough. To live is to wake up to how incredibly blessed you are and how emotionally enriched your life can be when you allow for it.