Allowed to "BE ME"

I am probably not alone in spending the majority of my life believing myself ordinary and unexceptional and as such with nothing of interest to say to people on how they may live their lives. Retrospectively I have always had this feeling of never really belonging in groups and a feeling of being the odd one out in most group situations. A good example would be on the odd occasion I would go to a soccer match with my friends. They would comfortably exhibit the herd behaviour seen as normal in that situation I would just feel silly and not understand the behaviour at all, finding it, for want of a better word, senseless. Thus I would end the experience feeling that there was something wrong with me in that I could not enjoy the bonding as the others so obviously were. In fact, I think the herd had the opposite effect on me and rather than provide a place to hide away or to be comfortable and avoid personal responsibilities, the experience actually made me feel more separate and I felt that all others could see I did not belong and were aware of my discomfort.

Rather than hide in the crowd I felt exposed and vulnerable in the crowd. I do now wander just how many of them were authentically in the moment and how many were being inauthentic and just playing their expected roles as football supporter things. Struggling just as I was at that time with the need to belong to something even if it means masking who we really are in our hearts for fear of rejection.

However, over time and more comfortable as my fake self I have learned how to adapt rather than become comfortable and can "fit in" with the required herd mentality when needed albeit begrudgingly at times, even more so in recent times. 

More recently, within the last decade or so, my attitude has changed from one of a kind of apologetic inability to tailor myself to each and every group situation, to an attitude of understanding that it is okay to be just how I am and my freedom is to be found in that, and other choices that previously I had felt separated me from society in a negative way. 

I think the best way to explain myself is that up to the point that I consider my awakening moment my life lived me.  

I HAVE SOME CATCHING UP TO DO!

?DO YOU?

Thank you - Adam x