ALL IN DUE TIME

INTRO

I found myself in a pitch-black room. My fear of the dark literally sucked the air out of my lungs. My bones shivered. The panic I felt inside was insulated by my inability to move, breath, speak, or react. It was impossible to even grasp the size of the room I was in. I could've been in a tiny closet just as I could've been floating in deep space. I recall that it was really cold, but my terror didn't allow me to think about anything, including the bigger questions like "Where am I?" and "How did I get here?" Suddenly a loud thunder clapped followed by a bright, white light that expanded in the distance, maybe thirty-five to forty feet ahead. The sound blasted through me like a cannonball to the chest. For a moment I thought I had died, but it was just a really loud sound. The emanating light sat isolated and appeared to be spherically shaped by the enormous weight of the blackness surrounding it. With each step, my lungs filled with life-giving oxygen, my skin warmed, and I felt a peaceful feeling growing in my heart. My sense of time ceased to exist, but I remember feeling as if I arrived at this strange object rather quickly. Some of the details have blurred in my memory, but I can say that the object was a long crystal cylinder, just over eight feet long and almost two feet in diameter. There were many different blemishes of various colors, shapes and sizes randomly scattered throughout its entirety. They looked frozen in time like a snow globe that stopped moving moments after shaking it; or the various imperfections you would find in a giant diamond after careful inspection. As I stared in fascination, a voice said "That's your life."?

There was nothing to look at except this large crystal cylinder that floated horizontally before me. I felt pride filling up inside as my eyes scanned from left to right, what I understood to reflect a timeline of my life. All of the colorful particles and cloudy spots were distributed more or less consistently within sections or epochs, and in between each epoch I could see the transition into new compositions of particles. This feeling of pride was intense, as if I had gotten away with the biggest bank heist in history. My overwhelming confidence quickly melted away, together with much of my blood as I turned pale from what the voice said next. "You're looking at it wrong," I heard as the crystal cylinder slowly rotated 90 degrees. "THIS is your life," the voice said with a nurturing sentiment. Looking at the cylinder from the end it was clear that "time" didn't matter. The blemishes and particles piled up behind each other to the point of creating a nearly black circle with just a few pockets of lighter spots. Distraught, I desperately looked up and around in every direction hoping to meet the voice that stole my innocence; the voice that forced me to stare into the darkest parts of my soul by sparing me the comfort of "time." I jumped out of my dream and out of my bed like a door-busting ram breaking through the entrance on its last blow. I was covered in sweat and relieved it was a dream, but it was a night I will never forget.?

ALL IN DUE TIME?

Not a single aberration in that cylinder represented something that happened to me. Every intuition, desire, reaction, and response stood frozen and naked from time. Every unanticipated hap and mishap that I attached to my actions became as meaningless as time. Like watching yourself crash into Coyote's painting of a road against a hill, there wasn't enough context to make sense of what was happening or why I ever behaved the way that I did.?

It was 12:45 in the morning on November 5th, 2009 when we were kicked out of the hospital. We may have never left otherwise as we didn’t want the reality outside to shadow the joy for our little miracle. I sat nervously watching the nurse's instructions in the rearview mirror as she and my ex secured our newborn into a rear-facing car seat that they would eventually bill us for. The nurse slammed the door shut and excused herself monotonously scripted, as if relieved it would be the last repetition of her shift. It was deserted outside and the three of us sat silently in the car. I can only assume that my ex was replaying the same concerns in her head as I. We both turned and looked at our precious son in synchrony as I began to half joke about whether the baby’s instruction manual was still inside. Earlier that day I spent an excessive six hours building a crib according to the hieroglyphic instructions included in the box. Even if there were post delivery instructions on the way, it probably wouldn't have helped me much. The situation was far from funny, though. There were no smiling faces awaiting us, or excited in-laws, siblings and grandparents to congratulate us. We were absolutely alone, and I felt anxiety about our preparedness and capacity to be responsible over another human being, let alone an infant.?

There is no “time,” there never was and there never will be. The only truth that has always existed can be summed up in the simple question each of you ask after reading my stories and listening to many others: “What did you do?” It’s the question that not only determines the quality of your story, but also determines whether you even share the story to begin with. Time doesn’t raise children, land you opportunities, or heal old wounds. At best, it measures your age and reminds you of every action you took, or worse, didn’t take.?

Today, my activities are dedicated to my family and to my passions, including serving our English Language Learner’s community. I work to stay ahead of the timeless question of “What did you do?” by asking myself “What are you going to do?” As I wrap this blog post up for publishing, here’s one more thing I did and I hope it resonates with you. You can learn more about what I’m doing by visiting?www.ScanningPensTexas.com. Thank you so much for your support and stay tuned for another scoop of life!?

Edward Zelarayán