All the Silent Ladies

Thanks to Beyonce and an inexplicable compulsion to always be changing song lyrics it occurred to me that I have not been being my most authentic self. Why? Because I am silenced. Have I silenced myself? Have the male voices that are louder around the table? Both? Working in a male-dominated profession makes finding and keeping your voice strong a bit precarious. Being silent or silenced is no longer an option. Getting interrupted, cut off, or told we are “emotional” is not something women should tolerate.

It is time to speak. We are effective leaders, unstoppable change agents, and we are stronger than we let on. Help me break the pattern of silence. As women in IT (and other male-dominated professions) our perspectives are needed, our input, our ideas, our knowledge, and our passion add value to our teams and organizations. We have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable when sitting at the table. So, there are 4 things that I am reminding myself to do and I share them here to encourage you all to do the same.

1.      Find your voice and use it.

This advice was given to me about 8 years ago by one of my favorite people and at the time I remember thinking, I hate my voice. The actual sound of my own voice was something that I wanted to run away from. So, what was it to find my voice? It wasn’t about the sound. It was about what content and knowledge I could share. This advice does not have one answer. This is a very personal journey, exercise, and practice. It is you and only you who can find your voice and use it. That’s why it is so important. Finding your voice will look different for every individual, but you will know it when you hear it. It will be the idea that you have, that is needed, that you were scared to share, but you did. In that moment your voice is found.

How do you find your voice? You use it. Speak over and over and over again. The more you use it the more you will discover. You will lose your voice and you will have to find it again, but never let anyone take your voice away.

2.      Stop waiting to be called on.

There is no raising your hand to be called on at work. The guy next to you isn’t going to say, “Oh, you go ahead and say your thing. I’ll wait.” That rarely happens with good will. I have seen it and lived it and it was merely a power play to then undermine and overthrow the thing I just said. So, just don’t wait to be called on. When you are a woman at a table of men that are splayed and taking up space you can guarantee they will be taking up the air in the room as well. If you wait to speak the meeting will be over. Do not wait. Do not hesitate. When the conversation is moving get comfortable saying, “wait, I want to go back.” Only you know when you need to use your voice. Use it when it is needed. You’ll know this feeling. It burns. It rages. It wants to come out and if you wait too long and let it pass you will feel regret. If that has surged through your existence at a meeting then you have waited for someone to call on you.

3.      Quality versus quantity.

We all have that person at work that chimes in on every single topic. They go from one tangent to another and where it began is unclear, but it may never end. You start to look around the room to see who has survival supplies. Does anyone have water? We could be here for days. No one wants to be that person. Remember quality versus quantity. What is relevant right now? What is important and what is urgent? You should have a lot to say. You want to have a lot to say. You just don’t want to say it all at once. Especially if it is not relevant.

4.      Articulate and speak with confidence (even when you don’t feel confident).

This is something I am always working on. I get nervous. I laugh. I mumble. I speak too quickly. I throw sarcasm in at a serious time to break the tension (and most likely lose the weight of the point I am trying to make). Our voices are softer and quieter by nature so speaking and articulating with enough volume and confidence is vitally important to being heard.

Our body language is important as well. Where we sit and how we sit at a table is a conscious decision we have to make upon crossing every threshold to every single meeting we attend.

With the spiral of self-criticism running on repeat in our brains it is often hard to remember to stop and speak with intention and confidence. We are at the table because we deserve to be there. We have worked hard, demonstrated expertise, and are the best at what we do. We are not just a number in a diversity and inclusion exercise. We are the talent at the table working to make a difference. 

So, all the silent ladies, please, put your hands up and say, “enough.” I’ve shared my 4 things, what are yours?