Agreements vs. Expectations

Expectations are cowardly and self-defeating. They are cowardly because by expecting things of others, I place all responsibility outside myself. I expect my co-worker to do his job right, I expect my family member to behave a certain way, and the list goes on. When I am unhappy it’s because of them. Expectations lead to disappointments. It’s a miserable life expecting so much of others and suffering so much disappointment and betrayal.

Steve Chandler

The trash sat there overflowing in all its glory.

There was so much trash that the lid wouldn’t even close.

I had enough and walked right by.

My significant other at the time didn’t even know that the trash existed.

We had never had a conversation about the trash. There was an expectation that I would empty the trash and I was sick of doing it all the time.

I wanted some help and was upset because the trash sat there.

And sat there.

And sat there.

I fulfilled that trash expectation regularly and had become frustrated.

Where was the help?

Where was the support?

Can’t you see that I’m upset about the trash?

Expectations can be a major disappointment in people’s lives. We expect certain things from others. We have expectations that our past experiences have molded.

How is someone, without our experiences, able to know what we expect?

The answer is they can’t.

So now what? Do we just give up or give in and keep getting our expectations and by extension our feelings crushed?

No, we don’t.

What’s another way that we might look at things where neither party is getting their feelings hurt?

Agreements.

Agreements are the key to making sure that both parties are on the same page.

How can we use agreements in our lives?

First, an awareness needs to be built by both people.

We can do this by bringing the situation up to the other party. This isn’t an opportunity to attack the other person. They have expectations just like you do.

”This has become a sore subject with me, can we take some time to talk about the trash?”

Awareness has been raised and both people address it.

“What are your expectations around the trash?”

Both people can share their expectations and get the challenge out in the open.

Once people have shared, it’s time to find common ground through an agreement.

“Can we come to an agreement on what happens moving forward?”

Then the two parties figure out what they want to do.

Agreement - Outcome - Not met agreement - Outcome

“I know I have taken out the trash most of the time, I would like to come to an agreement that if the trash is full and either sees it, then it will be taken out. I would like us to share in the task. If it isn’t taken out, what agreement can we come to find a suitable outcome for both of us?”

How you come up with your agreement is your choice. How you decide on the fulfillment or non-fulfillment of that agreement is up to both parties.

Where else can we use agreements in our lives?

Work, family, friends, the possibilities are endless.

Does that mean you should have agreements with everyone in your life? Not necessarily.

I do think an argument could be made that it could benefit all involved to have agreements.

If you have an expectation that an employee is to be in a certain place at a certain time and that doesn’t happen an agreement can be made.

Do you have friends that upset you because they are overstepping your boundaries? Can you bring it up and see if there is an agreement than can be made?

Expectations are some of the worst things we can have in our lives because they rely on our past experiences that no one else has had.

Agreements can turn expectations on their head and help create a new reality.