Alexander: The Not So Great Parts

For you, it was the entirety of NaNoWriMo. For me, it was just another Monday.

Frustrated voice: "You destroyed my home, my village, killed my family, I have come to avenge the..."

Voice of clerk behind a counter: "87? 87! Now serving 87! What number are you love? 293! Hmm, yeah, you're gonna have to wait a while, he's been doing a lot of pillaging lately. The vengeful children that grew up with a grudge, they sprout like weeds at this time of year."

Angry avenger: "Aha!"

Clerk: "No, no, you can't jump the queue. You have your ticket?"

Angry avenger: "Uh..."

Clerk: "Ticket? Someone gave you a ticket when he burned your village to the ground?"

Angry avenger: "Lost it." in a small voice.

Clerk: "Right, well, take this form, and.... yeah, and this one... and if you can, fill out the..."

Third voice: "'scuse me?"

Clerk: "You'll have to wait."

Third voice: "No, it's just, I can't quite remember the exact dates when we were pillaged you see, I was just a baby, and it's a bit fuzzy."

Clerk: "Right, if you can just strike through this, and... this... and... this, and then in the extra notes on the back, just put in the approximate dates."

Third voice: "Here?"

Clerk: "yeah, hang on, you were adopted? You're gonna need this form too. Now... you... this one... and... this form. Pens are over there. And don't nick any. We counts 'em."

Peevish Voice: "I have an appointment."

Clerk looks at appointment notice: "This one's for Thursday. Today's Wednesday. He doesn't pillage on Wednesday. Wednesday is his day off."

Peevish Voice: "Can't he squeeze me in?"

Clerk: "No, we don't do walk-ins. Next." gestures with hand.

Aggrieved voice: "He burned my village to the ground!"

Clerk: "Hmm... can't find you anywhere in his notes. Where'd you say this happened?"

Aggrieved voice: "Alexandria."

Clerk: "That doesn't exactly narrow it down when he goes around naming cities he's conquered after himself."

Aggrieved voice: 'It's by the sea. Near the mountains..."

Clerk: "Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Hmm... No, wasn't him."

Aggrieved voice: "But my city is now called Alexandria! It was him!"

Clerk: "Hmmm... oh, I see the problem, yes, uh hmm, he was sick that week. The on-call staff handled it. Outsourced it, really."

Aggrieved voice: "Outsourced it?"

Clerk: "Yeah, he didn't have time to stop by, completely behind schedule, with the holidays, family in from out of town, running them back to the port to make sure they made their ship in time, someone covered his shift for him."

Angry avenger: "Here's me paperwork. Can I see him now?"

Clerk: "Hmm... yeah... yeah... good.. Huh. Sign here? Good." Thumps the rubber stamp down on two of the pages, squiggles his initials. "Through there, he'll see you next."

The avenger steps through the doorway, three cross bow bolts hit him squarely in the chest dropping him to the floor. Another clerk bends down, looks at the body, looks back at the paperwork, "Hmm... He forgot to put in dates of pillaging. That's gonna cause more paperwork. Bugger. Right. Tea break?"

Alexander: "What's this?"

Clerk: "Special order, y'honour. Sorry, it slipped through."

Alexander: "Very well. Let's get it over with."

Clerk: "Bring him in."

Avenger: "You destroyed my home, my vill..."

Clerk: "No, no, you'll have to stand here, on this bit, that's the rules. 43B?"

Second clerk nods.

Clerk: "43B."

Avenger: "my village."

Second clerk: "Subsection 3v."

Clerk: "Subsection 3v."

Avenger clears his throat: "You destro..."

Clerk: "You'll have to speak up. It's been 30 years, he's getting a little hard of hearing."

Avenger, raising his voice: "YOU DESTROYED MY HOME, MY VILLAGE, KILLED MY..."

Somewhere a dog begins howling.

Alexander: "I need to walk him."

Alexander stands slowly up from his throne.

Clerk: "All kneel for the emperor!"

Avenger standing dumbfounded.

Clerk: "That means you too."

Avenger gets down on one knee.

Alexander shakes out his leg. "Bugger. Leg went to sleep, can you help me?" He signals to the avenger.

Clerk nods encouragingly.

Avenger helps Alexander down the three steps from the throne.

They hobble out the room, the two dogs following close behind.

Avenger: "Can I just say it? Get it over with?"

Alexander: "Where did this happen again?"

Avenger: "Alexandria. The... other one... over... near... the earlier Alexandria."

Alexander lost in thought. "Oh, right, right, yeah, wow. That takes me back. Bit of a youthful indiscretion with that one. There was this girl, she had a funny eye, worked at the fish shop."

Avenger: "My aunt, Susie?"

Alexander: "Yeah, that was her, I heard she got married."

Avenger: "Yeah, Thomas the Wheat..."

Alexander: "Right. Yeah, she always gave my boys a few extra chips in the packet, I think she was a bit sweet on me."

Avenger: "You pillaged her fish pies!"

Alexander: "I don't remember that. I mean, why would I do that? I traveled with a bunch of prostitutes. You don't go around pillaging fish pies wantonly if you don't want to be scratching your balls three days later and wondering where that rash came from."

Avenger: "Can I just kill you?"

Alexander makes a clicking sound with his tongue. The two dogs leap at the avenger, bring him down, tear out his throat, rip his hand off as he gurgles through the blood.

Alexander: "Drop it. Drop it! What have you got in your mouth? I said drop it! Bad dog."

Alexander wanders back to his throne room, "Might want to get some paper towels, raw meat always gives him diarrhea" points at the older dog.