Not all Abusers are Cruel, but Abuse is Cruel

One of the trickiest things about being in an abusive relationship is that the abuse is not easy to identify until you are out of the relationship, whether the relationship is intimate, personal, or professional.

In my lifetime, I have had more than one unhealthy friendship, been employed in toxic workplaces, and experienced harmful business relationships.

In most cases, partly because of what I learned in my 20s, I have been able to leave situations before I lost myself. But the lesson was tough to learn.

Around the turn of the millennium, the partner I lived with borrowed thousands of pounds from me but never repaid it. He smashed furniture when angry, asked me to prepare lectures and lessons for him, denied our relationship even existed and then brought home "extra" girlfriends.

While they made out in the living room, I baked scones for them in the kitchen.

My partner repeatedly dangled the carrot of a future together while denying we had a present.

I look back at who I was then and wonder how that situation came to be. How did I allow it?

The truth is, I didn't allow it; I didn't see it.

Over the years, through multiple events, I had lost myself.

I never viewed the relationship as abusive because, physically, I was fine. I never felt threatened or scared, either.

However, I felt compelled to bow to his requests.

• To work on his behalf for no credit or appreciation.
• To make lunch and take it to work for him.
• To take out a bank loan and give him most of it.
• To do what he wanted while denying what I needed.

There was no space in our relationship for me.

He wasn't cruel. He was a "nice guy". But he held all the power.

I wasn't weak. But I entered the relationship damaged and vulnerable from previous abuse.

Looking back, I don't think he set out to hurt me, but he certainly didn't seek to love or respect me either.

Leaving that relationship taught me much about who I was and could be. I grew bolder.

Yet, it took a few years for me to see the relationship for what it was.

Abusive.

What is Abuse?

Before I continue, the points raised in this article are observational, based on my learnings and experiences.

Abuse is multifaceted, and I do not have the answers. But I hope at least one person can avoid future pain.

The word abuse means to use badly. This can include cruelty, violence (or the threat of violence), manipulation, bullying, isolation, discrimination, exploitation, exclusion, neglect, denial of rights and more.

Abuse happens in many forms, physical, financial, emotional, sexual, psychological, institutional, and more. It is a profoundly complex topic that harms people on multiple levels.

How Does Abuse Occur?

Abuse is more likely to occur when there is an imbalance of power, where one party has a perceived "lower status".

The difference in status can be based on several factors, such as wealth, health, experience, title, race, gender, sexuality, culture, and even postcode or appearance.

In a healthy dynamic, a difference in status does not diminish or increase any person's innate worth.

While in an unhealthy dynamic, there is a "status vacuum" and a desire to maintain the status quo. Innate worth is ignored.

Abuse can be mild, almost imperceptible, particularly at first.

It can even begin positively when the abuser drenches the other person in praise or admiration (love bombing). You might have a boss who gives an abundance of praise or a friend who buys you thoughtful gifts.

Essentially, the status vacuum needs to be filled, so the abuser fills it with enough "love" to create false equity.

The problem? To maintain their status or power, the abuser then withdraws the love or affection in some way.

Early on, the little things are easy to brush off… a random bad mood, a cold shoulder, or not responding to messages.

The signs of abusive behaviour are often typical of the everyday ups and downs of being human, so they are easy to forgive.

Or not notice.

But, as the status vacuum grows again, the abuser fills it less. The responsibility to fill the void falls to the other party.

This is typically done by "doing their best".

The person with the "lower status" may seek to please the other person by going the extra mile at work or staying up later than usual to talk to a friend.

Again, these are not unusual behaviours in a healthy relationship. The difference is in WHY they are happening.

As the vacuum is filled and expanded, the abuser allows the other party to be fully responsible for feeding the void.

The dynamic can shift from seeking approval from the abuser to avoiding upsetting them. Of course, both aspects can be at play simultaneously.

In a professional setting, a person may gradually work more and expect less. They put in long hours, work weekends, or take shorter breaks. They may agree to do things outside of their usual role.

In a romantic relationship, a person may meet friends less often or take on more household chores; they may even give more in the bedroom. And while doing or giving more, they do not expect their partner to contribute equally because…

… XYZ.

The excuses start.

Nobody wants to be in a toxic or harmful relationship, particularly when you love, admire, or (think you) need the other person. This is how the acceptance and excusing of abusive behaviours begins.

Meanwhile, the status vacuum increases, as do the abusive behaviours.

• Gaslighting
• False promises
• Blame
• Ghosting
• Unreasonable demands
• Lies
• Silencing
• Taking false credit
• Erratic or unpredictable moods
• Criticism
• Humiliation
• "Flipping the narrative": where an issue is raised or challenged, but the abuser accuses the other party of being abusive or harming/hurting them.

And with each escalation, the forgiveness cycle initiates.

"They don't mean it."

"They are tired."

"I probably could do more."

"I shouldn't have […]".

The effects of abuse can be incredibly harmful and can sometimes take years to recover from.

That's why the sooner an abusive pattern is interrupted, the better. The more able we are to recognise an abusive dynamic, the better. The more we recognise cruelty or abuse as a behaviour, not a personality type, the better.

Are you an Abuser?

Check yourself. If you hold some level of power or authority (financial, physical, social, professional, cultural, informational, emotional, intellectual, etc.), ask

Is the status vacuum being equalised, or is it growing?

Consider the following:

• If maintaining or inflating your status is more important than the people in your life, you may be prone to harmful behaviours.
• If it is easier to pass the blame rather than accept responsibility, you are probably harming someone in your world (particularly if they look up to you).
• If you make promises and backtrack while expecting others to keep their side of the agreement, you are harming people in your world.
• If you deny or twist conversations, use "guilt" as a weapon, gush with praise and withdraw it, lie, ignore, bribe, threaten, manipulate and expect others to follow your whims/desires/expectations (because if they don't, they are hurting you…

… then you are abusing your "power".

You are an abuser.

Admit it. Get help.

Observe your behaviours.

Interrupt them.

Seek to elevate others, not for personal gain.

Be a better person.

Are you in an Abusive Relationship or Situation?

It is not always easy to know if you are in an abusive situation. There can be many confusing and contradictory factors. The person may never seem mean or cruel; when they are, it is brief. Perhaps the person is extremely popular or charismatic. They may be incredibly generous or good in other areas.

After all, not all abusers are cruel. So how can you know and then protect yourself?

If you are "seeing red flags", but:

• doubt yourself
• wonder if it's just you
• think it is your imagination
• worry about mentioning something to them or someone else
• not sure whom to talk to because you don't feel entirely secure speaking about the situation
• hope for the best
• worry about the next time you see them
• experience relief when things are okay again
• wonder if you've done something wrong
• blame yourself
• feel persistently worried or anxious
• keep trying your best (and then some)

The chances are the relationship you are in (whatever form it takes) is unhealthy.

What next?

Remember, everything you experience is valid, and setting boundaries is healthy. Boundaries protect your worth.

If it is safe to do so, raise a minor, genuine issue with the other person and observe the response:

• Did the issue become your fault?
• Was the issue denied entirely?
• Were you or the issue ignored?
• Was there "delayed fallout"? —The issue seemed to be understood, but a little while later, something shifted.
• Were you accused of something unrelated?

If yes, is this a pattern of behaviour?

Do these responses happen:

A) All of the time

B) Most of the time

C) Some of the time

D) Not very often

E) Never

A-C:

The relationship is not healthy.

Seek advice, get support and (if you can) begin untangling yourself from the relationship. Be aware that you will likely need time to recover.

What you do next will not be easy — whether you stay or go.

D:

The relationship is okay.

Monitor things. Most people respond poorly sometimes. They could be stressed, overtired, or even hungry. Although, this is never an excuse for poor behaviour.

Ask the following questions:

• Is the person aware that their behaviour or response was potentially harmful?
• Do they apologise?
• Do they actively seek to improve?
• Are you able to talk about it with them?

If the answers are "No," hold your head up high and breathe.

Be aware.

Don't allow a pattern to form.

/ / INTErRUPT it.

If necessary, untangle yourself from the relationship and move on. If things are okay, set some boundaries and hold them. You can learn a lot about people by the way they respond to your limits.

E:

This is a healthy friendship, relationship, partnership, workplace, or family.

Stay aware of your other relationships, and be there for others who need you. Allow them the space to talk through concerns, even if their experience with the same person differs from yours.

And remember, no matter what:

Your worth holds more value than anyone’s status.

I am not an expert on this topic. This post is written based on personal experiences, much reading and many conversations.

Although I only talk about one specific situation, I have encountered many others personally and professionally. In each of them, I have found the common thread to be the pursuit of power and control to gain or maintain an elevated status (with little regard for me).

If you have doubts about a relationship, take some time to pause and observe. Then seek out someone to talk to.

And if they don't/won't/can't listen, find someone who can.

If you are worried about your safety or the well-being of another person, please seek professional support at the earliest chance.

The Help Guide has a wide range of resources and advice that may help.