All In + Playing for Keeps

I originally wrote the below post at the start of 2019, and well... it's as true now almost a year in and with a new year and decade approaching as it was then. Actually, I am even more grateful for my lessons and my ability to stay open now. I debated whether to share the below excerpt here on LinkedIn, but hell... what's a little discomfort now and again. Anyways, I hope you get something from it, and I hope you join me in leaning into life fully this coming year... and every year after.

Fierce Magic | Originally written Feb. 2019:

In my life, there have been countless times that I have felt discomfort, pain, grief, struggle, heartache, brokenness, unworthiness, loneliness, and so much more.

My reaction through these moments has been varied and intense, there have been moments of sadness, anger, isolation, shame, resentment... all of it and then some.

But as time passed and as I started witnessing and reflecting on this... I started growing and healing.

Whether the struggle was easily overcome or something that almost broke me I have now entered a point where I have this deep and indescribable gratefulness for having experienced every single bit of every single one.

What I have learned from all of this is that I am strong, I am worthy, I am vulnerable, I am capable, I am still flawed and I am still very much a soul in motion.

What I have learned of most value though is that - I am willing.

I am willing to go after everything. Every passion, every dream, every desire with unequivocal force and with very little submission to fear.

What I learned through every single difficult moment was the worthiness of going through it and not distracting from it.

I sat in the fire and I did not burn. I always rose, and that taught me to not only engage when things are not comfortable but to reflect and pursue discomfort.

I’ve learned to not tense up, not look away, and not push it away.

I've learned there is no such thing as hiding, but most importantly of all, there is no value in distracting.

Fear is not the enemy. Pain is not the enemy. Discomfort is not the enemy. Distraction from it... now that... that is an adversary.

And so I’ve learned to lean in, to surrender, and to feel every single aspect of it.

I’ve learned to sit in the fire.

I’ve learned to be alone truly alone.

I’ve learned to be still.

I've learned to be in the silence.

I've learned to be in the in-between.

I’ve learned to be immeasurably uncomfortable or vulnerable in a moment and still be fully in it.

And there are no words to describe really... no way that I could ever fully express to anyone the magic and the power that lives in those spaces. There’s not a single thing in this world that you could accomplish, that you could read, that you can put discipline into -- that is more worthwhile than those things.

And so now I’ve entered a phase where I seek those moments. I seek the discomfort. I seek the silence. I seek the time alone to reflect on every single portion of my life and of myself.

Every single portion means not just the parts that feel good, no it means, more importantly, the parts that feel heavy, the parts that bring sadness, the parts that bring shame, I’ve learned to sit with them — to sit with them long enough that I feel them wholly, that I begin to understand them, that I get to accept them and eventually that I love them. I am learning to invite them in. 

It has been in learning to do that that I have learned to live in a way that is so incredibly beautiful.

Granted I said beautiful, not easy. Beauty is not always positive and most certainly not always perfect. I said beautiful because I’m all in. And while there’s probably still so much more for me to learn, grow and heal I have to acknowledge the fact that I can say life is magical, and I am fully aware of just how incredibly amazing that is.

And the magic is not just because I believe life is magical... it’s because I am fully aware of all of it (even the messy shitty parts) and still do. Because I can sit in grief with myself or with another, because I can make mistakes and be hurt, because I can see and feel the darkness... and still, and still... always feel the magic.

When you can see the light in the darkness, the darkness in the light and the beauty, connectivity, and necessity of them both... well damn that’s really where it all begins, that is really when you get in the game.

xx

Dre