With All Thy Getting, Get Understanding

I came across this Proverb the other day, Proverbs 4:7, here it is from the American King James version of the bible: “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all your getting, get understanding.” If the bible is not your cup of tea, it always reminds me of my favorite Stephen Covey 7-Habits, Habit number 5: “Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood”.

Like many of the people I come across in my business and personal life, I love it when I can truly connect with someone. Whether we share a hobby, are chatting about business or current affairs, it’s a lovely experience to be “understood”.

As Stephen Covey teaches in his courses, ” If you're like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretending that you're listening, and selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the broader meaning entirely.”

I come from a big family, and competing with other family members to get a word in edgewise at the dinner table involved some interrupting, and some planning for how best to be heard. In school, we were often graded for class participation, and having the teacher positively respond to my words meant a good grade. As a result, I too can be guilty of unconsciously planning my response while the other person is speaking their view or experience.

It turns out most people learn to listen with the intent to reply, rather than to understand. You listen internally to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, and the questions you are going to ask. You may also filter what you hear through your personal life experiences. The unintended consequence of this is that you might decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she is done speaking, because you did not really hear them.

In a recent post to our Austin Coaching Coalition Facebook page on a discussion of how to foster racial unity, one post reflected upon how unhelpful it can be to try and relate one’s personal race experience with another’s, in an effort to achieve empathy."Oh, I know just how you feel. I felt the same way." "I had that same thing happen to me." "Let me tell you what I did in a similar situation." This may not be useful when seeking to understand the other person.

Here are 4 “don’t’s” for responding within a conversation or discussion from a popular coaching blog by Brenda Knowles

While listening to another, you find yourself doing one or more of these:

Evaluating:

You judge the speaker and then either agree or disagree.

Probing:

You ask questions from your own frame of reference, rather than seeking their view from their frame of reference.

Advising:

You give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems, when discussion, not solutions is the goal.

Interpreting:

You analyze others motives and behaviors based on your own experiences, instead of using a broader, more inclusive frame of reference.

Brenda Knowles goes on: You might be saying, "Hey, now wait a minute. I'm just trying to relate to the person by drawing on my own experiences. Is that so bad?" In some situations, autobiographical responses may be appropriate, such as when another person specifically asks for help from your point of view or when there is already a very high level of trust in the relationship.” Otherwise, really hearing the point of view, and how it may be different from yours, may add the most value to the discussion.

Here are 3 Tips for Understanding One Another

1. Be An Active Listener- Active listening is the art of being fully present while others talk. Rather than thinking of what we are going to say in response to their words, we listen and reflect back what we heard. The key is to let the speaker know they have been actually, fully heard. Then you may choose to express empathy with them by saying, “this is how I think I would feel if that had happened to me”. Active listening aptly demonstrates that you are interested in hearing the other person’s perspective and not just in sharing your own.
2. Validation-To go beyond just properly hearing the other person’s viewpoint, validation acknowledges their experience or understanding. It says you can appreciate their experience, that it is real and it matters. For example, imagine you I felt I was being charged for work you had already paid for. Sharing the circumstances and checking in with someone about your viewpoint, when validated, can support you as you make the call or type the email to decline further payment under the circumstances.
3. When You Are Alone in This- Some sticky situations do not yield a person with whom you can share honest discussion about a challenge or difficulty. Politics at work or when things are at odds in a family situation can leave you without a listener upon which to rely and be validated by. When that is the case, open your personal journal and write as if you were speaking to a dear friend. Then review your writing at a later date without judgment – just as if you were a non-partisan active listener. If you do not journal now, you may be surprised about what you can discover by writing down your thoughts for later clear-eyed review.

If understanding other people is challenging, or just being understood yourself, “Seeking first to understand, and then to be understood” is a proven, effective approach. Should you need some additional support at work or in your personal life, well there’s coaching for that!