All you need is love, Part II

In the first part of this three-part series, we concentrated on different types of love. In this chapter, we’ll focus on love and how to show it. The last part is stepping into action and the one between about writing Love Letters.

Lust and attraction are mostly your brain chemistry doing tricks. It will last for some months. By the time the chemical cocktail wears off, you better have created something more stable in order for you to maintain the relationship. This means that contradictory to normal belief, love isn’t a noun or a feeling. It is a choice, more like a verb, an act. It is the action of making others see and feel your love. And just to be clear, this isn’t only for the Eros-love, like we talked about in the first part.

How to express your love? One framework is the five love languages; physical touch, quality time, act of service, words of affirmation, and gifts. According to this insight, we usually speak fluently one or two of them. In other words, we are missing a significant amount of doing and being to show our love to our close ones. This is especially essential in romantic relationships. You tend to think, that the significant other feel loved with the same things that would make you feel loved. Wrong! When one speaks a different language than the other, the result can be a mutual feeling of not being loved. Knowing all of the languages will give you the ultimate power to make people around you feel that you really love them.

# Physical touch

Humans are social animals. We suffer greatly as infants if we don’t get the physical closeness we need. When we reach adulthood, we forget this fact. At the latest when the child reaches teenage, the possibilities of non-sexual closeness and cuddling are greatly diminished. At least this happened in my world. Cuddling with your friends wasn't a thing in 90's Finland.

In my biased world, the physical closeness is almost exclusively reserved for Eros kind of love, in romantic relationships. The benefits of hugs are widely known. Still, there are so many people who are deprived of this closeness. My questions are; how can we take the sexual charge out of a hug lasting more than a minute and how can we make cuddling possible for a wider range of audiences?

To begin with this love language, you don't have to go extremes. Touch on a shoulder, initializing high fives, tap on a knee. Use your imagination and intuition, what would be appropriate in this situation.

# Quality time

This is the love language that asks you to be present. When you mix this with physical touch, the result can be a Netflix&Chill kind of evening. If you prefer more present quality time, maybe a boat trip with your friend is a good way to proceed. Maybe you haven't had a board game evening with your family for a while?

The most intimate quality time I have found is tantra. This is a deep dive into yourself when the other acts as a mirror. Since sexuality is not needed in the tantra-practices, you can do this with friends as well. With lovers and spouses, you will maybe find a totally new realm of intimacy when you add tantra in the picture.

# Act of service

Here you can find yourself cleaning up your grandma’s yard. And if you do this together, it will be a mix with quality time. You can surprise your parents by changing all burnt light bulbs or take the trashes out. Maybe you can offer to bring coffee to your coworker when you get one for yourself?

A great act of service makes the other feel that you see their struggle and you are willing to help them. Without any assumptions of a counter-service, you offer your time and yourself to help the other. It would be a great combination if this would be something you enjoy doing. Is your friend struggling with something that you could help with?

# Words of affirmation

This can be a little tricky because it is easy to praise someone for the things they have done or achieved. While this is good and crucial as well, try to add up something about what they are. Focus on process, not outcome. Praise your cousin for being such a good artist and having the vision to draw such vivid pictures. Your girlfriend for having such a good taste with movies. Your mother for being patient.

All words of affirmation are good. It is just good to remember, that outcomes aren't the only thing you can praise someone from. Be sure to give praise for just being the awesome person they are. The more descriptive you are, the easier it is to take in the compliments. This is the difference between "You are good driver" and "I really appreciate you as a driver. The way you seem to notice everyone else and give space to others is just heartwarming. I feel safe.". The second one gives the receiver more information from the giver's perspective and it is easier to take in.

# Gifts

Some people really feel loved when they receive gifts. The gift doesn't need to be big or expensive, a self-picked flower from the forest will most likely also be appreciated. There is a saying that you should gift others, not something they need, but something they want. In this scenario, it is your possibility to show how well you know the other and that you are thinking of them.

I am biased to write about gifts. In my world, the best gifts are useful or done by yourself. And the best is a combination of these two. It could be that the minimalist and protector of nature is against anything that isn't useful. Please try not to be too attached to the idea, that the receiver will like your gifts ;)

More to think

For your acts to be understood as love, try your best to separate these from rewards. If you only give a hug when a child comes with good grades or praise spouse only when they have done something, it probably doesn't feel so much like love than as a reward in the long run. The goal of expressing your love is to make the other feel seen. The emphasis should be "I really see you, and I understand your needs".

Like any other language, these can be learned. Mix and match, try everything. Start small and check it out. How do you feel? Do you notice anything changing in the other one or in the relationship that you have?

This song is for You, dear reader. Who could you show your love today?

-Sanna-