It All Exploded in September. Now I Know It Needed To.

So it’s time to wrap up September 2024 and what a freaking month it has been

In fact I’d say the last 12 months had been building up to this September 2024 and now I honestly believe the universe has turned a corner for me….?

It feels like there was a 12-month fuse at the end of a stick of dynamite and September was when it finally went off.

Heads up this is by far the biggest update I'll have ever written - but it's time for me to be more open and explain WHY this has been the most difficult year of my adulthood.

This last year I’ve taken more punches than I can even believe.? Maybe my personal life needed to explode before what happened happened.?

But finally, it’s as if the dust is settling and I can feel energy surging back to who I used to be….. and more.?

Let me explain.....

It actually started pre 2024 - but I am only able to share some of the journey since then! My hands are tied to tell it all - but I’ll be able fill in the gaps one day I hope.

So whilst this is a September catch-up - let me give you some more context to the build-up to September.

The 2024 year started with 3 close bereavements in 3 months - Aunty, Cousin (her daughter) and then my lovely friend.

3 deaths and 3 funerals in 12 weeks.?

Rough AF.?

In April 2 whole weeks went by when someone didn’t die or I wasn’t at a funeral. I even remember thinking 2 weeks felt like a long time to not be faced with some kind of death. It had felt that relentless.?

But by the end of May- we seemed back on track and 2 more friends had died - 2 more funerals to attend. May I add - by this point 3 out of the 5 bereavements were under 50 y/o. Way before their time!!

It was utterly heartbreaking. These were all special people in differing degrees to me.?

When it came to June and July something else happened that my hands are tied to discuss - but trust me when I say it knocked the freaking wind out of me. I made a video about this in my YouTube channel.?Im as open as I am able to be.

If you happen to have an interest in watching that - see it here:

My Months Reset - August 2024

I had no idea what was around the corner a week later when I made this video above.

I honestly considered just honouring the clients I had and closing my business until 2025.?

I felt dedicated to the clients I had but wasn't sure where I would get the energy to take on anymore.

So thats what I did - temporarily. Without setting a deadline though. I knew I'd feel it when I was ready to expand again.

I remained 100% dedicated to the clients on my books (I had quite a few too) but closed my doors to others and started turning people away.

I could already feel the impact of my physical energy levels:

• My content suffered.?
• My desire to create content suffered.?
• My brain blanked on a daily basis when sat at my laptop creating content

So quite frankly I posted less and used the time to meditate and reflect.

This was anxiety-inducing as well knowing that I depend on social presence to run my business. I knew when I was ready to start again I'd be well behind and it'd take a while to claw back.

I accepted it - there was no alternative way.

Im one of those people who gets a burst of cortisol and utterly lose my appetite. I'd already lost weight by default - and didn't want to lose anymore. I had to force-feed myself to keep the weight on. This was nauseating sometimes!!!

I gave my clients all the energy I had (they didn’t notice any difference apparently when I asked them afterward) I 'can' actually really believe that - as those calls were one of the few times I really felt like I was adding value. A time when all this other shit behind the scenes was not a part of my thinking or focus. But outside that the only way I could maintain that was to literally close my books for a few months to anyone new.?

I still had 20 people chasing for about 20 things. I had to park the lot. I told them all one by one. I needed to practice what I preach and rest... FYI this was stuff I had outsourced and paid for so nobody was let down or short-changed. I made sure of that.

I parked projects I was going to be part of

I stepped away from business coaching as biz dev wasn't on my radar.

I just had to go within to process everything that was happening.

See, when I say - 'everything that was happening' - I had other things happening which were not cool.

Stuff that’d normally be quite significant but at that point, it really felt like they didn’t matter at all.

For example:?

• My van was broken into and I had hundreds of pounds of equipment taken from it on night
• I had a seizure in the gym
• And I was quite sleep deprived as I was up 1-3 times a night to let Louie out for a wee which had been ongoing for about 4 months.
• Due to Louie’s health (arthritis and tummy issues), I had slept downstairs to let Louie outside as it was too much for the poor little fella to get up and down 3 flights of stairs in the middle of the night. I knew he was deteriorating - I just didn't know how long I had left. He was still happy and well generally - I just had to accommodate his needs a lot in the meantime.

Hobbies and life felt too much so I pulled out of roller derby early before the season was over.

My roller derby team totally understood as they were aware of the June and July events and in fact, encouraged me to rest.

I needed a change - an adventure.?

I spent the month of August gallivanting around the UK in my van trying to force some fun - I did have more fun than I'd had for ages - but it wasn’t all a bed of roses.?

This thing that had happened in June and July had really shaken me and gallivanting everywhere in a van helped - but wasn’t the solution. I simply needed to grieve some more - there was no avoiding it.

However little did I know at the time it was my last full month with my boy Louie and I love that about August, every night with him as he played little spoon in my arms for 4 weeks. That was bloody beautiful.?

The month was an experience and I was beginning to feel ready to go again. I even posted about it Linekdin saying how much better I felt. I was just rebalancing myself after a brutal 10 months, feeling ready to kick start the end of the year.

2 days later....

Louie had a rapid turn and I was forced to put him to sleep as he crossed the rainbow bridge.?

Putting Louie to sleep was THE most heart-wrenching yet beautifully peaceful experience I’d ever had.

He had no anxiety or stress or pain. He slowly passed in my arms and I’d not have changed a thing in such horrific circumstances.?

The day of his passing he was left with me on my couch.?He lay there just looking like he was having a sleep. I could barely believe he was gone - he looked so peaceful.

I had to carry him to my van in a blanket to take him to the cemetery. I’d never lifted a deceased dog before. It’s very different to an alive dog - and he was a heavy ol' thing.

On the way to the cemetery, I had to pull over as I was struggling to see past my tears.?

In doing so I “almost” had a mini collision. (I’ll make a video about this) but I tried to pull over and a guy was in my blind spot. It was entirely my fault. I indicated and started to pull into the left lane BUT in my defense, I didn't even cross the white lines of the road. So really there was no real risk other than what could have been. We were only going about 20 mph as it was relatively busy but the man in this car was incredibly angry.

I pulled over for safety as I was still deeply grieving for Louie. It was dangerous to drive when I was so upset. I sat weeping in a lay-by over losing my dog 1 hour before and this man furiously pulled in front of me calling me all the names under the sun with his middle finger being shaken at me.?

I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

I had absolutely nothing to give back. No fight. No defense. No anger. My dead dog was behind me in the van in his bed having passed an hour before and I’ve got the most aggressive man in the world going nuts at me. On this occasion I just took it. Not like me at all. I just sat there in the driver's seat and watched in disbelief.?

You can’t make this shit up.?

The level of disproportional reaction from this man was off the charts but I had no energy by this point to fight back. I’d been up with Louie every minute of the night - with zero sleep and a broken heart I simply couldn’t believe what I was seeing or hearing.?

I finally got Louie to the crematorium 30 mins later and had my own little solo service in a doggie Chappell. I’m not sure I’ve ever cried so hard in my entire f**kin life.?

I could barely bring myself to leave him but I knew I had to. It felt like I was in a trance and I hated the feeling of abandoning him.?

I got home and went to bed - think I was in a little bit of shock despite the tears didn't stop flowing all day.

The following day I woke up - I wasn’t looking forward to Louie’s funeral - but I had to get it done.

I drove back to the crem’ and said my final farewells before keeping a little bit of his fur and watching him put in his little chamber to be cremated.?

So freaking sad.?

I drove home and noticed I didn’t feel too well. I knew something was wrong physically.?

I’ll keep this part more private but long story short I ended up 2 hours later in hospital having a small emergency surgery.

Literally the day after Louie died and the day of his cremation.?

Like I said - you can’t make this shit up.?

Over this week I’d also been contacted by friends - but on terms that didn’t sit well with me.?I needed to voice these concerns.

Again, I’ll keep it brief but this year I've been waking up more and more to how much I’d changed and how my boundaries were so much more rigid than before. Things that I used to tolerate, I no longer do.?

After some deep discussions, I ended up having to “break up” with a couple of my long-term friends too - both over a decade of knowing each other.

I’d changed too much - and the only way for me to sustain these relationships would have been to comply to the things I used to. I no longer was willing to do that - so we had to say goodbye.?

We never really talk about breaking up with friends - but we do right?!?

I feel grateful for what we once had, and the lessons I’ve learnt but I’m not willing to tolerate some stuff anymore. They still wanted those terms. I didn’t. It couldn’t work long term.?

The roller derby season by now was just beginning and the stitches and recovery meant I couldn’t play. Just as well really. I was in no physical state to play contact sports. It would have been dangerous.

I just simply had to surrender to whatever was on the cards for me next.?

Whatever you’ve got in store for me now universe just hit me with it. Get the job done so I can get it over with.

Never EVER in my life have I ever called upon a parent as an adult for help - but I did this time.?

I phoned home still very sore from surgery and grieving from losing Louie unable to drive to collect prescriptions etc - basics like cooking and cleaning were painful.?

God love my Mum - in her late 70s she was on the train straight to Bristol and was walking through my front door 2 days later.

I’d not had much company for months as I’d been almost housebound by Louie's health.

Having my Mum visit for a week was a game changer. We talked and talked and talked …… and talked. Pretty much about everything. Sometimes for 12 hours straight till 4am. ????

4 days later I got a call from the crem’ that Louie’s Ashes were ready.?

I could drive by then,? and went to collect them. His little casket was beautiful and now sits on my mantlepiece for the time being.?

A week later I did yet another very intensive self-dev’ retreat. It had been booked for months. I am still unsure if the timing was good or bad - but I attended anyway - esp as Id already paid hundreds for it. Where I was at the time - errmm 'intensive retreat' was an understatement.?

I then spent the week covering close to 1200 miles in total seeing family and friends and filling my life up with love.

I ran two on-site back-to-back client workshops in Manchester and London which fuelled me with energy - I LOVE these events.?

Which brings me to now.?

There has been an almighty shift inside of me. It’s hard to describe but I feel like my heart has exploded - in a good way.? Whatever these last 12 months have been about it was heading to this point.

How can I be so sure - because something inside of me feels utterly different!! SO different.

I feel like everything that could go wrong went wrong - and now it’s massively done a 180 degrees.?

In this last week or two, my business clearly shows it’s turned a corner from choosing to have so much time out.?I've reopened my doors for new clients and I have had A LOT of new inquiries - and I haven't even done much to attract them - again I believe it's just the universe saying "There you go - thats what you get for listening" :D

Right now, I feel:?

• Energised
• So much happier.?
• More confident than ever?
• More resilient than I’ve been in my life?
• My relationships with my family and best mates have never been so unshakable?

The experiences from this last year have taught me a lot.?

I feel (I KNOW) I’m a better coach for it.?

I’ve since finally allowed myself to focus on my niche in my business around improved communication and assertiveness - and I’m bloody excited about it and what that will bring.?

I'm back at roller derby again.

I’m back in the gym again?

I slept for 18 hours in one sitting this weekend (NEVER have I EVER done that before). EVER! My longest in my life was 10 hours.?

For the first time in pretty much a year, I feel like I’ve turned a MASSIVE corner.? And when I say that is because of how different I feel it was like this was all part of a bigger agenda.

Who knows what’s next for me - but I know this - I now feel the universe is on my side and we’re at least facing the same direction.?

Since this gigantic shift, I’ve recently felt I feel like it was all heading to one point.?

This point.?

I know this may sound dramatic but this last year has undoubtedly changed me.?

And changed me for the better

Obviously I still miss my beautiful Guardian?Angel Louie but I’ll carry a piece of him around with me for the rest of my life.?

I’m genuinely excited for what is next.?

I’m just enjoying life this shift at the moment and things are happening in a positive way effortlessly.?

Who bloody knows what I’ll have to report the end of October but for me I’m just happy to be enjoying life again.?

2025 is going to be epic.?

Until then I’ll enjoy the remaining time of 2024 with this crazy-ass shit behind me.?

I applaud you if you’ve read this far. Most won't, but I appreciate it if you have.

But it was weirdly liberating and freeing to put this all down on paper.?

The cliche saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” ...is so true.?

I am stronger. I almost feel bulletproof or invincible at the moment. Like I was beaten up by Mike Tyson but somehow I won the fight.

What’s more the version of me feels like it’s a new version. Like I’ve shed my skin in some way and ready to explore what this crazy thing called life brings next.?

All I know right now is the shift I have experienced in these last few weeks feels like this was part of the universe's plan.

The universe has bigger plans for me and I'd never have listened if everything had stayed calm and easy like most of 2023. It needed to shake me up for me to properly listen and let go of the old Angie, the old life and the old decisions.

All I know right now is I've never been more excited about the future and how I navigate through whatever it brings.

Whatever it looks like, I’m pretty damn sure it’s going to be good.

Thanks for reading.