Alif Satar Stands Up for his Female Colleague. Men, You Can all do This!

Singer-comedian host Alif Satar had the perfect comeback when a talent show judge body-shamed his co host, Sherry Alhadad on TV.

A guest had just finished her performance when judge, Mark Adam said, “this opportunity is very big, you see. Even the host is big,” referring to Sherry.

There were gasps and laughs from the audience. The three on stage looked visibly shocked. The usually chatty comedian, Sherry, looked too stunned to say anything. Alif Satar stepped up, “Mark, you’re right. She has big TALENT, bro,”

You can watch the video here, courtesy of @hxfiy on Twitter.

 With one deft line, Alif saved Sherry, Mark (who then said, "yes, that's what I meant") and the show. I call this superb showmanship. Apparently this isn't the first time Alif has stood up for women.

I have seen this dude stand up for women sooooo many times. When people disregard or put women down, this dude is always there to put things right. Such a rare gem. Thank you Brudder Man. More dudes should learn from you.

When people disregard or put women down

Echoing Sharifah Amani's words, how many men do stand up for women when they see men make sexist remarks, humiliate their female colleagues or sexually harass someone?

We've all been at that meeting when a man might comment to a female colleague who is disagreeing with his point of view with, "is it that time of the month?", "no wonder you can't find a man," or "I feel sorry for your husband".

The woman in question is often so stunned, she's speechless. Her inner dialogue is likely to be did he just say that? She looks around for support. This moment is absolutely critical. Look at Sherry. After her initial shock, she looks at Alif for support. He recognised that and stepped up.

How many of us support someone who has been insulted or humiliated?

Many of us don't and this is why:

1. The person who spoke is powerful. He could be the boss, or he could be the popular guy. If I say something, he will turn on me next. Better to keep my head down. If he laughs, I should laugh along because otherwise I will no longer be part of the club/gang/bro-hood. If I don't laugh, the rest of the guys will think I have no sense of humour and I'm not cool.
2. Fear of being the next target. This is especially so where the speaker is a bully and commands loyalty among people in the workplace.
3. Fear of being branded and isolated. People who want to be liked and to belong are less likely to intervene.
4. We are triggered. The words bring up our own insecurities - with men it's often about manhood. If I say something, the guys will say, "hah! You want her izzit?" or "you're just like a woman, you must be gay!"
5. We want to but feel unsafe. Common in toxic workplaces where bosses are bullies, "lead" in an authoritarian way and rule by fear. People are afraid to speak up in meetings.
6. We want to, but don't know how. Read on...

What Happens if We Stay Silent?

Scenario: You are in a meeting. Lina disagrees with a point Sam has made. Instead of focusing on the issue, Sam makes it personal and says, "I feel sorry for your husband having to put up with a wife who argues all the time. I don't know what he sees in you." Lina's jaw drops and she looks around the room. You feel what Sam said is uncalled for. The worst thing is for everyone to ignore what Sam said, laugh uncomfortably and move on.

At this point Lina is probably seething. Not only has her point been dismissed by her colleague but he has told her that as a woman, she needs to be validated by men, to have value. If no one intervenes, it sends several messages to the others in the room:

1. To women: This will happen to you too if you say something against me.
2. To men: We can treat women in this way.
3. To everyone: We can treat our colleagues this way. Instead of debating a point on its merits, it's perfectly acceptable to insult our colleagues in order to get our way.

You may think, oh these are just harmless remarks, what's the big deal? But, this is how work environments become toxic. People make hurtful remarks and are not stopped. Over time, this becomes the norm.

When silence is the default, bad things can happen in a workplace and people are too scared to speak up. Jimmy Saville's pedophilia was known for decades within the BBC. When Dame Janet Smith investigated the BBC's work culture, she found a culture of fear and bullying. Yelling at people in meetings was the norm. Employees would stay silent, thankful that today wasn't their turn.

If you read the 6 points above, you may realise your fear of the person who spoke is stronger than your empathy for the person who was humiliated, insulted or hurt. Don't judge yourself harshly if you realise this. It could be that you are working in a bullying environment and you are afraid. For the sake of your own mental health, you might want to re-evaluate this.

If you aren't afraid of Sam, here's what you can do.

How to Intervene

1. Speak up immediately. You can say, "Sam that was an inappropriate and hurtful remark. We don't speak like that around here. We should show respect to our colleagues and speak to each other with dignity." You have pointed out what was wrong and reminded everyone in the room what the correct behaviour should be. It is likely that Sam will defend himself. You don't have to engage with him or draw further attention to Lina who may be feeling quite vulnerable. Your message was for everyone else in the room. If Sam wants to draw it out, tell him that you can both talk after the meeting.
2. Support Lina and give her space. Don't draw attention to her, but make sure she knows she is being supported. If you are next to her, you can whisper to her - I'm with you on this - and you can ask if she wants to talk about it after the meeting. If you are seated further away, give her a reassuring look. You can even invite her outside the room on the pretext of getting a coffee refill and....
3. Tell Lina that Sam's conduct was wrong. This may seem obvious, but many women work in environments where sexist remarks are so common, they have accepted it as the "working world". They may feel the initial hurt, but then tell themselves they are being stupid and men are like that. These women bottle up their pain and carry on. They even tell other women to accept such harassment. By telling Lina that Sam's words are wrong, you are validating her feelings. This is incredibly powerful. You're also showing her that not all men are like that.
4. Counsel Sam after the meeting. Let him know why his remark was wrong. If he refuses to listen, speak to his boss. You are not snitching on him. Early intervention helps a person's behaviour from getting worse. A remark like this won't get him fired, but if he continues to make similar or more toxic remarks regularly, he might lose his job. You are doing him a favour.

If You Feel Unsafe

DO NOT laugh along or do anything to show that you approve of the remark. At the very least show your disapproval by looking shocked and shaking your head. If everyone did this, it sends the message to Sam and the entire room that the remark was unacceptable. By laughing along, the message is - such comments get laughs and are encouraged. Which meeting tone do you want?

DO support Lina by letting her know afterwards.

If You Laughed

Several followers pointed out that the audience laughed. You may have laughed when a colleague cracked a cruel joke. At that moment, you may be unaware of the pain you could be causing. @isnxmy on Twitter expresses it so well:

I wonder how many times sherry sat in an empty room and cry because of these comments. Thinking she's not good enough and how she should shed some weight so people would stop talking about her body. You are a BIG TALENT in the industry Sherry. I hope you know that.

Sure, you didn't say the words, but your laughter is like an echo, delivering blow after blow. You are just as complicit. Your laughter encourages the next cruel remark. An intervention prevents it. Do you want to hurt people or support them?

Men, Be Like Alif

You don't have to be a TV host to make significant impact in someone's life. You just have to be that one guy in a meeting and you can make a whole difference to your colleagues. Next time someone makes THAT remark, channel Alif Satar.

If you're on Twitter or LinkedIn, tag me with your story of standing up for your female colleagues. I'll tag Sharifah Amani and Alif Satar too!

Postscript: Mark's Apology

Within 24 hours, Mark Adam apologised personally to Sherry and issued a public apology. He came across as heartfelt and ticked all the right boxes. I analyse his, and another apology which was released on the same day - Zakir Naik's in Apology 101: How Do Mark Adam, Zakir Naik and Joe Biden Score?

?Animah Kosai writes and speaks about harassment, sexual harassment and whistleblowing. She is part of LeadWomen's conference on workplace harassment, It's Not Ok?! on 14-15 October 2019. Animah is also writing a book on workplace sexual harassment with Kernan Manion and Betty Yeoh. Animah and Kernan are launching an online course on sexual harassment for HR and Leaders in January 2020.