Agreements are better than orders when it comes to parenting.
Joanne Law
Dispute Resolution Professional and industry leader (Non-Determinative, Non-Adversarial) working to champion peace and respectful behaviour.
Anyone who is a parent, aunt or uncle knows what it is like when you get into a battle of wills with a child.
Trying to force them to do something they don't want to do is a losing battle. It is so much better if we are able to get their ageement for the things that are important and give them the right to choose for themselves in others when it is safe for them to do that.
The same applies to co-parenting after separation. Agreement with the other parent, grandparent or other people involved in the child's life is much better than trying to get a court to order how to regulate this most important of all human relationships.
Agreements are better than orders when it comes to parenting.
What about when we can't agree?
That is where ADR comes in. ADR stands for appropriate dispute resolution and is the range of non-adversarial ways to reach a resolution to a dispute. ADR is the best way to resolve parenting disputes because adversarial approaches get very poor results.
Think about it.
Going to a court to get an order to tell you when you can see your child, when you can talk to your child and things like that sounds like crazy talk. But that is what by far too many parents think they need to do.
The fact that you don't agree now doesn't mean that you won't agree ever. The process of mediation is specifically designed to help people who don't agree to work through the issues to get an agreement.
NO ONE AGREES with the other person at the start of a mediation session. You wouldn't need mediation if they did.
As a mediator (Family Dispute Resolution Pracititoner which is a Family Law Mediator in my case) our job is to help you to reach agreement voluntarily and without coercion. In other words, there shouldn't be an agreement reached in mediation that you don't agree with.
The Magic of Parenting Mediation
Our role as a mediator is to:
- provide a safe and respectful environment for you to identify what you disagree about,
- help you to explore the issues and work out any missunderstandings that may have crept in due to how poorly you've been communicating lately
- support you to think more flexibly about things and explore options to get what you really want (not the arbitrary Legal Rights that you might have been insisting on)
- remind you both that you are arguing about your kids and how you are going to work together to raise them to be as strong, healthy and happy as they can be.
- assist you to work through the options and proposals till you get a workable plan that you can implement, check and refine over time. Unlike a court order that tries to lock in place a rigid schedule that works for no one, a Parenting Agreement worked out in Mediation is flexible enough to be updated as your children's needs change.
We'll also remind you that children of separated parents are twice as likely to have major emotional, psychological, educational and behavioural problems than kids who's parents don't separate. This isn't to frighten you because it is children who's parents are in conflict who are at the most risk.
If you sort it out with your other parent it will be the BEST gift you can give your child.
This post is part of a series of information posts for Australian Mediation Awareness Week.
Look for the #AuMAW hashtag for more posts from me and other mediators throughout the next week from the 10th - 16th October.
Visit Mediation Awareness Week website for more information www.mediationawarenessweek.org.au
About Joanne Law
Joanne Law is a NMAS Accredited Mediator and Accredited Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner. She provides dispute resolution services through the not-for-profit she co-founded Interact Support www.interact.support
Interact's mission is to help people going through separation and divorce to resolve their issues safely and without excessive time and cost. Our goal is to help prevent issues escalating into disputes and disputes escalating into conflict however many of our clients are already experiencing conflict and have a history of family violence. We want to help them to develop their interpersonal skills so that they can be more resilient, protect themselves and their children and avoid making things worse.
Certified Scrum Master. Chief Clerk for City of Cleveland - Division of Assessments and Licenses. Bestselling Author and Professional Speaker.
5 年I agree with this. Children become confrontational adults when they are ordered to do tasks as oppose to asking them to do them.
Executive Director at Just Us: A Centre for Restorative Practices
5 年So restorative!
Not sure about this
New Ways Program Manager, Author, Mediator, New Ways Coach
5 年#AuMAW. Thank you for your article Joanne Law. I don't even know where to start with my point of view on this topic - 'Agreements are better than orders when it comes to parenting." Please excuse me if I sound passionate in my response - it's because I am! My response is solely on parents that are not involved in Family Violence ( I understand that sometimes court is the only way.....) BUT I truly believe that parents need to be educated about what their roles are, after separation. Yes, we all know that most of the time the parents that have separated, actually despise each other, (for want of explicit words) and their 'despised' emotion is so emotionally charged for so many reasons. (Each to their own) If we take the emotions out of it (I know that is impossible to do) but let's say we can, we get down to the basic level of "They are parents" and need to raise and build resilient, compassionate, understanding, loving and kind children. They need to keep them safe and look after them. These human beings (up to 18 years old) - need guidance, role models, security and love. The bare bones are, that parents need to understand that they have the choice, they can waste money on legal fees, waste time, waste their emotional stamina in fighting for right and wrong and blame the other parent or they can both be a guiding light, be a role model and give unconditional love and be the security that their children need. If these parents get caught up in the adversarial 'court' process, they muddy the waters. It turns into 'he said, she said' and that is not helping their children at all.? After separation or divorce, the intimate relationship that once was, is long gone, and they transition into a co-parenting 'business' relationship. Their business is 'their kids.' We all know that a business doesn't just flourish on it's own - it needs to be looked after every day, nurtured, and you need to be passionate about your business. You want your business to be the best it can be, but if you don't do this, it won't be.? Parents - your business is your kids. Look after them and they will flourish.? My wish for all parents: Work on agreeing with each other, don't get caught up in the court system - you can't just walk away from your orders. They are legally binding! Work on what is best for your business. (YOUR KIDS!) and make agreements in ADR or FDR. I could go on, but I won't. I think you get the idea.? My motto - Let's sort it out! Your kids need you. Don't fight.? #divorcesupport?#AuMAW2019?#AuMAW?#parentingadvice?#mediation?#familylaw?