Aging Parents Worry about Being a 'Burden'

Aging parents say they’re worried about being a burden to their children. Parents are meant to help and support their children, not become an intolerable burden upon them.

Does your parent feel the same way?

Are they withholding information from you for fear of becoming a burden?

They’re worried about complicating your already busy life

Remember the quiet car ride to your mom’s last doctor’s appointment?

?Or, how quickly your dad changed the subject once you asked him how his doctor’s appointment went?

Most aging parents would prefer not to bother their kids with their health problems.

Maybe your Dad feels guilty every time you leave work to take her to a doctor appointment or your dad notices that you’re overloaded with to-dos when you stop by his house for your weekly dinner.

The end result? They give priority to your family and job instead of asking for your help.

Your parents are still your parents after all. They worry about you and your own health and happiness — and they don’t want to burden you with their problems when you have a complicated life of your own.

Nothing can match parents’ love and affection for their children. It is the purest and most unconditional form of love. They see their little ones grow over time into young adults and are proud and happy to witness the beautiful moments they have with their children.

But as kids grow older, parents get older too, and their attempts to hold on to their children grow stronger as they keep moving farther away, getting busy with their jobs, lives, and their own families.

It is important to remember parents need your assistance. They might not always express it explicitly, but they wish that their children would intervene and offer help or just be there for them.

Your parent might be afraid that asking for too much help.

No one is more aware of the physical and mental changes their body is undergoing than your own parent, and she might just worry that she is becoming too dependent on others.

Disclaimer:?The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensure discussion or debate.

Thank you?…This can be frustrating and your parent might just feel guilty they can’t do it all alone. It’s hard to maintain a sense of dignity and independence when she can’t just take care of things herself. So instead of asking for help, she tries to figure it out herself.

What You Should Look For

There’s definitely a necessary balance between respecting your parent’s right to privacy, and encouraging them to share information that’s important for you to know so an emergency can be avoided, especially when it comes to important information about their health, safety or general well-being.?

While your parent might not be forthcoming with information, there are a few things you can look for. Some aging parents cover up bruises, don’t tell anyone about falls or accidents, and downplay money troubles in hopes that they can continue living on their own without asking for help or worrying their kids.

But if your parent keeps secrets because they don’t want to be a burden, they can end up putting themselves in danger and increasing the likelihood that they will have to rely on others to care for them.

Another common conversation aging parents typically avoid is their driving. Maybe your dad didn’t tell you about finding his keys in the freezer or getting lost on his drive home from church to keep you from worrying he’s losing his memory. Or, maybe he’s more worried that if he tells you, his driving days will come to an end.

It can be incredibly frustrating to want to help your aging parent as they helped you when you were younger only to be told that they’re fine on their own.

Do you want to add a word or two?....

Empower

A listening ear and a little time can go a long way in allowing your parent to accept help. Put yourself in their shoes, and let them know you care about how they feel and what they want. Let them talk and really listen.

Share with them that to be human is to be a burden at times no matter your age. They once joyfully bore the burden of child care. Now, caring for them is something you want to do, too. You see it as a privilege — a way of saying thank you for all your parent has done for you.

Your Comments……

Talk with your parent about what, in their minds, would justify hiring home care or moving to an assisted living community, for example. Try to elicit from them how they view these forms of assistance and what they mean to them.

These discussions likely won’t be resolved in one sitting. Be patient and understanding. Aging is frightening.

It’s no wonder that your parent is resistant. But if you can figure out what the underlying issues are, you can start to find good ways forward. And by making these important decisions together and planning ahead, you can help make sure your parent can age on their own terms.

Three Things Your Parents Want from You

When you boil things down, three themes are common to what aging parents want from their children:

Show respect. Parents are adults with opinions, preferences and lives of their own. What you think is a problem might not be one at all. Or it could be a symptom of something else. So instead of jumping in and acting on a perceived need, ask them about it.

Talk about what you’re seeing and why it’s concerning you. Get their input on solutions, and respect their wishes. Unless there’s a health or safety issue, you might not need to intervene as much as you think.

See who they are now. Your mom or dad isn’t the same parent they were when you were a kid or teenager living at home. But sometimes we fall into old family patterns and respond to the person they used to be. Take a step back and try to appreciate who they’ve become. It will make your relationship a healthier and richer one.

Be happy. If you have kids of your own, think about what you really want for them in life — to be happy. Well, your parents are parents, too. And while they still want to be part of your lives, most don’t want you to worry too much about them or sacrifice your happiness for them.

When you’re happy, they really are happy, too — because they love you. And your happiness also means they can know they did a good job raising you.

So if trying to take care of your aging parent is causing some friction between you, it may be worth talking about. Keep these common wishes in mind. Ask questions. And listen well.

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