How to Align with your Authentic Self to Overcome Fears

In my recently published book, ‘Overcoming Fear and Failure – A Practical guide for women who Overanalyze,’ I talk about aligning with our true core or the essence of our being. When who we are on the inside aligns with who we truly are on the outside, then fear and failure usually don’t stand a chance in any area of our life. And, even if we feel Fear of Failure, it is for fleeting moments because we are in-sync with our True North.

When we are aligned with our values and our authentic self, we usually say to ourselves “It just feels right.” You may not know why it feels right, but it does. You may even feel it as a truth in the bones and cells of your body.

This week, I had the good fortune of interviewing a bright, Career & Leadership Development Coach, Elaine Jacques. When I learned that Elaine changed her career after working for 15 years as a Speech-Language Pathologist, I knew I had to interview her for the series. Elaine provides one-on-one coaching that focuses on answering the questions: What's your really big goal? And, what's one thing you can do today? 

Question: What's the most fearful thing you have done in your life and what did you do to overcome it? What did you learn from it?

Elaine: Changing my career from medical speech pathology to leadership coaching in my early 40s. What if it was a mistake? Was I "throwing away" my very expensive master’s degree? I had lots of doubts and fears in pursuing coaching! I decided to break my goal down into small steps.

• So, I started with using a workout app to become more physically fit by working out 4 days a week. That gave me the increased confidence to then join a public speaking group for a couple of months. Which in turn helped me feel ready to start my coach training program!
• Next, I began sharing my journey with others and working with one client and then another and another. 

Each step was an opportunity to either doubt myself and turn back – or take another step forward. I learned that taking small steps helps keep us moving forward and building upon our successes and reach our big goals!

Question: Can you share how did your decision to change your career pan out for you? What is the single most important thing you learned in the process?

Elaine: I love coaching! I do not regret my career change decision, and I am so happy that I chose to face my fears and “go for it!” I learned that perseverance even in the face of my fears is critical. To keep pushing forward! 

Question. I have always felt that we fear the most when we are not connected with our authentic self. What's your take on it?

Elaine: I agree!  If you don't believe in yourself, it is much harder to feel internally empowered to take steps in a new direction. It is like trying to take a big step from an unstable surface.

Question: How do you connect with your core self, your core essence. Can you share any practical tips for the readers to do the same?

Elaine: I connect with my core self through positive self-talk, meditation, making time for things that refresh my spirit, walks in nature, honoring my needs, and demonstrating to myself that I am important also. If you consistently put everyone's needs before your own, what message are you sending yourself? When you are hungry, eat something good for you. When you are thirsty, drink water. When you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up - give yourself the same grace you generously offer to your friends. You are worth it!

Question: What does it mean to tap into the body wisdom/ body intelligence?

Elaine: When we listen to the messages that our body is trying to share with us (about hunger, thirst, stress, toxicity of another person or environment, etc.) we increase our opportunity to have a longer, stronger, and healthier life.  But just like if we consistently ignore someone, they will eventually become silent, so it is with our bodies. And when we ignore our bodies, that is when we begin to break down and have illnesses and injuries.

Question: Do you use your innate body intelligence and awareness in times of emotional stress or challenging situations? If so, how?

Elaine: It is easy to do all the right things when life is calm and going smoothly. It is during times of stress and when we are facing challenges that it is important to listen to our bodies and try to take extra good care of ourselves, so that we can remain resilient to the stress and challenges. Most of us have experienced snapping at someone when we are irritated and tired, and then we feel badly about it later. When I know I am tired, I try to listen carefully to my body telling me I need a break, eat, hydrate – and do those things. I also try to take a slow/deep breath prior to answering someone to give myself that little bit of extra time to respond, so I won’t regret it later! I will also pause to breathe with and listen to a 1 or 2 minute meditation to reset my mindset to help me face a challenge more calmly.

Question: How does your body communicate with you?

Elaine: Through sensations of pain, soreness, a queasy feeling when there is something wrong about a situation, warmth, and a sense of lightness when there are positive things occurring. 

Question: What it means for you to be emotionally stable and emotionally resilient?

Elaine: To me emotional stability includes being able to remain calm in stressful situations - this has been particularly important in my hospital work! And not having stronger reactions to situations or people than is healthy for me. Emotionally resilient to me means when I get upset or stressed (for example), I am able to “bounce back” to a more calm place of homeostasis more quickly. 

Question: Can you share your journey to becoming emotionally resilient?

Elaine: Growing up in a less than emotionally healthy environment, I have had to learn healthier ways to relate to myself and others. 

As an example: I struggled when I was younger with having a very negative self-talk pattern. If I did something wrong - I would berate myself. Working to replace my negative berating with things like “Ok. Perhaps that wasn’t the best, but at least I tried. And now what can I learn from it for next time?” And all those other nice, supportive things I was great at saying to my friends...but not to myself!

Not beating myself up mentally for every little thing has helped me have more time and energy to be more creative, courageous, positive, healthy! Learning to take care of myself, treat myself with the same honor and respect I give others, and positive self-talk - these have all been very important in helping me become stronger and more able to take on the challenges we all face in our daily lives. Speaking poorly to ourselves is like flogging ourselves with every step as we hike up a mountain. Yes, we may still get to the top eventually. But how much nicer would the journey be if we appreciated the view as we climbed and cheered ourselves on? "Would you be friends with someone if they spoke to you the way you speak to yourself?"  If your answer to this question isn't "yes" (like mine wasn't), then it's time for a change!

Question: What practical tips and tools can you share with the readers to become emotionally pliable.

Elaine: When you find yourself speaking harshly to yourself, stop and think what you would say to a friend if they had done the same thing. Then say that to yourself instead. When a stranger starts speaking in an abrupt or rude manner to you, pause to think of 3 reasons that have nothing to do with you that may have caused them to act that way (flat tire on the way to work, they just got bad news about a sick relative, they've lost their wallet/keys/cell phone, etc.). This will help you respond less defensively and more easily arrive at a positive outcome. 

Some practical suggestions include:

?? Read positive books and articles 

?? Watch TED talks

?? Surround yourself with positive people - online and offline

?? Stop watching all the news

?? Practice good self-care

?? Get adequate rest

?? Drink enough water

?? Eat healthy foods

??  Meditate

?? Spend time in nature

?? Listen to beautiful music 

?? Practice compassion towards yourself and other

You can connect with Elaine Jacques: https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/elainejacques/ and at https://workapp.world/business/YOU1-today-Coaching-Consultancy/WEk1VVkybjV2b3ZBL2dMZlBHZ0NDUT09

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I hope you enjoyed the conversation with Elaine and took actionable steps from the article.

?? If you would like to be featured in this series, nominate your colleagues or if you have any questions or suggestions, please drop in a line at [email protected]