If All Men Are Dogs...

If All Men Are Dogs…

I write this article being fully aware that I may be violating some sisterhood code, but I’ll take the risk. The great divide between men and women has had centuries to drift wider and wider until the gulf between the genders has become almost impassable. Genders have become polarized, fierce combatants in the battle for rank, power and supremacy.

I do not rate myself as a relationship expert, but I speak from the perspective that only experience, observation and authentic conversation can bring. I’ve had my share of failed relationships, heartbreak and tough conversations with either estranged love interests or good male friends and the insight, though sometimes hard to hear, has been invaluable to my own growth as a person and as a woman.

I’ve always tried to self-examine in an effort to be fair, responsible for my actions and most importantly, to avoid being a bitter, angry woman. So, in light of all that, I had to come to the conclusion that contrary to popular belief, all men are not dogs. There. I’ve said it.

If I were brutally honest, for whatever drove me, I chose to be with men that had doggish ways. In actual fact, it seemed like I always chose the same type of man that manifested in different forms: insecure, jealous, controlling, dishonest, deceptive, manipulative and emotionally abusive. If that were not bad enough, he would usually be a ‘project’, a ‘fixer upper’; someone with the potential to be a good guy but never quite reaching the mark. I liked the guys that used me for what I was willingly prepared to give, not the ones that wanted to give to me and treat me like the queen I didn’t seem to know I was. I attracted what needed to heal within me. I needed to become what I wanted to attract.

So, are all men dogs? Not at all. What we focus on becomes bigger. There are many good men out there. We see them every day and because we have trained our eyes to see the bad ones through our pain, the good ones go unnoticed and unappreciated. In my conversations or sometimes eavesdropping on men’s conversations, I realized some very important things about good men.

1. “We are not dogs.”
We are not disputing that some men are dogs but not all of us are. Women should take more responsibility for their own behavior and what they choose to tolerate from the men they deal with. Any person without a conscience would take what someone freely offers without a sense of obligation that they need to respond in a certain way or in kind. Usually men are very honest about their intentions but women don’t want to face the truth and think they could change the man or the circumstances in their favor. When that doesn’t happen, then…well, you know what they say.

2. “We are not in competition with women.”
We are not competing with women. We want women to be women: strong, intelligent, feminine. We want to support you in what you’re doing. You don’t have to be a man to be recognized for who you are. You don’t have to best us to feel like you’re getting somewhere at work or in the home. In fact, if we have to struggle with you all the time, it gets old and tiresome and any right thinking person would remove him or herself from a constant battle. We are not against you. We are on your side.

3. “We are not heartless.”
Men are very emotional. We’ve just been conditioned by society to not show our emotions. We feel very deeply. We get hurt. We love. We get heartbroken. We want you to listen to our deepest feelings, desires and dreams without judgment or criticism. We want you to respect and honor us. Even though we are trained to be strong and we may appear to be cold, if we trust you enough to show our heart, you will see that we have fears, we are vulnerable and we really care. If showing that is not safe with you, then you will never know.

4. “We are not absent.”
We are not absent but in fact, we are very present. We see, hear and feel more than you give us credit for. We sit small because that’s where you want us to be. You say you want a strong man, a leader, one that can make decisions and take charge, but when we do, you say we are controlling and trying to run your life. You don’t listen when we give you advice or the opinion you ask for and go on to do your own thing and then realize if you had listened, you would have saved yourself a whole lot of trouble. Psychology has proven that the more a subject is punished for a certain action, the more they will avoid the action. If you beat us up for being a man long enough, then we will either stop being a man around you or be with someone who will honor our manhood. Many deadbeat men are just disengaged men who have checked out of the fight for a little peace of mind.

5. "We are not irresponsible."
We handle our business. There are many men out there who are only treated like an ATM, a financier and not respected for what we do for our loved ones. We carry our weight, we help around the house, we help with the kids, we try to communicate, be supportive, romantic, sexy, and everything in between. Sometimes we have to wonder if it’s worth it. Every good employee wants to be appreciated, even if it’s acknowledging every once in a while that you see the good they’re doing and that they’re making an impact.

Sisters, let’s listen to our men and transform our relationships with them by taking responsibility for what we’ve contributed to it – good and bad - and by honoring the great men that are around us. Our lives, workplaces, homes and communities will experience the difference. After all, isn’t that what we want from them...a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T?