All-Inclusive
A Primer on 21st Century Etiquette and Respect
In an increasingly interconnected and fast-paced world, some values remain universal and timeless. Respect—expressed through words, actions, and deeds—continues to be a cornerstone of interpersonal and cultural harmony worldwide. While technology, social norms, and lifestyles have evolved drastically over the past few decades, the essential need for respect hasn’t faded. In fact, it’s as important as ever.
Less Friendly America
The perception that people in America are becoming less friendly and polite is supported by various studies and observations. A significant portion of Americans believe that manners have declined over the years. According to an ABC News poll , 73% of respondents feel that people's manners today are worse than they were 20 or 30 years ago. Many reported experiencing rude gestures while driving and admitted to cursing in public, indicating a shift towards less courteous behavior in everyday interactions.
An article from National Review discusses the broader implications of declining public etiquette , suggesting that restraint—a key component of politeness—has diminished in American life. This decline is reflected in various social behaviors and interactions, which have become less formal and more casual over time/
While this may enhance personal expression, it can also lead to discomfort in social settings where traditional politeness was once expected .
A study by UCLA sociologists found that the use of polite expressions like "please" is often strategic rather than habitual , used primarily when individuals anticipate resistance or need to overcome obstacles in communication. This suggests that politeness is becoming more situationally dependent rather than an ingrained social norm.
While many Americans still value polite behavior, there is a growing sentiment that public manners are deteriorating. Factors such as changing cultural norms, increased informality in communication, and strategic uses of politeness contribute to this perception. As society continues to evolve, the challenge remains to balance personal expression with the fundamental principles of respect and consideration for others.
Respect may look different across cultures, but it’s a universal language that everyone understands. Regardless of where you go, showing respect to others through polite language , thoughtful actions, and mindful deeds creates goodwill and mutual understanding.
At its core, respect signals acknowledgment of another person’s worth, dignity, and humanity. It tells someone, “I see you, I value you, and I treat you with consideration.” This essential message strengthens relationships, builds trust, and helps bridge cultural gaps.
Politeness and Courtesy: - have long been universal values in America, yet the specific actions we take and words we use to express courtesy, respect, gratitude, and acknowledgment are evolving. In 21st-century America, the language of politeness is adapting to reflect greater awareness of social and cultural diversity. Today’s etiquette emphasizes not only traditional manners but also a respect for personal identity and inclusivity.
Language
Language is one of the most immediate and impactful ways to show respect. In most cultures, polite forms of address, expressions of gratitude, and even silence in the right moments reflect consideration for others.
Language has shifted in settings ranging from casual conversations to professional environments, and embracing both tradition and change allows us to communicate respect in all interactions.
Timeless Appeal of "Please" and "Thank You" -Expressions of gratitude and courtesy—like "please," "thank you," and "I appreciate that"—remain nearly universally appreciated. These words reflect a kindness and consideration that transcend cultural and generational differences. While they may sound simple, their impact on social harmony is profound, as they convey a level of warmth and connection in almost any interaction. Whether at a dinner table, in a workplace, or over a quick exchange with a stranger, these polite phrases remind us that kindness and acknowledgment are universally valued.
That said, the tone, context, and degree of formality in which we use these phrases can vary. In more formal contexts or when addressing strangers, phrases like "thank you very much" or "yes, please" feel appropriate and respectful. In relaxed settings with friends, however, a simple "thanks" often feels more natural and genuine. The ability to read the context and adjust language accordingly is one of the subtleties of modern politeness.?
Changing Roles of Traditional Titles
Phrases like "sir" and "ma’am" have long served as honorifics meant to convey respect, especially when addressing older people, authority figures, or customers. These terms are still commonly used in certain parts of the United States, particularly in the South and Midwest, where they remain symbols of politeness and traditional manners. In many formal settings—like customer service, hospitality, or in interactions with higher-ranking professionals—honorifics may still be appreciated and can convey a degree of respect that feels appropriate and professional.
However, as society becomes more aware of gender diversity and inclusivity, the use of "sir" and "ma’am" is being reconsidered. These terms, though respectful, inherently assume a binary view of gender, which can feel exclusionary to individuals who do not identify within traditional gender categories. Non-binary, genderqueer, and gender non-conforming people may find these terms uncomfortable or inappropriate, and others may feel that such formality isn’t necessary in all situations.
A Shift Toward Inclusivity
In many workplaces, first-name basis interactions are becoming the norm. This shift not only promotes a sense of equality and collegiality but also avoids the assumptions inherent in traditional titles. Addressing someone by their first name (e.g., "Hello, Jordan" instead of "Hello, sir/ma’am") is straightforward, respectful, and inclusive. It acknowledges the individual directly, without implying a gender or hierarchical position. For companies and organizations that prioritize inclusivity, this approach allows for a natural and universal courtesy that is appropriate in both formal and informal settings.
For situations where formality is required, such as official correspondence or professional presentations, gender-neutral titles like "Mx." (pronounced "Mix") have gained traction. "Mx." is particularly useful when the gender of the person addressed is unknown or when they prefer a non-gendered title. This term allows for formality without assumptions, providing a respectful option for diverse interactions.
Adjusting for Respect and Comfort
In customer service settings, the move toward non-gendered greetings is becoming standard. Rather than "How can I help you, sir/ma’am?" service providers increasingly use neutral language like, "How can I assist you today?" or "Welcome!" These phrases are both professional and inclusive, accommodating customers of all identities without making assumptions. Small language shifts like these can help create a welcoming environment, showing a commitment to respect and dignity for every individual.?
Similarly, many public spaces—airlines, restaurants, and hospitals—are training staff to address people without relying on gendered language. This shift not only respects gender diversity but also enhances the overall customer experience by fostering an inclusive environment where all feel acknowledged and respected.
Navigating Everyday
The key to respectful language in the 21st century is adaptability. In casual settings among peers, for instance, language can be relaxed and informal. A quick "thanks" or "please" is usually sufficient, as familiarity often minimizes the need for formalities. Yet even in these interactions, taking note of personal preferences—such as someone’s pronouns or their comfort with formality—demonstrates a sensitivity that is the hallmark of true politeness.
In more formal interactions, it’s helpful to follow cues from the person you’re addressing. If they introduce themselves with a first name, feel free to use it. If they introduce themselves with "Mr." or "Ms.," respond in kind unless they indicate otherwise. These small adaptations show that you are listening and engaging with respect.
The Future of Politeness
As we move further into the 21st century, politeness is evolving to encompass both timeless courtesies and modern inclusivity. This new etiquette acknowledges that respect can be conveyed without gender assumptions and that honoring individuality often means moving away from certain traditional expressions.
Ultimately, the goal of any polite interaction is to make others feel valued and respected. Whether through "please," "thank you," a person’s name, or a neutral greeting, our words offer us a powerful way to communicate kindness, acceptance, and genuine respect for each other’s identities. The nuances of politeness may shift, but the intention behind them—to uplift, honor, and connect with others—remains as vital as ever.
Polite interaction is essentially about creating a positive and respectful environment where everyone feels valued and heard. Giving your full attention to the person that is speaking, maintaining eye contact, and asking thoughtful questions as necessary. Following social norms and etiquette, such as saying "please" and "thank you”. Using kind words, avoiding hurtful language, and considering the other person's feelings.
In embracing both the old and the new, we can build a culture of courtesy that respects tradition while also celebrating diversity. This approach to language is more than just words; it’s a reflection of a society striving for inclusivity, empathy, and respect in every interaction.
Mindful, Individual Kindness
Respect isn’t only in what we say but also in what we do. Small, everyday actions can be powerful indicators of respect. Acts of courtesy—like holding the door, listening attentively, or offering a helping hand—send a clear message of thoughtfulness and care.
Historically, opening a car door for someone was part of a broader set of “chivalrous” behaviors, mostly practiced by men towards women as a way of showing care and respect. Opening a car door for someone—once widely seen as a hallmark of gentlemanly conduct—has now stirred different reactions in today’s world, where views on gender roles, independence, and respect have evolved.
What was once a clear gesture of chivalry is now met with mixed opinions, as some see it as an enduring symbol of courtesy, while others view it as outdated or even patronizing. This shift in perception speaks to broader changes in how we think about gestures of respect and personal agency in modern society. As society has evolved, so too have expectations around courtesy and respect. In a time when autonomy and equality are emphasized, many people—both men and women—prize independence and self-sufficiency. To some, gestures like opening a car door may seem out of step with the modern emphasis on equality, especially if the gesture feels rooted in assumptions about gender roles.
In recent years, courtesy has become less tied to traditional roles and more focused on inclusivity. Actions once considered exclusively "chivalrous" can now be practiced by anyone for anyone. Opening a door, carrying a bag, or offering a helping hand is no longer gendered; instead, it’s a respectful gesture that anyone can extend to another, regardless of gender. In situations where someone’s hands are full, they’re managing a child, or they simply look like they could use a hand, opening the door for them can demonstrate a sense of support that goes beyond traditional gender roles. In this sense, opening a car door becomes less about outdated “gentlemanly” expectations and more about mindful, individual kindness. If the gesture is made in the spirit of thoughtfulness rather than adherence to traditional roles, it’s often appreciated as a warm and caring act.
In the 21st century, gestures of respect and courtesy are less about following set social rules and more about making each person feel acknowledged and valued. Whether it’s opening a car door or offering a simple “thank you,” modern manners prioritize context, sensitivity, and an understanding of individual preferences. When we approach these gestures with genuine care and consideration, we can ensure they’re received as respectful rather than restrictive.
Holding a door
Holding a door open for the person behind you has long been considered a small, courteous gesture. It’s simple, unspoken, and, until recently, nearly universal in American culture. But today, many people find that it’s less common to have someone hold the door open in public spaces like stores or office buildings. Is this shift a sign of eroding social etiquette, or is there something deeper driving the change?
Historically, holding the door for someone wasn’t just a polite act—it was also a way of showing solidarity and awareness of others around us. It was a way of saying, “I see you, and I’ll take a moment to ease your entry.” In many ways, it’s a gesture rooted in the social fabric, an unspoken acknowledgment that we’re all part of a shared community. However, as social habits have shifted, so too has our perception of these small courtesies. Today, people are more aware of personal space, increasingly busy, and often focused on their own immediate concerns, all of which impact the likelihood of pausing to hold the door.
Many people today feel pressed for time, whether they’re on the way to a meeting, picking up kids, or simply moving quickly through their daily errands. This “always-busy” mindset contributes to a sense of urgency that discourages people from pausing for small gestures, even if they’d like to. In fast-paced cities especially, people often have limited patience or simply feel that they don’t have a moment to spare, and a quick, seamless entry or exit can take precedence over holding the door.
For some, this shift reflects a practical adjustment to modern life’s demands, but it also signals a subtle shift in priorities. With less time to stop, people may skip courtesies like holding the door because they feel their time and focus are better spent on their next task or destination.
One of the most visible changes in modern life is the ever-present role of smartphones. As people walk into buildings, many are often looking down at screens, catching up on messages, or scrolling through social media. This “head-down” habit means we’re simply less likely to notice those around us, let alone think to hold a door open. With people more tuned into their devices than their surroundings, social gestures like holding a door may be overlooked, not out of rudeness but out of distraction. The focus on personal devices has, in a way, made people more insular in public spaces, where our attention might have once been shared with others.
Small acts, Big impact
Despite these changes, holding the door for someone remains a thoughtful gesture that can brighten someone’s day. When done mindfully and with genuine kindness, it transcends potential misunderstandings and speaks to a universal value of courtesy. While holding a door open has become less common, it remains a small act with a big impact. Our world is increasingly digital, fast-paced, and individualistic, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still find moments to connect with others in thoughtful ways.
Research has shown that acts of kindness can create a ripple effect, inspiring others to perform their own acts of kindness. A study published in the journal Psychological Science found that witnessing acts of kindness can lead to increased prosocial behavior in others, creating a chain reaction of goodwill.
Respect is a feeling of admiration or high regard for someone or something, and it means to consider someone or something worthy of esteem. Isn’t that the America we all want?
Core Principles
The core principles of Emily Post's etiquette are still relevant in 21st-century America. While societal norms and technological advancements have changed, the fundamental principles of politeness, respect, and good manners remain timeless.
While some specific etiquette rules may need to be adapted to modern times, the Emily Post Institute continues to update and adapt Emily Post's original principles to fit contemporary society. Their more recent publications address modern challenges like digital etiquette, social media etiquette, and workplace etiquette.
For instance, while traditional etiquette might dictate certain table manners or dress codes, today's more casual social norms may allow for more flexibility.
So, while the specific details might evolve, the underlying principles of kindness, consideration, and respect that Emily Post championed are still essential for navigating social interactions in today's world.