?All-Ready?!?

Anxiety, throughout my life is something I’ve gotten very familiar with. It came with the realization of a deep feeling of alone-ness I experienced as a child. I vividly remember the image of a 4 or 5 year old me, seated on the floor in front of a portable black-and-white television, in the company of no other than me, the tv and a sudden but smothering sense of loneliness.

Even so, my childhood played in a constant tumult: happenings of absent parents, a mother who lost herself again and again in psychotic episodes and a father in alcohol and withdrawal, a younger sister I felt for some reason was constantly protected and kept away from me so ‘I could do her no harm’, the loss of my fathers business, our home, 5 relocations, a constant pressure to ‘perform’ and ‘look good’ in order to lift the ‘burden’ on my parents’ shoulders, neglect, psychological and physical violence, in short, an unspoken request to just please ‘NOT BE THE ONE LIFE HAD CHOSEN ME TO BE’.

Strangely enough – or not at all … and maybe not despite but because of all these misconceptions I had found myself in, my body never lost track of my true identity. Even when I admitted myself into psychiatry, seemingly completely burned out at 25, still I could feel this burning flame inside. The perpetual spark of what I then identified as ‘hope’ had never left me and as I later learned it never would.

At 42, I was sitting with my speech therapist when it suddenly hit me. From within, out of the blue, a notion of loving Greatness and great Love rose up, as a Divine inner Knowing. It lit up from the exact spot where I had always noticed that continuing flame, only now it had shown up much bigger, ‘larger than life’ and honestly, it scared the hell out of me. This was the moment I REALLY got anxious, all previous life’s challenges despite!

In that exact instant, I believe I was able to truly identify THE SOURCE OF MY ANGST, of ALL angst for that matter. Not so much did the thoughts scare me of where I felt life had been or still was lacking me – life had so often seemed unfair. Opposingly it was the KNOWING OF WHAT I WAS TRULY CAPABLE OF that i had persistently conscious- and unconsciously been combatting, all throughout my existence, because of the misconceptions life had been presenting me when growing up.

All throughout my childhood I had been told stories of scarcity and lack, of not being good enough, and I had seen them being played out right in front of me. I suddenly understood they were exactly that, stories, play, pretend, make-belief, and that it was entirely my choice to go along or embark on my own script, tailored entirely to my own wishes, desires, and satisfaction.

That afternoon, there in my speech therapist’s office, the tide had turned, I had had an epiphany, a calling from the deepest of my soul. There, I realized there is much more to my being than I had ever believed it to be.

Today I KNOW I am complete, all-ready. There is nothing to look for, to change, to do or to pursue in this life, not really … ALL IT TAKES IS FOR ME TO ALLOW MYSELF TO BE WHAT I ALREADY AM, all-ready and all-one, and never more … alone!

Love,

Ann ??????

www.anngrutman.be

www.youtube.com/@theanniverse

#voiceover #voicecoach #raiseyourvoice #ANNythingispossible