“No, not all men. But too many, from where I stand!”

Over 10k views in the first 48 hours for a fairly simple post is not something I expected. Nor did I expect it to be so popular among the “middle age white male” demographic. But there clearly was something very personal and sensitive in the writing… That is what I wanted to analyse and explore a little more.

Most of the comments the post received were regarding the ‘middle age white male of a certain status’ persona featuring the story. Let’s assume I took either of the two routes to come up with the character:

1. A FACT. The story was of an actual situation featuring a real person of the certain demographic.
2. A FICTION. The story is made up to make a certain point. However, to bring it to life, I wanted to add in a fictive figure, so, I chose to go for the “mould” leader, i.e., 75% of FTSE 500 CEOs are white males. Hence, the persona.

Either of the routes I take, leads me to the same character…

Nevertheless, the response and sensitivity around the persona rather than the point of the story is what made me want to dig deeper. I wanted to understand:

1. Did I have a blind spot or bias toward a certain demographic that I had not previously noticed?
2. Why 98% of the supporters are females, people of colour and millennial guys vs. 98% of the ‘emotion’ comes from readers that could be identified as ‘white middle age men of a certain status and position?’

For this reason, I decided to treat this as an experiment and a learning curve for myself. I proactively went out to several people who met the description of the persona depicted in the story and asked them to tell me how the post made them feel. They said that, when they simply read the post, they only paid attention to the sentiment and message of the story. However, after reading the comments and re-reading the post again with an overpowering “white male” figure as a label at the back of their heads, they could see where the frustration for some may have come from.

I guess to an extent that answered my first question. However, if it wasn’t me with this bias, what caused such ‘eruption’ of emotion? Is it lack of emotional intelligence (EQ)? Perhaps, lack of sleep? Or maybe, inability to look in the mirror, recognise and accept the reflection and learn?

That leads me to my second question… And the answer to that is: men are just not used to being called out on their ‘white male privilege’.

Tatiana Estévez, Head of Community and Safety at Telepath, sums it up pretty well by saying that people often do not intend to be ‘assholes’, but are somehow still making places pretty hostile. When you look at a conversation and something seems off, and yet you cannot put it in words, try googling terms "gaslighting", "mansplaining" or "sealioning". This most often happens in interactions between men and women, especially men replying to women. That is why places aren't as inclusive, diverse and fair as they should be.

But then I hear you say: “not all men!” (Here I really want to direct you straight to Gina Martin’s TED talk (see in resources)). No, not ALL men. But too many, from where I stand! Too many men whether through action or inaction are perpetuating a culture that accepts micro-aggression and derogatory comments that breed inequality and often leads to abuse, which simply becomes part of the system. I support Gina’s recommendation of using the phrase “not all men” differently. Why don’t we start using that to say: “Not all men are calling out their friends or colleagues when they are saying something to or about a woman that they would not say to another man.” “Not all men are looking up these phrases, learning about unconscious bias and white privilege.” No, not all men are perpetrators. But the ones who are not, should be stepping up to solve this with us more than trying to prove that they are not the problem.

So, ask yourself, when does this become YOUR problem? Is it when your wife, yet again, is being spoken over in that weekly meeting by her male colleague? Is it when your daughter is not being given that promotion opportunity because she does not play golf? When do you become THAT man who stands up to this?

Angie Beeman’s research referenced in Harvard Business Review (HBR) shows that many white male leaders deny gender and race issues and avoid these conversations because they feel uncomfortable and controversial. Yet, this post was actually encouraged by the same “white male” figures, I call allies. They were adamant that this is a systematic issue and needs to be called out and that I should not just brush it off. I admit that my view might still be biased, as the ‘white males’ I engage with, respect and often learn from are men with high EQ, ability to see the bigger picture and ones who consciously and proactively educate themselves.

I am comfortable taking on demanding and challenging subjects, being challenged and shown a different point of view. However, I KNOW that we can do that in a respectful manner. It just requires a little bit more empathy for each other, and a weekly time aside for self-development. (And it is okay to begin that journey here by googling the terms "gaslighting", "mansplaining" and "sealioning", watching Gina’s TED talk and reading HBR’s guidance on becoming a better ally.)

Resources and further reading